h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

For those of us who work on a day to day basis with the general public, being drunk and the inevitable walk home is frought with difficulties.
You will almost always meet someone you know and who will take this oppurtunity to discuss the finer points of their medical/dental/plumbing worries.
They will rarely be as drunk as you are - at this point they may know more about the subject than you do, in replying to their queries the initial posting offers sound advice. Just mumble mmh, yes, I'll look into that etc and try and not fall over.
In particular however, try and not think about running water or anything else that will play havoc with an overstretched bladder. Do not decide that nearest quiet little garden or hedge will suffice as a temporary "rest stop". (or any public place as the police will have a very interesting conversation with you).
If you are unfortunate enough to succumb, make sure you are neither seen nor heard.( this can be quite difficult).
When the unfortunate gardener ( who will inevitably have both seen and heard you) next visits your surgery or shop and recognises you
(you may not recognise him or her - even worse!) this can do irreparable harm to the Plumber/Dentist/Doctor - patient/client relationship.
On a final note, one of lifes great mysteries.
Wifes seem to be able to tell at the mearest sniff of your breath exactly how much and what type of alcohol has been consumed - this is an ancient art handed down through generations of women.
The excuse of "jusht one wee whisky" is often ignored and the wrath of lying is added to the wrath of "what kind of a state is this to get yourself into". Thus adding insult to injury to 6 vodkas, 3 whiskies and an entirely unneccesary pint of water (it will not make you OK the next day).

and mothers.

And why is it that some partners when late and drunk, and they make that final, fatal 'I'm on my way home' telephone call, think that their dearly, beloved can't tell when they have had a drink? Much less insulting to the intelligence would be to come home, all parties silently acknowledging that tomorrow there will be hell to pay!