So I went shopping the other day, no really, I did.

I was in the supermarket, and was having a bit of a go at Trolleyology. The trolley next to me
contained 30 cans of Heinz beans, some hamburgers, some bread and a few packs of lager and no
cleaning equipment. The various items had been divided into four for the conveyer at the till. My
deductive mind instantly hit it, 2nd year student boys who had just moved in together. Yes, even though


A-levels have been getting steadily better, nobody seems able to split up an itemised shopping bill
between 4 people. Their mothers probably didn't trust them to buy the right cleaning equipment so
had already loaded them up with a years supply of detergent and surface cleaner¹.

Anyway, I sidetrack, so Freshers Week is almost upon us in Manchester (except if you attend Man
Met who seem to start a bit later than the rest for reasons best known to themselves), and again it's
mixed feelings. I like South Manchester over the summer, it's nice and quiet, bars are not packed and
there is never a guy trying to convince a kebabateer that Freud and Jung were essentially the same
person from a point of view of the dormouse or some other tripe. However, there is never an audience
to play to and although I can get a seat on the bus, it seems like the whole city is waiting for
something.

Most likely in the next week or two I'll be moaning about freshers on buses, and how every journey


is too long and such, but at the moment I miss the smelly students.

So what was I going to write about, oh yes I remember, pop music and Simon Cowell.

There are many 'proper musicians' who dislike Pop Music, hey see creatures like Will Young,
Britney Spears, and whoever the current fad is, suddenly get catapulted to the top and become
flavour of the month. We deride a field of the industry where looks are up there with talent, and many


are jealous that people give them solid gold hits on a platter.

Yes, this is annoying, but the fact remains that people buy the records, then they must supply the
demand. Remember that if the sales fall just slightly, these artists are dropped quicker than Ruud Van
Nistleroy in the opposition penalty area, and whereas a band has the publishing and song writing
credits to live off, these artists don't.

Still tens of thousands of people seems to fancy auditioning for the new ITV X-Factor pop
stars/idol thing. Nobody has quite explained what the difference this has from the others, I think
they have groups, but still don't allow instruments, so I can't really work it out. Anyway, the panel of
judges in the first show were Louie Walsh (managed Boyzone, Westlife), Sharon Osborne (wife and
manager of Ozzy, and also some other rock groups), and Simon Cowell. Sadly Ant and Dec weren't
hosting, instead it was left to 'Divina for the dumbed down' Kate Thornton **shudders**.

In the other shows Cowell represented the block of harsh reality between Nicki Chapmans
mumsyness, Pete Watermans' senile ditherings, and Neil 'Doctor"' Fox's cheesy slime².

The panel this time seems quite entertaining it its own right, while Louis Walsh has the demeanour
of a damp flannel on the verge of drying up, there is no shortage of opinions from the other two
panellists. Sadly most of Sharon's had to be edited out, but hey, we can't have everything !

Like him or hate him, it's in these early rounds that Simon Cowell is in his element, sorting the wheat


from the chaff. I spent a few years as a music reviewer for my uni mag and delighted in finding new
ways to be rude about people, however I was safe in the knowledge that I was not saying it to people's


faces.

Many of us, when the crunch comes down to it, will happily lie to people's faces, saying oh yes,
you're a great (or more often unique) guitarist, while really meaning that the limit of your talent is
hammering out 2 chords, and even then it is out of time.

Simon Cowell has the confidence in himself and the ruthlessness to come out and say what he feels
about people. He may not know too much about music, I doubt he knows to much about the history of
blues, I'd assume he has never sat down and tried to find meaning in the words of a Bob Dylan song, I
doubt he cares to much about a Rick Wakemen keyboard part in Yes³. Cowell was too busy making money to care. He knows who buys the records
he sells, he knows what they want and what will sell, and he knows what will make him money. To the
people on the cusp of greatness, he tells them to try somewhere else, fair enough, but we don't care
about them.

All we care about is the hopeless wreaks of humanity who have spent 20 years in the self delusion

that they have the same vocal talents of Billie Holiday, Elvis or Madonna, when really they have a voice

that has more in common with a distressed feline than a fully functioning human. Here's where it

puzzles me, the man offers them constructive criticism, mainly along the lines of stop singing and go

back to the factory, which if most of us had the gall we would say to, and he's made a hate figure.

In an increasingly politically correct world, we need a bit of say what you see honesty and thanks

to Mr Cowell we have it. You can't go on letting people believe that they have a talent when they

don't. People need to find there place in life and if the entertainment industry isn't it then fine, they

might make millions as a stock broker and retire by 25, but they have to be told to change.

Look at it this way, if Simon Cowell had been in Texas when dumb George was making his way to the top of the greasy pole using as many of his dads connections as much possible, think what would have
happened. When each of the companies Bush ran went belly up, Simon should have been there saying, 'Now look George, you can't handle money can you, you have no concept of numbers, I'd stay away from anything financial, how about working on a ranch, look Mooo Cows!'. When in grade school and Bush had to read out his stories, Cowell should have been at the front of the class saying, 'Look
misunderpassation isn't a proper word, you are not cut out for public speaking and writing, how about working in a florists, look, pretty flowers.' When Bush ran away from his national guard duty, Cowell should have been there saying, 'Look George, you're no use at this war business, it is all very well sitting in the bath shouting boom, boom and playing with your boats but this is real life Georgy boy, look there's a job opportunity for an electrician, you like electrocuting things don't you?!?'

Where would we be now, not mourning the causalities in Iraq and certainly not fearing what ever is

around the next corner.

Wow, that was a rant

And here's a quick plug.

• Minus 1 Raver at Satan's Hollow – Sunday 19^th September.
• Narcissus, Midland Railway, Silent Quarter, Smiling Politely and Devient at Jabez Clegg - Monday 20^th September.
• Master Bluesman and many others at The Bowling Green - Tuesday 21^st September.

Till next time.

Love, Peace and Blues


tjm

Mancunian Blues Archive

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