h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

...unless it's one person who has seen the movie telling someone who hasn't what's going to happen next!

When people talk duing the movie, I usually flick one of them on the ear, and, when they turn arond, say, "oh, does that bother you?"

What if they're behind you? (Or worse yet, related to you?)

Then you put on a really big hat,or if that is not available,put the popcorn box on your head.

I had to go and see 'The Talented Mr Ripley' three times for this very rerason.

The first time I was sat next to a couple of old people, who were obviously deaf, giving a running commentary on the film: 'You had a dress like ha dinch ya dear?' 'oh, that's not quite the fifties is it?' 'What are they eating'... ad infinitum.

The second time, the cinema was pack and I was stuck behind a snogging couple of acne ridden teenagers. There's nothing quite as distracting as two tongues doing the tango in silhouette. I swear I had their slobber on my shoes.

The last trip was the last showing of 'Ripley' in a small cinema - only then was I left in peace...

I hate going to the cinema with my 6 year old cousin "What did he say?" "Whats so funny?" etc etc.All of course at a VERY large volume

To easily dispatch the slobbering couple in front of you, stand up, bend down, and extend your neck as far as you can towards the failed attempts at bodily fusion so as to have your face as close as you can to the nocturnal activity. (To be prepared for the spray of saliva, mask your face in Seran Wrap beforehand.) What's so fun in doing this, you ask? Two things: Waiting until they finally glance up and see this shiny, reflective face lording over them, and watching their faces and listening to their inquiries on why you are voyeuristically watching them. Don't say anything...just wait until they unlock from each other and you are free to enjoy your movie once again. (Be prepared to do this again, and be prepared for the male to drag you out into the nearest patch of parking lot to deal with you.)

Another thing: If man wanted to make conversation easier with cell phones, it didn't work. Interference, annoyed people, and the self-berating fact that you can't actually get off your buns and visit someone made the cell phone a moot point.

Well, rated are the guy in front at crouching tiger, hidden dragon who moaned about how he couldnt keep up with the subtitles all the way through the film. And the people who forget to turn their mobile off, and then when it rings, instead of dying of shame, actually have a full conversation in the middle of the film with about a million "sssh"'s and a few, 'why dont you just shut the f**k up?'s

Couldn't keep up with the subtitles? The plot was probably too complex for someone that stupid, anyway.
Phones, if someone talks during a movie, snatch the phone away and toss it.

What about people behind you kicking the seat. Every movie, no matter what it is, there's always people kicking my chair