h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

The ex-husband's view:
Tell her you'll sort her stuff out and that you will let her know when she's allowed to come and collect it. When she rings because she's not heard from you for weeks, break the news triumphantly that you've thrown it all in the skip because you didn't hear from her. [This is the ideal way for the ex-husband to allow his feelings of guilt, regret and loneliness find a permanent place in his soul to lodge themselves and burn away at him for the rest of his life.]

My advice:
Get everything out immediately if not sooner!!! because when he realises his ex-wife has a valid point about moving forward and staying friends for the mutual good and spiritual health of both parties, and that his apologies and suggestions to rectify years of unhappiness will not win back control of the situation, his last resort will inevitably be to childishly lash out in the most immature way you can possibly imagine.
Do not allow guilt transference; it wasn't working, he tried to make you fit into the shoes of his late mother, you tried for a good few years before you did something positive for both parties and if he solely blames you for his current situation then he has got a serious psychological problem (you were always dimly aware you were providing a free personal psychology service anyway weren't you).

[Wow hey, you're right about helping the h2g2 community; this Conversation really is a big help - I feel like my therapy has rapidly shot forward already.]

My husband and I were only married 14 months and only had minor belongings, mainly wedding presents, to divide up. As I had moved out, I went to see him and we went through things together. Basically, if we were given it by his side of the family, he kept it, and vice versa. There were a few things that I didn;t think about at time, like the car (!) which he now has and will not get anything for, but to be honest, i just wanted out, and it was the easiest way.

We had most problem with the photographs, especially those of University, which were given to me originally by a friend of ours. In the end we spread them out and took turns to choose one.

I think we were so amicable about it because he knew that he was in the wrong, and he was dosed up on happy pills.

My husband and I were only married 14 months and only had minor belongings, mainly wedding presents, to divide up. As I had moved out, I went to see him and we went through things together. Basically, if we were given it by his side of the family, he kept it, and vice versa. There were a few things that I didn;t think about at time, like the car (!) which he now has and will not get anything for, but to be honest, i just wanted out, and it was the easiest way.

We had most problem with the photographs, especially those of University, which were given to me originally by a friend of ours. In the end we spread them out and took turns to choose one.

I think we were so amicable about it because he knew that he was in the wrong, and he was dosed up on happy pills.

Sorry about the double posting.

I would also add that when you have lived without things for 9 months, in a damp bedsit, then you find that there is little that you actually need. All I really wanted was the wooden spoons from the kitchen, and he's thrown all my kitchen stuff out "Because it was one of those days when he didn't want to wash up"

I could have written the post from the ex-wife's POV... I did manage to move all of my treasures (photos, collectables, artwork) out and into the storage place before he even really knew what was happening. Otherwise, I am sure there would have been a lot of broken articles. Although the material things are not as important as emotional considerations, much of that stuff came from my mother and grandmothers, and it had great sentimental value to ME, whereas it would have given my ex a big charge to destroy those things.

You are right, once he did realize that I was NOT coming back, his mood and manner changed.



vch

Hi ValerieCH
I only just got back online but in the intervening months I have discovered that he also trashed every photograph I've ever taken, including my trips all over the world and even black and white photographs that my father took of me (and developed himself) when I was a baby! His justification: "I'm drawing a line under this".
I was suspicious, however, that these words did not seem to originate from him, and that someone else had given him the script. Sure enough, I was told he started seeing an older woman pretty soon after we split. For 'pretty soon after' I think we can safely read 'was waiting on the sidelines and had him lined up in her sights'. For the years I felt controlled and required to fit into his agenda & conform to his image of the perfect little wife, I think we can say his boot's on the other woman's foot now!

i am in the process of dividing up my life and it isn't as easy as I had hoped. One thing I did do when I first moved out was give a trusted person (in my case my brother) all the photographs, particulally those of the wedding day. I honestly hope that neither my ex or I would be stupid enough to try to destroy these but knowing that they are safely out of harms way is something, especially when I hear stories like this

Yes, that's a good idea. On the evening that I discovered my ex-husband had left me, I gave my wedding rings and the framed photo of our wedding on the wall to the friend who was with me at the time and asked her to keep them and the photograph albums safe so I didn't do anything silly with them.

She came to stay with me to help me get through...and I accidentally tripped and fell onto the place where she'd hidden the framed photo. It was completely smashed. Subconscious??

Incidentally, I had a great jeweller who took back the rings for the original value - on condition I had other jewellery from him instead. So I ended up with a beautiful pendant and a watch with which to start my new life. It's worth checking out if other jewellers do that too.

There are always two sides to a story & I think you're being abit unfair & sound a little bitter. Though I don't obviously know the details of your particular unhappiness. My husband was married unhappily before but I appreciate that he says it was her fault & she probably feels as you do. It wasn't working so move on. We've all been there whether married or living together.

Interesting that the divorced men don't feel the need to comment!