I'm busy killing things on my Play Station as the door opens and in walks the PA assigned to me. Not the one with the wiggle, as per request, but an official-looking old fart with her hair piled high on her head. Out the side of the hair a pencil is being sported.
'I hope you have read the memo's and replied to some of the e-mails that I know are in your inbox' she says.
'I have!' I lie - well it was my first day back in the family firm. This was also followed by a quick 'Not now, as I'm just about to enter battle with the 'covenant' and all of human existence is about to be exterminated if I don't get this level finished.'
'Ok, but before that I think you really need to do your memo's' she retorts! She's good! I can see why they picked her.
'Just how long did they brief you about me, then!' I enquire knowing I might be a special case!
'Oh, not long. About 3 minutes. I know 'your sort'. I have been trained for 'your sort', breaking in 'your sort' for most of my working life. Broke in young Mr Appleby for his family. It took only 6 months, too. He was a real challenge that one although not as bad as you have been. He never used sodium, putting it in a toilet just to get out of a meeting!' She says.
'That was one of my more inspired moments.' I say and go back to killing things.
'MEMO'S!' she says.

It isn't even ten of the clock yet and I'm already being treated to the sort of thing that was the reason I left in the first place ten years ago! I stop doing what I'm doing and pick the memo's up off the floor where I filed them like the rest of the work I'm supposed to do. It's a Monday morning and my first day back in the family firm. Having been outside working for around ten years, it's not a good start to the day.

She is now sat down in my office using her laptop, watching me trying to work.
'Would you like some help in sorting out your work?' she says looking with a strange stare in her eye. Then I notice it! She has one of those twitches, the sort of twitch which makes you join in involuntarily. My face becomes quite rigid for a few seconds but, twitch, I do it. Bu$$er it - and almost in time with her - and then another! We're synchronizing. I never knew that you could synchronize so quickly. This must be the way she gets you to conform so quick.
'LUNCH' I shout.
'What, it's only ten past ten.' she informs me.
'Nothing like an early lunch to sort the memo's out.' I inform her (twitch). Christ I have to get out of this office with her in it (twitch). The synchronization is almost complete as I leave the office for the bog! Shhhhhhhhhhhhuuuuuuushhhshhshshs... ... ... ... shptttt. Ah that's better I think as I take care not to splash my flip flops. I adjust my dress as the sign says to do so and I wash my hands to waste some more time and then leave to find another office to set up in. I want one with a good view of the west garden. So out into the corridor, turn right away from my office and head off to the building. Two hours of looking show me that there's only offices on the north side of the
building. Disappointed I head off towards the canteen and to have something to eat. I stop in my tracks. I can hear her (twitch) just around the corner (twitch). She is asking if anyone has seen me. I quickly turn and walk very quickly away from that part of the building, jump in the lift and head up, back on to the 'fifth' and back to my office!
'She's looking for you.' all the PA's tell me with a grin as I walk past feigning a twitch or two for comic effect. We're all sniggering until;
'THERE YOU ARE' she twitches. I'm thinking this is really scary. She knows - it's a consummate skill by which she controls all about her. A plan forms in my head. I have to stop the twitch or else I'm lost forever to be turned into a conforming suit in the grand office of life; never to have the joys of Play Station gaming, getting drunk with my dogs (GOD BLESS'UM) in the afternoon then go 'chasing things' with them, 'blacking out' that front tooth on a picture! I enter the office shutting the door behind me. I close the blinds and then: 'WAAAAAAAAGHAHAHAHHAH!' Where's my dogs (GOD BLESS'UM)? The shout can be heard across the expanse of space. I look around and they're gone, disappeared.
'I took the trouble of getting them taken out.' she twitches.
'Did they ask?' I enquire.
'How could they ask?' she twitches again.
'Because they do and, also, someone has not put their coats on them.' I twitch back holding up the two polo neck jumpers made for them by my mate Stuart's missus. 'They will catch their death, they are greyhounds.' I inform her.
'Oh, right, I'll just go and find them.' She leaves the office and I follow. (Twitch).

Twenty minutes pass and still no sign of my dogs (GOD BLESS'UM) and now I'm panicking because it's a fairly cold day and they have been inside a warm office.
'I need to get back as I have to sort some of your work out.' she says but this time with two twitches.
'Yeah, you do that.' I say holding the jumpers! 'I'm not coming in till I have found my dogs (GOD BLESS'UM)'

She leaves me there, waiting, looking anxious for another two hours, still nothing! And then a tap on my shoulder, they're found! There is nothing like losing your dogs (GOD BLESS'UM) and then finding them again. Well it's like family, innit! Then, as this relief wears off, I start to question who knows what and also who did what and I haven't got to wait long to find out! I enter the office and my dogs (GOD BLESS'UM) are there wagging their tails and looking happy to see me. 'Have they been fed?' I say.
'Of course' says the PA with a pencil in her hair. I didn't respond to her reply because I knew she was behind this. She was smiling at me in a way I know all too well.
'So we're all happy then, back to work, everyone.' she says. At this point I am still waiting for my brother to come and say hello on my first day back at the old firm. But, no, he's still not come around, so then there's two things, strange, I wonder what the third will be!

We all arrive back in my office, and I go back to playing with my Play Station; Halo2 this time. The screen goes black and even before the sound dies away a bunch of memo's, letters and things 'to do are placed in front of me.
'I think we really need to do this, don't we?' she says.
'No, and I think I really need to do this.' I say gesturing with two fingers. I get up and start to pack away my stuff. I'm not going to stay here. I am not going to stand for this sort of treatment. I didn't stand for it 10 years ago so why is it they think I will stand for it now? I'm thinking all of this when I look up and see my brother standing in the doorway.
'Off then?' he says.
'Yep' I say.
'Taking the easy way out?' he says.
'Yep' I say.
'So why did you come back then?' he says.
'I like the view from the window!' I say.
'I know!' he says.
'So why the old cow?' I say pointing at the PA.
'You have to earn the view!' he says. I take out my camera and snap a picture of the view.
'And I want my scaleletrix back in my office, working, in two hours or I might just wear a smile.' I say.
'Just stop it, will you! I just want you back inside the firm, brov! And also I would like to exploit your skill.'
'The one with the ten pence piece and the shot glass?' I enquire. The look I receive is a look of shock.
'No, I do not want you to show that skill ever, understand!' he says.
'Ok, not that one!' I say with a giggle. He then goes through, what I should be wearing andhow I should be setting an example to all employees. My response is:
'Poppycock. The only example I will be setting is how to leave the building quickly at the earliest opportunity.' I think he is getting the point. The fact I still consider having a job is only fourth place on my most important things in my life list - and that's after a hot bath, fish and chips with a good champagne. My family is, of course, on the top of the pile.

The old fart of a PA is mincing around, looking agitated. I think she can see her job on the line which is good. I mean, it keeps her on her toes and, in the pecking order of things, she is under me and I think she's beginning to know this. I walk over to the phone, press the little yellow button and ask for some tea and beef burgers to be sent in (a small ploy from me. I don't really want beef burgers but it's something that needs to be done).
'Ok, just for your daughter, I'll give into you as then I can see her when I want!' he says looking at me.

So this is what all this is about then; to see Ash and to feel for the family he's sacrificed in having a career for all these years. I could say 'no f*** off' which, I must admit, is very tempting but, no.
'You can/could see her anytime. She's as much yours as mine, brov, and a small offshore bank account for the id won't go amiss either.' I say. 'Well, there's no time like the present and, talking of presents, where's our Christmas presses then?!'

There is no time like the present to ask for presents, is there!

Rev Jack

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The Rev Jack Russell

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