The Rev Jack's Diary
Created | Updated Oct 14, 2004
Never a Moment Dull
'For the last time, it's not the spark plug's mate, cus it ain't got any, and it's a diesel' I said to Two Watches. This is not going to plan. All I wanted to do was to find out what's stopping Two Watches van from running and again it's been two hours of tooth pulling tedium with Two Watches helping/hindering. So I'm still not sure what's making this motor play up. Stumped I exit the garage and go to the kitchen for another cup of tea.
'Is it running yet?' my missus says.
'Nope Not yet' I say.
'How long have you been on it, now?' she says. 'Feels like forever. Are you sure it's not an immobilizer chip missing from the key?!
'AhhhhhhhAHHhhhhh, well remembered.' I say and ask Two Watches for the key to the van.
There's a small hole in the plastic handle of the key, about the size of an immobilizer chip.
'Do you have another key?' I say to Two Watches.
'No, but my sister has.' comes the reply!
'Be gentle with him!' says my missus.
'Why?' I reply.
'Because he's someone with just a different outlook on life.' she says.
'But just can't I hit him or something?' I say.
'NO, he's special!' comes the reply from my missus.
'Can you get your sisters key Two Watches?' I say to Two Watches and he leaves me and my missus in the kitchen.
'I really like the bloke but he can be a bit overpowering.' I say to my missus and she nods in agreement.
This is a good cup of tea, the toast is going down a treat, the dogs (GOD BLESS'UM) are sat on the sofa looking like a tangled mess, the sun is sunning for the first time in days and I think I've solved the mystery of the van which won't start, with the help of my missus's good memory!
'He's been some time getting the key from his sister' I say to my missus when there's a knock from the front door. I get up to answer it. It's Abby, Two Watches sister, with the key and I invite her in and ask where her brother is as I had asked him to get her key.
'I haven't seen him to-day!' comes the reply.
'So how did you know that I wanted the key to the van then?' I say.
'I felt it!' she says with an authority in her voice that is scary.
'Okay!' I say following her into the kitchen and sitting at the table to finish off my tea and toast. She places the key on the table and wanders over to where Ash is and picks her up to give her a cuddle. Ash smiles and gurgles.
'Are you going to say mummy for aunty Abby, then?' says Abby to Ash.
My missus smiles at the pair of them, then smiles at me.
'I'll get the gripe water 'cos all this smiling is giving me the pip.' I say grabbing the keys while heading out the door quickly.
'Men' says my missus just in ear shot!
I'm back outside in my natural element; my head stuffed under a bonnet, the smell of a hot engine, oil, diesel oil and the rest of the other odours that prevail under there - Heaven! Then 'PARP'! Someone sounds their horn. I jump, startled, and my head hits the bonnet, hard! It's Two Watches.
'For goodness sake you pillock!' I say.
'Funny just how many people do that when I sound the horn!' he says.
'WHAT'S that? Do what?' I say, not hearing what he's just said.
'Hit their head and then call me a Pollock!' he says with a smile.
I just stand there rubbing my head and wondering if this bloke has a clue to what's going on around him. He's one of the nicest people I know but he can't half try your patience. Les turns up.
'Having trouble, Lads?' he says.
'Jack's just hit his head on the bonnet' says Two Watches to Les.
'Hey Jack, you ought to be more careful!' says Les.
At this point I mention the fact that Two Watches sounded the horn while I had my head under there. They both laugh and I walk around to the drivers door, open it and put the key in the ignition. I make sure that the van is out of gear and then turn the key. The engine rumbles into life, job done. So with that I start to clear up, getting ready for a few beers down the back bar of the pub!
'They're on me!' says Two Watches.
'I'll come down for a swift half' says Les with a wink and we all wander off to the back bar.
We enter the bar. The juke box in the other bar is throbbing out music and Ally is jigging around picking up the empty glasses. She sees us and disappears behind the bar to serve us.
'You lot fancy a pickled egg and a packet of crisps, with your beers?' she says.
'Yeah, why not!' says Two Watches.
'So how do you like your egg's then Ally?' I ask.
'Unfertilized.' comes the reply.
Les looks at me with a shocked look.
'It's ok! Don't go there!' I say to Les. We pick up our pints and head off to our corner of the bar to drink and eat our eggs and crisps!
'So all you have to do is get a new key and get the chip reprogrammed and away you go!' I say to Two Watches.
'Good ho.' he says. He picks up his pint, drinks some of it then takes the egg and places it into the beer. We watch the egg sink down to the bottom of the glass.
'Right, you're on.' I say and I 'top' my pint and slip the egg into it! 'Les, wait for the egg to sink and then - in your own time - shout go!
A minute passes and then 'GOOOOOOOOOoooooo' shouts Les.
We both pick up the pints and start to drink and eat all at the same time. I have yet to beat Two Watches at this game. I'm a really slow second and Two Watches turns his pint glass upside down on the table and belches a loud belch - the type that only a man can do! Ally laughs at us playing silly buggers and shouts last orders as it's a Thursday and half day closing. So we leave!
'The Other Pub is open, do you fancy one in there?' says Two Watches. As he says this his van trundles past with his sister and my missus and Ash waving at us.
'How can she drive the van, Stevie? I still have the keys!' I say.
'Oh, don't worry. She has this aura that starts things, any thing really - opens locked doors, stuff like that. She's been always able to do that ever since she was dropped on her head when she was a kid.' he says.
'But, but, but' I stammer.
'Have a beer and forget about it.' Two Watches says.
I look at the van disappearing round the corner and out of the village so I enter the pub!
'Got any pickled eggs, then?' says Two Watches.
'You ain't playing that stupid game in here. You were in last night and made a complete mess of the toilets!' says the small, new barman. 'And if I ever find out who put Sodium in the toilet last week, I'll be bringing legal proceedings!' he carries on to say!
'So you're going through the motion's then?' says Les and we snigger as do some of the assembled bar!
'OUT, GET OUT OF THIS PUB, NOW!' he shouts.
'I think he wants us to leave!' says Les so we exit the bar and go into the village. There's a light drizzle starting and the world has suddenly turned all grey and damp. We head off to my house and have a bottle of beer and a look at a new dvd film!
Rev Jack
