Smudger Snippets
Created | Updated Apr 14, 2005
I suppose it's because I have so much time on my hands these days, that all these memories come flooding back to me.
Instructions
Have you ever noticed that, when you but something new, you always get a set of instructions that come with it? Now these may be really helpful for you when you come to use the item for the first time. Or if it is a flat pack piece of furniture, then there is strong possibility that the instruction sheet may well find itself being torn up and binned, even before the piece is built.
Yet, for the best part, these instructions are useful especially if it something totally new to you. Mind you there are some that can leave you thinking that they were meant to be read by a nine year old child but, in the main, they are informative.
Wouldn't it be great if we all got a set of instructions to come along with the new baby you have just had.
'Congratulations Mrs Smith! Here is your bouncing baby boy and the instructions that go along with him!'
The idea is funny I know, but the concept wouldn't be as most men, especially, feel like a fish out of water when it comes to handling a new born baby. Even some mothers have been known to panic and find the whole ordeal hard to cope with. You look at this tiny little person and then it hits you that you are responsible for its well being, even for its existence. It can be a scary experience. These days mother and baby are sent home a lot more quickly than they used to be. So there you are surrounded by all this baby equipment that you have bought over the months leading up to the birth, but now you have the baby at home as well. It's about this time that you start to wish that you had set of instructions to enable you to cope.
This is only the start of the story. You have many years ahead of you and it is just when you think you are on top of the situation that you are hit with a teenager! This is a hard time for all concerned and you may wish that you had instructions for this highly emotional period. Now imagine having yet another and far larger problem than that to deal with; well it can get worse!
As this was about the time when we met, I had better explain this. I was working away from home, as I had been for the past few years. This, along with other problems, was the reason that my ex wife and I were splitting up.
My new partner1 who I was to meet later also had martial problems as well as three teenage children. Her then husband was a heavy drinker and very abusive both mentally and physically towards her. He had not had a job in years and showed no intention of looking for one. In the end she had to leave her home and children, which was a very hard thing to do, and move in with her sister, who was only too pleased to help her.
Now at this point we met up and decided to spend the rest of our lives together. That seemed to be an easy choice for us to make. The hardest part of it all was explaining this to her three and my two teenagers. Looking back on it now I would say that it was the hardest ever thing I have had to do as it tore at our emotions and scarred us all for life. In the end I had the support of one of my daughters. Mk2 had no support at all from her two teenagers but her twelve year old said that he wanted to stay with his mother.
Now it was at this point where we all could have really done with a set of instructions yet this is the time when you are on your own. Nobody can help you, unless they have experienced the same thing themselves. We moved up north, all three of us, and for the next three years our lives were a living hell! What I didn't know for the first year was that her son had only came with us with the whole intention of splitting us up. He had this idea in his head that, if he managed to do that, then his Mum would go back to live with his father.
One evening during one of our constant rows, he told me of his intentions, so I asked him to tell that to his mother. For the next two years I was caught in the middle; Mk2 did not believe me when I told her as she thought that I had a grudge against her boy. Life got so bad for me that there were times that I did not want to go home after my shift at work. Work in itself was stressful enough as I was working in the ambulance service at that time, doing long periods of 'on call' accident and emergency ambulance work. All this took its toll on me with the lack of sleep, missed meals and the extra shifts. I collapsed and was rushed to hospital.
It was when I came home out of the hospital and still on sick leave that it all came out. Mk2 and her son were having a row and he blurted it all out. The relief to me was just amazing and far more potent in my recovery than the medication I was taking at that time. Things calmed down and, after a lot of heart to heart discussion without shouting and screaming, Mk2 decided, along with her ex-husband who had been contacted by phone, to allow her son to move back and live with his elder brother, who had now moved out of his fathers house and set up in a place of his own.
So we set off one day and drove down to his brothers flat where there was another surprise for us waiting there. Upon arriving we were met by not only the lads brother but her ex-husband as well and, to my surprise, it was a warm welcome.
We all spent the afternoon together where a lot of the bad feelings of the past were aired, talked over and then forgotten. We left later that evening as if a heavy weight had been taken from us and the fact that Mk2 had two of her children not only speaking to her now but wanting to come up and visit us was a well-earned bonus. We have still lost two daughters between us, but that is balanced out by the fact that we are now proud grandparents of three wonderful grandchildren, who all come and visit us regularly with their parents.
It was just the other day when her youngest son actually told his Mum that he was happy for her and could see the difference in her since leaving her first husband. Then, to top all that off, he actually thanked me for making such a difference to his life and never trying to replace his natural father. So if ever there comes a time when you wish to God that you had an instruction book, do not worry. You can build it yourself as long as just keep trying.
