I'm watching TV again and wanting to put a size 9 (continental 43) through the screen. My partner grabs the remote before I can throw it at the wall so I stomp out into the hall, grab the dogs (GOD BLESS'UM) leads and whistle for them! Mumbling something like 'it's the only enjoyment I get now, walking my dog's (GOD BLESS'UM)' and 'Where's
my wellies', I find them where I left them and leave the house still in a dark mood. I turn right, out of the street and into the village, down past the pub and that's full, so it's on to the common.

It's early evening and the light is just fading into the warmth of a British summer evening the dogs (GOD BLESS'UM) are off chasing rabbits and generally having fun at the expense of the local wildlife, so an hour or two passes like this till the light starts to fade some more and my mood lifts to a light drizzle. I call the dogs (GOD BLESS'UM) and we walk back over the common and into the village via the village green (I'm heading for the back bar of the pub) to the stile that takes me into the garden and then to pub's back bar! This bar is one of the
smallest you will ever have to encounter. It's got a small hatch in the wall through which beer, crisps, pickled eggs and other delights are stuffed through. I find a seat next to Steve who is playing crib with his mate from the other village (who we stuffed at Tug'o'war last summer) and I start to watch the TV in the corner of the bar.

On the TV it's the local news,

'BLAH BLAH local sky diving vicar BLAH BLAHDY BLAH stuck up his own spire, while trying to marry local sky diving couple BLAH BLAHDY BLAH the local fire brigade due to economic cut back's, ladder was too short to reach the stranded vicar and finally the weather, Jill!'

I stop watching and look around the bar. The dogs (GOD BLESS'UM) are curled up in the corner pretending to be asleep. Steve says to me:
'There's one in for you, and have a look through the hatch into the other bar. Andy here has had a bit of a shock tonight, eh! Andy?'

There's a smile from the rest of the bar and Andy looks up and glares at the rest of the bar who promptly laugh! I get up and go to the serving hatch.
'Oi Mike', I shout and look through the hatch and, instead of Mike, I have a nightmare of a vision. He/she is stood there. The rest of the bar goes quiet with anticipation.
'I think I've got one in luv!' I say in a voice that says ok it's only a new bar maid and I'm not going to let the rest of the bar know that I know that she's a he and I look into the other bar as instructed. Then I turn and say to Steve 'What I'm I looking for then?'
'Nothing' comes the response! I pick up my pint and return to my seat!

Steve looks at me,
'So,' I say and 'It's really nothing is it - so long as she can pull a full pint, who cares?'

Andy chirps up
'Well it does! Which toilet does 'it' use? I don't want 'it' to use the MENS'

The rest of the bar erupts into laughter, Ally sticks her head through
the hatch and says
'What's all the noise in here then? Keep it down as there's a party in the lounge bar.'

More laughter from the back bar and we all look at Ally. She smiles back and it goes all quiet again till Bill on the other side of the room says
'I'ed swap her for my missus any day of the week.'

You could hear a pin drop and everyone gives Bill that strange look that only a man can give another man when he's in all male company and your thinking that very thought! Only you don't admit to thinking it yet alone saying it! To quantify his public quote Bill says
'She can pull a good pint and her ham bap's are the best I've tasted'

The bar erupts back into a big snigger.
'No double-entendre there then Bill?' I said! More laughter from the bar! Mike appears at the hatch.
'WILL YOU LOT SHUT UP' he shouts and the bar in unison
goes 'oooooooooOOOOOOOOOoooooooo', waves imaginary handbag's and then goes quiet!

'Hey Andy what's all this about 'toilets' then?'

Steve answers me with the biggest grin on anyone's face I have had the pleasure of looking at in a long while:
'Well, it's the fact that young Andrew here tried to chat up Ally (the rest of the bar sniggers and waves imaginary handbag's at Andy). Andy's response was to stuck two fingers up at the rest of the bar and mouth something to the bar (more sniggers from the bar). Oh we tried to tell him of course (more sniggers) then, when he found out that Ally... well let's just say still has a middle stump¹), threw a wobbly, caught his breath, started to choke then ran out into the toilet because he
felt sick. So the next bit comes as a real shock for young Andrew! So our new first aider, thinking that something was really wrong with our Andy, as he ran in the toilet really quick, followed him out, there to administer the first aid (more sniggers from the bar). Then the best bit ever, we could hear all what went on in the toilet. Young Andy defended his honour gallantly but, alas, got his left cheek in the way of a right cross thrown by first aider Ally!

Now at this point Andy chips in with the priceless comment, 'the floor was wet, that's why I was slipped on my a**!'

The pub bar erupts into 'rolling on the floor laughter' and Mike appears at the serving hatch.
'WILL YOU LOT KEEP IT DOWN, OR I'LL SHUT THE BL**Y BAR, THIS IS THE
FINAL TIME I TELL YOU LOT!'

The bar settles down. Christ, I thought, what's got into Mike tonight? Well all of us really! 'Well I'm getting another beer. Dave, Andy?' I wave an empty glass at them, they both nod and I make my way to
the bar, past my dogs (GOD BLESS'UM) who were having a tickle from Bill.
'Fancy one Bill?'
'Ok I'll have a cider' he says! I lean on the little bit of the bar in the serving hatch and ring the bell. Ally appears and I order
the round.
'Have one yourself' I add. She says
'Thanks, a fruit juice I think.'

I walk back to the table with the drinks. Andy looks at me and with some venom asks me why I bought 'it' a drink.
'It's none of your business who I buy a drink for' I respond.
'Well I think, I just might make it my business and stuff your drink!' says Andy.

It's funny just how an atmosphere can change so quickly. The bar went into a hush, waiting for my response to the threat posed by Andy. They didn't have to wait long and it wasn't responded to by me, it was Andy's missus!
'You home, I want a word with you Andrew, NOW!' she said to Andy, who was having none of it and starts a heated discussion with his missus. He was doing quite well, too, until he opened his mouth and that's where his argument fell down. As his missus pointed out very well:
'If everyone minded there own, life would be a lot easer and the fact that someone wants to be a or needs to be a different sex to what they are born, good luck to them - or if their gay! I just can't stand the thought of someone being as unhappy as I have been over the years! I just hope they don't have the misfortune to get involved with an IDIOT like you. Also, your dinner is on the kitchen wall and I'm leaving you!'

We were all sort of shell shocked. A different sort of 'Outing' there then I thought!

We are all watching Andy's missus - well you would - so nobody sees Mike at the serving hatch with Ally. The bar is quietly enjoying the argument and wishing it never happens to them, when Mike says
'Right, home now the lot of you. I'm shutting this bar. I've told you lot about the noise all night and you still can't keep it down! Andy you're barred from this pub!'
'But I only got the 'Rose' Left now' he says.
'Well that should tell you something, then!'

I get up and take my glass to the bar counter, say 'night' to Mike and Ally, the dogs (GOD BLESS'UM) are ready for the walk home. The night air is warm and cold all at the same time and there's hardly a moon. Good lamping night I thought! I'll get the lamp. I shout to Dave
'Oi Fancy coming Lamping, Dave?'
'Yeah. Wait till I get me dogs' is Dave's response! Ahh rabbit pie! I thought, can't wait!

Jack Russ

The Rev Jacks Diary Archive

The Rev Jack Russell

08.07.04 Front Page

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