The Rev Jack's Diary
Created | Updated Dec 9, 2005
120 Roll Film
I woke up with a jolt, the missus had brought a cuppa out to me, the dogs (GOD BLESS'UM) are stretched out in the shade provided by the laburnum.
'3 hours, you been asleep, and I don't know how you do it!' she said,
'It's a gift from GOD' I reply and fluffed my paper, then back to reading it,
'It's a beautiful day!' she said,
'Yep!' I reply, really hoping she'd stop the conversation right there and be quiet, but it's not to be.
'Just had a phone call from Rose and she'll be up at the weekend. We'll put her in the back room it doesn't get the sun in the morning till late so she can lie in, and would you look at those dogs (GOD BLESS'UM) I'll get the camera!' All of that said in one breath! She left with a smile.
Just what is it with women? They feel the need to be on the go all the time. If it's not washing something, it's chasing 'their' man around the place making up jobs that need to be done. Then they feel the need to converse, as if it's the only really important thing in the world, and all this on a really nice day when the cricket is on the radio too!
'I've found it and it's still got film in, too!' she said,
'Ooh that's nice!' I said. She didn't say anything to my remark but just flashed me a look. I went back to the second innings and the paper. 'Click' went the shutter
'I think there's something wrong with the camera' she said.
I ignored the remark. 'Click' it went again. Then a pause for a while and then again 'click!' I dropped my paper and looked over the top. 'Click' it went again.
'I think that will make a good photo for the fridge' she said giggling. I flicked up the paper and went back to reading. All was quiet for the next hour except for the occasional 'click' as she tried to capture the dogs (GOD BLESS'UM) on film. They were having none of it. They disappeared off in different directions leaving my missus trying to gather them up and then getting them to sit still under the laburnum - a symbioses of dogs (GOD BLESS'UM) and cameras!
'In Britain, soon we're to pay for every mile we drive, according to our transport minister, using technology (not proven to work) once again which were going to have to pay for. Then the identity card, we're going to have to pay for using technology which, once again, we're going to have to pay for.' I'm reading this out loud,
'Yes dear!' comes the reply and I add
'I can feel the warm yellow pi$$ from the government's emptying bladder hitting the top of my head with the exchequer's enema emptying my hard earned cash from my wallet. 'Yet again the symbioses of government.' I said out loud and I got a 'Yes dear!' in response but this time with a 'click' and 'another one for the fridge!'
'Will you stop doing that?' I said,
'Nope!' she said laughing.
'Click' went the camera again! I think we're going to have to get a larger fridge at this rate.
I'm still trying to read the newspaper and then I hear
'The film's finished. We need to go to the shops to get it developed.' Now it's the royal 'we'. I could not help myself.
'I'll see you later, dear, and, while you're at the shops, 'we' could do with some milk for the tea!' I said and I slipped in a smirk behind the newspaper! I relaxed into my chair; the shops can wait!
The sun was really warm. The radio commentator's voice droned on and I was thinking about the article in the newspaper and about the way we're being fleeced by our government. The fact is we work hard trying to keep the wolves from the door and some faceless official invents a new tax and then calls it something else. The fact that, because you work and earn a living, being a responsible person you get penalized. A deep, troubled sleep ensued till my missus returned from the shops.
'I can't get this film developed and they don't really make it anymore either!' she said sounding slightly sad and added 'I must admit I like this camera and I don't want to get a new one!' I know what she's feeling. I have many things that are older than me that still work. I like using them - it keeps them alive. This is not to say that I'm a luddite. In fact, I like technology; my computer, digital camera, MP3 player and stuff like that, but it's lost something - a feel, a look! I must say, at this point, it's only my personal insight on this, but the smallness of these things (I have big hands) is my main grump. Not the technology but its size. But to see my missus handling the camera with a sad look on her face made me think about doing something about it.
'There must be somewhere out there (waves arm in the general direction of somewhere) that can help with that (points at camera) camera!' I said.
'How many have you had this afternoon?' she said with an inquisitorial look.
'A few and I'll start tomorrow on this quest!' I said raising my glass!
'It's Pi$$ing down!' I said as I looked out of the kitchen window the following morning. I downed a mouthful of warm tea around my mouth swiftly followed by 'where's the roll of film, twinkle?' I find the film where she said it would be and head out of the back door to the car and then to town. After having a nice warm conversation with the car parking attendant (hah, not a real person but a W****r) about parking my car in a parking bay rather than parking it on the pavement - my argument was the fact that there were more people walking in the road then on the pavement - and remarking 'I wish I could drive my car the same as people walked around in the street!' I acquired the ticket from the ticket machine and proceeded to park my car in a parking bay. I headed off to find a place to get this film developed.
As we all know, long gone are the day of taking your film to the chemist and waiting a week or so before you get your film back with the pictures. I end up at a camera shop, with the film, stood at the counter faced with a young shop assistant with an expression that could cut concrete (just wait till he gets a mother-in-law, again symbioses!). I hold up the roll of film and ask
'Can we develop this, please?'
'Nah, you need a digital camera. We don't do film anymore! Anyway, I assume that's film your holding?' he sneered. I was not going to give in to the little twerp's jibes.
'Ok, can you tell me *if* I can get this 'FILM' developed and where?' I say with a smile.
'You can always try the chemists!' said with much humour from him and other shop assistants stood around the shop. I smile and want to punch him in the face hard all at the same time (symbioses between young and old there!). I leave the shop and head off down to the local supermarket. They have a film processing thingy in the back of their store.
I hate supermarkets. I just can't stand them from the way they place their products in the stores, to the hired help not being really helpful and the lack of conversation when stood in a queue. The symbioses continues,
'Hello' I say to the girl behind the counter on the supermarket. A surly look is returned and
'The machine's down at the moment, so we ain't doing the hour service,' she says.
'Ok, but can you help me?' I reply holding up the roll of film.
'No, we don't do film!' she says.
'Yes, you do! Look, it says so on the list.' I point to the list on the back wall. '36 exposure 35mm film' £6.99' I read out loud. She is not impressed at my reading out loud of this notice as the face she pulls tells me. 'And I've all my own teeth as well!' I reassure her with a smile,
'But that stuff (points to the roll of film in my hand) we don't do, so we can't do it, can we!' She hisses to me through a false smile!
Suddenly I am dealing with someone who not only has all the social skills of salmonella bacterium, but also who is in need of an optician as well!
'But, sorry to be a nuisance, I can give you the name of a good optician because, if you could read the bottom of the notice on the wall, you'll see that you *can* but you have to send them away as you don't do them in the store' I faintly disguise the patronizing tone in my voice. I place the roll of film on the counter and wait - and then wait some more. Now being the only person in a queue of one person I would expect to be dealt with quickly. 15 minutes later she looks up and says
'You still here!?' spoken with a viciousness of someone who is plainly not happy at seeing me still stood at the counter.
'Yes,' I reply. Someone else turns up and stands in the queue. I turn to look at this person. We smile at each other then turn to look at the assistant who is looking at the other person.
'S'pose you want to collect your films?' says the assistant.
'Please! I think this person is first in the queue.' comes the reply.
'I ain't serving him because he's rude,' says the assistant.
'But I ain't blind and thick!' I say under my breath. The next sort of 30 seconds is a blur as the assistant throws a tantrum behind the counter. Next thing she is in tears. From all over the store managers appear and I am asked to leave. More symbioses!
I find my car where I left it, but with a new scratch along the side of it!
Symbioses eh!
RJR
