h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Ottering is a humane and efficent method of polishing staircases, particularly when one considers that the people being used for this hygenic task are otherwise of no proper use to society.

More attention should be given here to considerations of the appropriate apparel for ottering. Since protective garments might damage the woodwork, they must be banned in the strongest terms. Soft fabrics with a good nap are most appropriate.

Also, some consideration should be given to the appropriate cleansers and waxes to be applied to the participants before the 'competition' begins.

Scoring? It should be relatively easy to test before and after shine on the stairs and banisters. But, let us not loose sight of the true functionality of this activity.

Calling it a sport, is simply a way of enticing these people to perform the service gratis.

Barton

An interesting thought. Have you considered that it might have the effect of making this particular breed of journalists - (pauses to choose word carefully...)- useful?

108858 (Until I dream up a suitable alias)

I'm afraid you're right. They might become useful in this respect. We might even begin breeding them -- for breadth perhaps, so that fewer runs might be required to clean a particular size staircase.

One thing I forgot to address is the racial slur against otters. Eventually, I expect that the world will correct this problem and begin referring to the 'sport' as reportering or simply journalism.

Barton

and gradually the press will be taken over by aquatic mammals.

Weasels already own it. True beavers wouldn't touch it. Seals would rather toss a ball than ball the toss. But you might have something going with the buckdilled plattymush and assorted antipodeans.

I see no reason why intelligent species should be burdened with a mindless activity such as distorting the news.

After all, 'ottering' hardly gets in the way of a journalist's daily activities. Once they have walked up the stair with drink in hand they still need to come down again.

What few words they type, much as a monkey can easily author the works of Shakespeare if one is patient. A journalist may bang at the keyboard while waiting for his glass to be refilled.

In fact, the main difference between a monkey's typing and a reporter's typing is that the monkey has trouble with semi-colons while the reporter simply locks down the shift key.

Barton

P.S. I actually know a couple of reporters, they don't actually type anything any more. Since the advent of darts with plastic suction cups, they are allowed to just throw at a picture of a keyboard. I'm told that several of the more experienced journalists are actually able to hit the target three shots out of five. The editors have made them stand back further to prevent accidentally forming a sentence that makes sense which would then need to be corrected.