The Rev Jack's Diary
Created | Updated Aug 19, 2004
Colouring-in The Universe Part 1
Life has a way of surprising you. Once in a while it throws you a funny, often at the strangest times too. For my birthday this year I was given some coloured pencils and nice arty paper to make a mark - as the written instructions instructed me to do. This was back in March of this year, my 45th year on this planet approx (earth time has never been quite that accurate). I put the present away in my box and promptly forget about it as I can't draw to save my life... till a few hours ago when I found it again while I was looking for something else in my box. The nice arty paper was rolled up and the pencils were tucked inside it and it sort of called to me!
I unrolled the paper and placed it on to the table, upside down to stop it rolling back into the tube shape thingy that it's become accustomed to living in, and there it was. A stark white piece of paper waiting for my first mark upon it. Scary eh? So I start to doodle; a sort of self portrait with a bow tie and some glasses, a UFO, a flower, back to the UFO and put an aerial on it, a planet. I stop for a minute or two! I'm enjoying this. I go back to drawing and the next two hours are lost to me but not to the piece of paper. It's now nearly full up with a load of little drawings. I'm proud of the drawing of the dogs (GOD BLESS'UM), and my UFO with aerial. They're not the best in the world, but they're mine! And I've forgotten what I was looking for in my box. I have 9 pieces of paper left and I've run out of a few of the coloured pencils too... one of the dogs (GOD BLESS'UM) is now a lighter shade of purple! This goes back into my box for later!
In my house I have my own room where I keep my PC and stuff like the stuffed heads, a big fish in a glass case, a polar bear skin on the floor (with attached head, missing its left glass eye) an open fire place and my box. It's an old foot locker box which was issued to me by my dad years ago when I went to school and it contained all my important stuff. It still does really. My first dogs' (GOD BLESS HER) old collar and lead and some of her puppy teeth too in a tin, a luger pistol WW2 vintage, a catapult, a beetle collection, a note book with all my squib recipes in and now my arty stuff. The kettle is nearly boiling, the tea bag is in the mug, the dogs (GOD BLESS'UM) are in the back garden running around enjoying themselves and soon I'm back working, writing/rewriting teaching notes, updating notes and generally being a normal person earning some for the mortgage!
It's 17.15 and I'm finished for the day. The rest of the day is mine and I waste no time in taking the dogs (GOD BLESS'UM) for their walk. My missus, Ash and Sue (my missus' PA) will be late home because of the traffic (lorry on its side on the M4) so we're going to have a late tea again. I'll put it on after the walk with the dogs (GOD BLESS'UM). I turn right out of the gate and into the village. There's not a car on the main road, it's very quiet for a Friday night. Through the village still no car or anything else, even the pub has only foot traffic in it! Out of the village and on to the common. It's early evening. There's light dew on the grass and a slight mist around your ankles. The heat of the day still hasn't left the air under the trees. There's not a sound, no background traffic noise, it feels strange. It's something you grow accustomed to, noise, expect even! I feel a shiver run up my spine and I turn around expecting someone or thing there, but nothing. I look at the dogs (GOD BLESS'UM) and they're uneasy too. They stay close to me, sniffing the air and feeding off my insecurity. I notice there is still no sound; not a bird, no trees rustling, it feels like an eternity like I need to look at a clock to know if time is passing and not stood still. Then I'm out of my skin with fright.
'Quiet to-night' said Dave in my left ear!
'Christ Almighty Dave...' I said, trying to put my heart back in my chest, 'you just gave me the fright of my life. You Baaaaahssss8888888! Who's that with you?' I carried on, trying to change the subject.
'It's only 'Two Watches1' and he's making enough noise to get us both caught.'
I have never understood just how wearing two watches can help you when your abducted.
'It's to confuse the little 'blighters' when they do the experiments. Just make one of the watches five minutes fast and the other one five minutes slow. I reckon that ought to be enough to distract them' says Two Watches.
'Right!' I said with a cheery smile! I look over to Dave and he's shaking his head, he mouths 'You just had to ask!'
18.45 'Dave, what are we doing, Dave?' I ask in a whisper.
'Sssssh' is the response I get from Dave and Two Watches so I just follow with the dogs (GOD BLESS'UM).
'What's that?' said Dave.
'What's what?' said Two Watches.
'That, over there!?' Dave points to a small patch of grass next to a tree stump.
'That I'll be a tree stump then Dave.' said Two Watches.
'Not the bloomin tree stump but the light patch next to it. Goodness was you ever dropped on you head when you were a baby?' said Dave.
'Nope' said Two Watches 'but my sister was!' he added.
'My God Almighty' I add to this surreal conversation. 'Sorry but I want to pull my teeth out, now, this very instant.' I said and Two Watches stands up.
'What's the matter with you? I didn't ask you to join in on this quest!' he said.
'Quest?' I said with a tone of incredulity in my voice.
'Yeah' said Dave with just plain sarcasm in his voice.
'If that's the case, I know when I'm not wanted and my home made-squibs will not be made for bonfire night this year.' I said.
'Squibs, you make your own squibs?' said Two Watches.
'Yes and I didn't hear any complaints last year - well only from the convent but it was bound to happen with that sort of side wind.' I said.
There was a look of awe in his eyes 'And I thought you bought those last year.' Two Watches said! It went quiet again!
21.03 'Ok, we have been bent double for the last couple of hours, looking for God knows what, my back is aching and the dogs (GOD BLESS'UM) are bored. Worst still, my missus is sat at home with no tea as I haven't made it yet. Just what are we looking for, please?!!!!!' I said to Dave.
'A hedgehog.' comes the reply.
'A £**@**$ hedgehog? And just what is so special about this £**@**$ hedgehog, pray do tell?' I said with more than just a touch of sarcasm in my voice! 'I thought it was something important, something that Dave lost, not a £**@**$ Hedgehog.'
'This is a very special hedgehog' said Two Watches.
'Oh good, does it sing then?' I said.
'Of course not, that would give it away.' said Two Watches!
I just look at him with a hard stare. Just fine and dandy! I'm out with one of my best mates, also a person who doesn't need to audition for the part of a village idiot and two dogs (GOD BLESS'UM) who just want to go home. 'Help' my brain starts screaming to me. 'Right I'm off home to make some supper because the missus will be in now and before I get into more trouble with her too!'
I arrive home and still no missus. Ahhahhahh, I think, the first bit of luck today! I start to make supper and check my phone. No outstanding calls so she's not called. I'll do some nice chicken, salad and open a nice red wine to go with this food. I give the dogs (GOD BLESS'UM) theirs and carry on to slice'n'dice in a good Delia way. The back door opens. In walks Sue, her bloke, my missus, her sister and her two kids. 'Nice,' I thought, 'bang goes our quiet weekend then!'
'It's so quiet out there.' my missus says and gives me a peck on the cheek as she walks past.
'Yeah I know. I was walking the dogs (GOD BLESS'UM) and Dave frightened the life out of me.' I said.
She sniggers. The back door bursts open and in walks Dave followed by Two Watches. Dave is carrying something in a small bag which he places on the kitchen table.
'Get your camera, mate. Quick because I don't want it to go in to shock!' says Dave.
I nip out quick to get my camera. Dave and Two Watches open the bag and out pops a head and starts hissing. Not a blonde hedgehog but a full pinked-eyed albino one. I take several pictures before my missus, says;
'Ok, just get that thing off my kitchen table and why don't you go into your room with it in the first place!'
Dave puts the little blighter back into the bag.
'What are you going to do with it now, Dave?' I say to Dave.
'I'm going to take it to the wildlife refuge over by Hook Norton. That's why I was trying to catch it. They don't survive in the wild, and it's a young'un too so it should do well, eh!' says Dave.
'GO AND TAKE IT INTO YOUR ROOM NOW' says my missus, so we do, all three of us, and shut the door!
'Phew, I thought she was going to eat us!' says Two Watches.
'She in a bit of a mood there eh Jack?' says Dave.
'Yeah, she ain't been fed yet that's why. Talking of which nor have I!
'What's all this then?' says Two Watches.
'What?' I say.
'This arty stuff, over here on the other table' says Two Watches.
It's my doodles. I didn't ever put them away and now they're on display. Dave is sniggering.
'Nothing' I say and quickly scoop them up and put them out of sight.
'You ain't turning all arty fa*ty on us Jack?' Dave enquires and carries on 'The squib master, is going soft eh!'
I'm thinking just how far can you ram a stuffed puffa fish into someone's personal space and with a sympathic judge, how much time would you have to serve when the door opens and my missus says;
'Right children it's supper time and Jack has to stop playing now. You two GO HOME and take the little hedgehog with you, out!' She points to the door. Dave and Two Watches leave with Dave saying 'We'll see you in the playground tomorrow, Jack.'
My missus adds 'OUT NOW BEFORE I HAVE A WORD WITH YOUR MISSUS DAVE'
'Ok, sorry' Dave says and disappears out the door. Two Watches may be a village idiot but he also has the sense to keep out of the way of trouble!
'Just sit down and have your supper' says my missus followed by 'I just wish I could return home once and find you not in trouble. You lot just act like kids. You never act your age and the fact is you will never act your age. The dogs (GOD BLESS'UM) have more sense and, And, OOOOOH just eat your supper!'
I'm lying in bed, it's 02.00 and the house is settling. I can hear Sue snoring in the other room (only woman snore that loud, IMHO) and my missus looks at me and says;
'You're just a big kid at heart, aren't you?'
and I say
'Yes, of course! Are you in to getting Dave back for sniggering at my doodles, for saying I'm going soft?'
'I might be. What have you got planned?' she says.
'Oh nothing, but an idea that's incubating!' I say.
'What?' she says.
'Like dying his new cow a light shade of lavender!' I say.
'You kid, but I'm in' she says with an evil grin. I go back to sleep and dream of colouring the universe... and Dave's new cow!
A link for you to look at. It's about albino hedgehogs and they are quite rare too!
Rev Jack
