Kitchen Wars v4 - Armageddon Series 2
Created | Updated Apr 29, 2009
Our intrepid correspondent, Prof. A. Chaos, once again ventures into the War Zone to bring you the latest news from the battle which threatens the peace of the entire household!
Kitchen Wars v4 – Armageddon: Series 2
Amid the ongoing turmoil, here is today's action news from the frontline...
Now it's somewhere else – Who keeps moving the line?
This is Friday, and another day of action. Many parts of the ceiling in the kitchen were torn asunder as one wall was finally demolished – aided by the prior days bombardment. The sink unit could not hold position and withdrew from the house, this left no hot water over the weekend to treat any injuries sustained... Or wash anything! There was a weekend truce, but movement around the battlefield was limited due to unmarked mines (loads of brick/plaster rubble).
Monday came. It just turned up and didn't even knock! Food supplies are holding out, but range is short due to lack of amenities (cooker and kitchen) I was going to contact the MOD (Ministry of Defence) asking for field rations, but they are more needed abroad. The plastering continued and I had to evacuate the house again, for the dust made it impossible to monitor the action, I eventually returned in the evening.
The evacuation continued on the Tuesday as plasterers attacked all the walls of the house in a blitzkrieg! Such was the onslaught that the last of the food supplies were nearly ruined as the plasterers failed to re–plug the freezer into a socket, the poor thing was only 2 to 3 degrees from zero temperature and rapidly defrosting... Phew!
During the day, amid the height of the battle, a squad of plumbers set up defences in the bathroom (sink & bath) and started laying booby traps around under the floorboards (they called it central heating). Hah! Can't fool me!
Well, after all the booby traps were laid, they went into a check 'em out mode – but could they get some of the big white heating units to heat up (for detonation of explosives I think)? NAH!. These guys were extremely brave, knowing that these heating things could go up at any time; they stayed an extra hour after they should have returned to their base camp, anyways! The units started to heat up (good job they weren't primed for detonation).
So, you think everything is running smoothly, he? – Think again (it is me, you know!). Just 30 seconds after they retired and pulled away in their armoured vehicle (err van), all the house lights went off – fuse tripped and kept tripping. This caused me to phone the housing emergency service, to which a electrician came around 8.00pm. In the pitch darkness, watching out for the landmines, he conducted (couldn't see a baton) a search of the electrical units. The units were all newly placed by the electricians of the battle group and, with some information I fed him, he found a faulty wiring in one of the light switches – which, I may add, was reported 4 days previous by me to the liaison officer of the battle group.
Now this electrician must have been a part–time judge, or general, because he said that they would charge the battle group for his attendance!
Now another day decided to show up. I think they called it Wednesday. Oh! I forgot to inform you (due to the heat and ferocity of the war), all the three support girders having been entrenched between the floor of the bathroom and kitchen. The first new kitchen unit was now going to be part fitted to shore up the defences, but no word on any extra forces for the pantry area. Now, here I start thinking (wasn't painful, I've done it before) are the sink/water connections going to leak? We shall see, he?
Strange to say for me, but no such uneventualities appeared. Also various radiator pipes were blocked in... As they had been defused and rendered harmless.
This is getting monotonous! Thursday (still Thing to the enlightened) appeared at first light, this allowed part of the kitchen area to be tiled, as was some of the bathroom area. And after? Yes, a leak was discovered in the kitchen – told you it's me, ain't it! This was soon rectified and was deemed a common occurrence, huh!
The following day, Friday (must be a stalker, 'cos it's always following Thursday) has been a lull. Forces consolidate their final positions and the war now seeming to be slowing in ferocity, unlike the first 2 weeks, but many battle scars will still remain for months to come – unless the Irish Lottery numbers arrive either on a Wednesday or Saturday, as these are the only days with an open window for any financial rescue package to be flown in!
Time to survey the area. I will be back with more battle news as it comes in. This is your fearless frontline reporter, Prof A. Chaos, signing out... 10 – 10, way down. I'm gone! (Citizens Band Radio speak)...
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