Work, that place we spend 8 hours a-day, despising, hating, loathing, all because of that one bully/a$$$$$e of a manager who has this propensity of being a 'w@@ker' all day, everyday and just because you're late (through no fault of your own this time) decides to be
'on your case' for the rest of the day. Christ it makes me so angry just to think of it. So when you have to deal with this jumped-up pipsqueak wearing a slightly crumpled poly-cotton shirt from M&S, and that tie, (I reckon their mothers still buy their clothes for them) at around 09.31 on a fine, bright Monday morning, slightly late because of some other Poly-cotton man driving his rep-mobile has had a mishap on the rat run into work this morning, you're not in the mood to be faffed around by him. You just want a cuppa and to get on with the work of the day - that's what your paid for - and he's just stood there, whining on like a cat on heat about just how much it costs the company because of people turning up late to work in the mornings! You have the picture, then!

'What time do you call this?'
'I don't know'
'I'll have to buy you a watch'
'OoooOOOOoooooo can I have a Rolex please'
'So you think this is funny?'
'Well it's not bad, but I think you could play it with a little more pathos'
'You're late again, all this week so far'
'But it's Monday, the start of the week?'
'Well that's what you think. You haven't read the memo from last Thursday?'
'Nope, as I was late and I missed it'
'Typical, ah late again'
'No, not late for work, just for the memo. It was removed from my desk after lunch! Before I read it!'
'As from the week starting (blah) the official start of the week is going to be changed'
'Ahhh'
'CHANGED, to start Wednesday of that week and the change will be back dated to the beginning'
'PHEEW'
'BEGINNING OF THE LAST WEEK (BLAH), understand!'
'Do we still get paid on the same day and also the same amount?'
'Of course'
'Well that's ok then!'
'OFFICE N O W!!!!!!'

We arrive at his office, all IKEA furniture and subtle, neutral colours. It's the third floor and there's only two other floors to go. Being on the third floor means you have a PA to share and a key to the lavatory on the fourth floor - real management there, then. The door opens and it's got that air-con chill and the smell of middle management aftershave.

(Bull$) I pull the chair out in front of his desk and sit down. In wiggles the PA, nice girl if a little short, placing a folder of papers on his desk she says
'Andrew on the fifth floor, wants this finished and implemented by the start of the week.' I say
'Wednesday.' he says
'Shut up and who told you to sit down in my office?' I say
'I did, it's a common thing to sit down on a chair.' The PA leaves with a snigger on her face.

He's sort of looking at me. I'm looking out the window but I can feel his icy stare penetrating my very person.
'You have a really nice view, from up on the third floor, don't
you?' I say without looking around at him. Then I carry on to say 'Pity about the décor, though. I suppose you could brighten it up with a few nice pictures.' It falls on deaf ears - he is about to embark on a tirade. I am interested to see if his vocabulary has improved since he came off the managerial course we all went on a few weeks ago. It was to promote 'team bonding' which, when I read the memo, promoted it like a 'company glue, bonding the core groups of skilled, unskilled labour and management into a hard fighting fit corporate company.' Nice thought, I thought at the time, but, as I was soon to find out, I was in the bit of the company which was fighting the flab! And like all things of today it has to be a drastic cure, and mostly cosmetic, liposuction was the order of the day!

'I have never come across a person, with such a plain disregard of authority.' he says as he sits and I now stand in his office.
'I know. It's been such a burden ever since I started here as I'm really the only one fighting back.' I say with a smile and the door is shut. Now I am for it, I can see it in his eyes. But who cares? After all, it's only a job and I have been informed that 'during your working life time, you may have as many as twenty jobs.' so I'm doing well then. Also I refuse to use the word 'career' because it's a job! This is my forty-ish job and I'm beginning to lose count, so I think this is the last time I'll worry about these jobs ever again!
'Hello, HELLO!' he says. I was looking out of the window again and apparently he's been 'talking' to me about the importance of why I should be a 'team member'. He is really beginning to annoy me now, ruining a perfectly good view out of the window with his inane talking about my attitude which, let's face it, is pretty appaling but at least it's true to me!
'So then, is my work not good enough? Do I not fit in with my other work mates? If I work from home, I work from home. I do not smell, have bad breath, smoke and also turn up for work at the office albeit a little late from time to time. I'm very rarely sick!' I say in one breath in between his sentences.
'That's not why you're here' he says 'It's your attitude towards authority and me in general! And it's work "colleagues" not "mates", that's in last week's memo too!' He finishes!
'The one that I haven't read yet!' I say. He presses his little yellow button on his phone.
'Get Mr Russell's records from the resource offices.' He barks down the intercom. There is no response. The request is barked again but with more inflection in the 'GET' bit of the order. Still nothing.
'You wait here 'till I get back.' He looks at me as if I am a five year old at the breakfast table, with a bowl full of coco pops and cornflakes with some prunes added in for good measure! I assure him I won't and also I won't pinch his pencils either!
'Just what I'm on about.' he spits as he walks past and out the door!

I go back to looking out the window. Some really nice aspens, I think, I would like some of them for my garden. A pleasant hour passes, with a cup of coffee I go and make myself from the kitchen. I meet some of the other people working on the 'third', as they put it, and have a chat with one of the other PA's. He's still not back so I take my lap top out of my bag, plug it into the office network and start to read my e-mails and do a little of the work that I'm here to do for the next hour or so. This is really a nice environment to work in - better than the open-plan office I usually inhabit. Another hour and he's still not back. A head appears around the door.
'Can I disturb?' she says.
'Of course' I say.
'As you're new we were wondering if you like to join us for lunch?' she responds.
'Why not? I'm feeling a little peckish. I'll grab my coat and be right there.' I say and pack up my stuff. I press the little yellow button.
'Hello?' I say. A giggly 'hello' comes back. 'Please could you tell everyone that I've gone to lunch with some new colleagues I've found!' I say, suppressing a big giggle.
'Yes, Mr Russell' is the response.
'Thank you.' I reply and walk out the door!

We enter the canteen and sit at the unofficial 'third' table. It's the main canteen and you are able to sit anywhere you like but, as with the way of society, people like to feel just that little bit more 'special' than 'others'. The hierarchal system I have opted out of for so many years feels strange to me but I'm playing a game today as, probably, it's my last day of employment for this company. It reinforces my reasons for opting out so many years ago! I hear a whisper from my right.
'This table is our table. They clean the seats, too, around ten minutes before we come down and keep it for us. We don't want just anyone do we!' she says.
'No, I think its quite wise.' I reply. That's reason number one why I left this petty-minded group of people. They live for the one-up-man-ship. That's something I can't stand; it's like all the new houses they build look all the same and have garages too small to fit a car in. But I digress. It's a pleasant enough lunch and, as we're early enough, the food is still warm enough to enjoy. We enter into a conversation, the type of which I haven't had in years and really not missed, but it's still interesting to take part in once in a while. It's about who's going and who's leaving and who's being pushed and what ever happened to, and I just make the correct noises and just listen! Ahh the joy's of management!

It's one o'clock and we're going back to the 'third' and still no sign of the w@@ker who has given me all this fun this morning. I enter the office; it's exactly as I left it. I plug in my lap top and begin to carry on working. Even though it might be my very last day of being employed here, I still like to do my job because it's still enjoyable to me! So the next two hours pass without an interruption till, 'BINGGGGG', a little blue light comes on the phone. I press the yellow button and the intercom crackles into life.
'We were wondering if you would like a cup of coffee as we're making one for ourselves?' says the voice.
'Please!' I respond and several minutes later in wiggles the PA I had seen this morning.
'Thank you!' I say and she places the cup on the table.
'You have caused a lot of trouble today. There's been a row in the resources office over you!' she says.
'Really? How surprising!' I sip my coffee.
'Yes.' she says then carries on to inform me of all the trouble I have caused; the loss of two 'valued members of staff' which I feel no joy in causing. I sip my coffee with a slight embarrassment and then I think I'd better do something about it.
'OK. Get the fifth floor on the phone. It's time someone took charge of the situation and that someone is me.' I say. She gives me a look that makes me check my lunch box.
'So you want me to get you someone on the "fifth floor" and then you're going to put this right?' she says.
'YES, my good woman. I will endeavor to put the injustice right.' I say in a style which makes me want to put my underpants on the outside of my trousers!
'Right, just who do you want me to get?' she says with just a hint of incredulity.
'The main man, the C in C of the company...' I say!

'Ever since I have known you, you have had a predisposition to cause trouble and today of all days you had to start.' says a voice I have known for so many years I care not to remember. 'Please, girls.' he says and the PA's leave the room and me and Dave, my brother, are standing in this office - something we haven't done for at least ten years!
'I always liked this side of the building.' I say.
'I know.' says Dave followed by 'So just how long have you been working for our company again?'
'About four years!' I say, not knowing what to say, really.
'And you didn't even phone me up?' he says.
'No.' I say.
'He had a bit of a surprise when he read your file!' Dave says.
'I bet he did.' I say.
'So what are you going to do now?' Dave says.
'I think I might make this my office. Can I have the PA with the wiggle, as I don't know her name! And unfire those people that's been fired, please!'
'God, you still haven't changed, have you!' Dave says.

We stand in this office, something we haven't done for around ten years since we had a bit of a row over this company we started five years before - over the direction the company was taking. So I was talking to my brother again after so many years, face to face!
'Is there any chance that we can put right the thing I've mucked up to-day?' I say to Dave.
'Well I think so. If you move to the 'fifth' and come back to work properly.' he says.
'No' I say, knowing full well that I would have to wear a suit!
'You wouldn't have to wear a suit and you could have an office on this side of the building.' he smarms. As I was quite unprepared for this remark I kept quiet, lost for words.
'Lost for words?' he says and he is right of course but not to let on that he knows he is right I say
'Sort of.'
'Well, then, we'll see you Monday.' he says.
'You might.' I say in the voice of the teenager who has lost to his older brother again, and I was to start back at the family firm on Monday!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

'I've packed your banana and some sugar free sweets in your lunch box dear!' says my missus as I get ready for work on Monday morning. 'Great!' I think as I walk downstairs to the breakfast table.
'God I hate this, I can't stand going to work, I feel sick.' I
protest.
'Of course you do, dear!' she says as she butters her toast. I think it's not going to be a good day. 'Don't you think you should put some trousers on rather than the shorts you have on at the moment?' she remarks in a really annoying way.
'NO' I say.
'They will only make fun of you.' she says.
'F***'um, I'm the boss!' I say with a evil grin.
'Ahhh, so glad to see you're getting into the swing of things! It's time I drive you into work. I'll have my phone on all day today in my office and you can call me if you get stuck.' All this and a smile, too! I was impressed with her.

I get up out of my seat and call the dogs (GOD BLESS'UM).
'Don't you think that taking the dogs (GOD BLESS'UM) is a bit much, dear?' she warns.
'No, start out as you mean to go on.' I say as I open the front door and head for the car. The commute in is nice and I think the dogs (GOD BLESS'UM) are impressed at the skill of my missus's driving/avoidance of the other drivers. We soon arrive at the offices. The frontdesk stops me and asks for my security pass (only doing their job I think) then we're in the lift on our way to the 'fifth' stopping on the 'fourth' to let people out. I end up on my own with the dogs (GOD BLESS'UM) then reach the 'fifth'. The door of the lift slides open. With a quiet efficiency my first memo takes shape; the first one in ten years: Memo to the lift makers; please can you add a Star Trek 'shussssh' noise to all lift doors. I step out into the corridor, turn left and past the PA's. They look at me, smile and go back to doing what they're good at; making things run smoothly. I arrive at my new office (it has my old name plate on it) and I enter. Nice, I think, my Play Station can go over there and the picture of the dogs (GOD BLESS'UM) on the wall.

As I'm mentally placing my stuff in my new room I fail to notice the person behind the desk, placing work for me to do out on the desk.
'I'm putting all the essential reading on the right pile and the rest you can work through as and when. I'll be outside. If you need me
press this one and I have been told you're not to have coffee. Oh and do try to keep the dogs (GOD BLESS'UM) off the furniture.'
'Ok, right, by who? And I'll try' I say back as she wafts through the door. 'Well!' I say to the dogs (GOD BLESS'UM) 'That's nice of her.' I unpack my lunch box, my Play Station, my laptop, plug it into the office network, file the paperwork off the desk into a neat pile on the floor, kick off my flip flops and begin working!

I'll be finishing this one next week!

Rev Jack

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The Rev Jack Russell

02.12.04 Front Page

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