I'm helping the better half repair the hanging flower baskets that's been damaged in the past week. We have to put these baskets up each year as the village goes in to this competition 'The best village in bloom' and fails to even get mentioned, so I like this competition a lot! Then disaster, we get a knock at the garage door, stood in the doorway is one of the flower committee, Mrs Hyde-White, a nice person but looking quite flustered and she's clutching a letter!

'And you take?' I look at the sugar bowl and then back to Mrs HW
'Just the one' comes the reply and the conversation starts, with Mrs HW.

'We've been short-listed and we have some of the judges coming back to have another look at the village and half of the village flowers have been blown to bits!'
'I know' I said. She continued
'I can't get the bedding plants to replace the ones that have been damaged in the village.'

Ahh Good, I thought. Now we if could only get rid of the ice cream seller in the car park or at least get him to clear up, that would be nice. Also just where I could poke a raspberry mivvie, making it difficult for him to retrieve it, even when it's melted? I was brought back from this day dream by my missus, asking a simple question.
'Which garden centre did you get these flowers from?'
Caught unaware I responded with the stock standby answer 'Can't remember'

I smiled, she didn't!

We arrive at the garden center with Mrs HW as she has the committee's check book and pen. They head off in the direction of the bedding plants, I head off in the direction of the fish. Now I like looking at the fish, really graceful creatures, but they take a lot of looking after. So, after a nice hour watching some nice koi carp, I meet up with the misses and Mrs HW loaded up with flowers and other stuff. So far so good - all is going well. We pack the car and head off back home. So the rest of the afternoon is spent finishing off these hanging baskets and talking about the fact we have been 'short listed for the competition.' I'm playing the game.

This is how Friday expired! Now we have had an empty house next door to us for around 6 months. The couple who lived there went to France to live and, it transpires, they have sold it and we're to have new neighbours. So it wasn't a surprise to wake up on Saturday to find a large lorry parked outside our house, blocking the garage doors and several tourist busses trying to get passed it. I go down to the kitchen, put the kettle on and let the dogs (GOD BLESS'UM) out into the back garden! Not even ten minutes pass when I hear a scream coming from the garden. Not the usual one, but a strange one - a new one from the new ones next door!

Massey comes running into the kitchen with the biggest smile on her face (if a dog could smile) and then legs it back out into the garden. I follow her. Ferguson has trapped the next door's kid in my shed, his mother was screaming and shouting at me to call my dogs (GOD BLESS'UM) off. I do and wander over to the mother and ask why her son (15 years) is in my garden shed, upsetting my dogs (GOD BLESS'UM) and on my Saturday morning. Also if she could be so kind to ask the removal men to move their lorry as I wish to get my hanging flower baskets out of my garage and hang them on my wall.
'So they're that big are they?' she says
'Yes they are that BIG!' I said, the cheeky C*W! I retrieve the boy out of my shed. On handing him back to his mother I ask if this is going to be a regular occurance. I'm told it's not and just keep my dogs (GOD BLESS'UM) under control. So we start out as we mean to go on then! It's my fault that the boy was in my garden and chased into my garden shed by my dogs (GOD BLESS'UM) who were just doing their job. Of course it is. I return to the kitchen. Breakfast is ready. My missus and I talk about what's just happened then the conversation turns to the village competition!

So we hang the baskets and take the dogs (GOD BLESS'UM) for a walk. We come back through the car park.
'I don't half fancy an ice cream' she says
'Ok' I says and I stand in line to buy this ice cream.
'May I have two 99's please - one with strawberry stuff on it?' (I'm after brownie points, thats for the missus).
'That's £3.50' comes the reply.
'For what?' I ask.
'Those 2 ice creams and the strawberry stuff on one of them' he says.

I pay the money and we sit to eat the ice creams, watching the tourists wander around the village taking pictures and pointing at things and say stuff like 'Aren't the people who live here, lucky!' And 'I wish we could live here, in this village it's so peaceful and quiet.' I was thinking, just how long before you get tired of see tourists looking up your letter box and not being able to get in or out of the village during the summer months. The ice cream man shouts at me,
'Oi mate, you live in the end house, don't you?'
'Why?'
'Well someone's just nicked your hanging basket's. I can see them taking them off the side of your house now! They're stood on the top of a white van. I'll call the police!' he said.
'Cheers mate' I said and left my missus holding the dogs (GOD BLESS'UM).

Running up the road I could just see this person on top of the removal van removing the baskets. I slow down as I realise that they are removing the baskets so they can move the van out! In the heat of the moment I forget about the police being called and I carry on up the road to my house.
'Don't worry mate were not nicking them' said the bloke on top of the van.

I respond with a nervous giggle and we both laugh. My missus arrives and looks a bit embarrassed too, so we invited them in for a cuppa and I still forget about the police. In my defense it could have been the fact that I didn't call them. The removal van men leave after helping to put the baskets back up. Still no police! So, around 3 hours after the police have been phoned to report a theft, we get a knock at the door which, in itself, was a surprise as we have a bell. But anyway, stood in the doorway is 6'2" of Gloucestershire's finest!

'Is this number 17?' he said
'Yes' I said.
'Good! Hanging baskets being nicked?' he said.
'Well, sort of' I said and carried on for a bit explaining just how and what.
'I'll stop you there, then! We went next door because they haven't got any hanging baskets. We thought they was the nicked ones...' (lots of police comic laughter and I join in - it felt uncomfortable!) '... but they sent us here and everything is ok.'
'Yes.'
'Right then, sir. I'll be off' he said 'Oh, before I forget, is that your car in road outside?'
'Which one?' I say.
'The one with the bald tyres and the out of date road fund tax disc?'

We both go and look at the car.
'Nope, not mine' I say.

Someone looks out from behind a curtain. The new bloke comes out from next door. We all look at the car and next door says
'It's mine and I just put it there because we just moved in and I needed to be able run stuff through the garage, so we could get things in to the back room, because they're too big to go through the front door.' (all this was said in one breath)
'Ok, sir. Just get it moved, now!'

We watch the police car leave the village. I looked at next door and he looked at me and said
'That's the first time ever I had some luck like that. It's always been nicked for something, never got away with it before, WOW'
So, after introducing myself and finding out his name was Pete, I said
'See that house over there? It belongs to the ex chief constable and he was watching. So, after taking 3 hours to arrive and then to go to the wrong house, I think your hiccup is safe! Fancy a cuppa?'
'Yeah, and sorry about my boy this morning. Such a Pr*t! Follows after his mother you know. Where can I get some of those baskets? We had a visit from a Mrs Hyde-White and were short listed for something or other but we're new to this sort of thing.' he said.

It's all just ice cream I thought!

The Rev Jack

The Rev Jacks Diary Archive

The Rev Jack Russell

01.07.04 Front Page

Back Issue Page