h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

During the reign of Henry VIII, it seems likely that if you weren't married to him, you were probably called Thomas and would meet with an unpleasant finale.

1. Cardinal Thomas Wolsey (c.1473-1530), founder of Cardinal College, Oxford (Christchurch) was one of Henry's cleverest servants. He was created Cardinal and Lord Chancellor by the King in 1515, and as a statesman, had a mandate to guide English domestic and foreign policy. But in 1529 he fell foul of his monarch when (as Henry's agent) his efforts to convince the Pope to declare the marriage to Catherine (of Aragon) were unsuccessful. Henry, naturally, blamed Wolsey and the latter who'd previously (in 1516) gifted his newly-built Hampton Court Palace to his King now found himself deprived of all posts and possessions. He died in disgrace not long after.

2. Henry's desire to rid himself of the Aragon girl was partly fuelled by his desire for a dishy young courtier, Anne Boleyn. In 1533, compliant monarchist and churchman, Thomas Cranmer (1489-1556) was made Archbishop of Canterbury, and he promptly anulled the Aragon marriage and deemed valid and legal the marriage to Boleyn. Cranmer's reign as Archbishop lasted until 1556 when he was condemned by Mary I as traitor and heretic, for which he burned at the stake.

3. Meanwhile. Ireland at this time was being ruled out of Dublin by a Lord Deputy, appointed by the English monarch who himself held the title King of Ireland. In 1533, during the reign of Henry VIII, the Lord Deputy, Fitzgerald, Earl of Kildare was summoned to London and locked up in chokey, in the Tower accused of treason. His son, "silken Thomas", then took up the mantel of Lord Deputy until he heard rumour that his father had been beheaded, whereupon he declared that "I am none of Henry's Deputy, I am his foe!" Henry VIII clearly wasn't going to tolerate any of this revolutionary talk, crushed the rebellion that Thomas Fitzgerald had precipitated with his outburst and then beheaded Thomas and his male relatives.

4. Statesman and scholar, Sir Thomas More (1478-1535) succeeded the disgraced Wolsey as Lord Chancellor in 1529 but in 1534 found himself quite literally heading for the chopping block for having refused to acknowledge Henry as head of the Church.

5. Anne Boleyn was beheaded in 1536, apparently for having adulterous liaisons, and was replaced in Henry's bed by noblewoman Jane Seymour. Henry's luck was out again, as Seymour died in 1537 shortly after giving birth to a long-awaited crown-prince, Edward. After her death, one Thomas Cromwell (c.1485-1540), erstwhile assistant to Wolsey, who he had then replaced as Henry's closest advisor, helped the King to draft anti-Papal laws and organise the dissolution of the monastries. However, Cromwell got the blame for suggesting and negotiating Henry's disastrous fourth marriage, to Anne of Cleves, and Cromwell was promptly beheaded for treason. Cleves, meanwhile, was sent packing.

6. Catherine Howard, no. five, was, like Boleyn, a babe. And like Boleyn she got beheaded for alleged extra-nuptial activity. The sixth and final wife of Henry, Catherine Parr was a capable and kind-hearted north-country widow, and she doted on the ailing monarch, eventually, when he died in 1547, outliving him. Parr, having seen out two husbands, then married Lord Thomas Seymour (of Sudeley) who himself got beheaded for treason in 1549.

It really wasn't a good time to be calling yourself Thomas.

In fact, Henry was Parr's third hubby. So Seymour, was her fourth.

Excellent stuff, Montague! Cheers!

Paul

Then there was Sir Thomas White who wanted Henry to found a school in Coventry. Henry - notably parsimonious - refused. White then had a bet with The King, whilst they were out hunting, that he could hit a stag that appeared with a thrown arrow before it ran off. Henry agreed. Sir Thomas hit the deer with his third arrow and the school was founded, King Henry VIII School Coventry. The feat is reflected in the school badge, and Sir Thomas is remembered in one of the 5 school houses. (Kings, Whites, Hales, Hollands, Sherwyns.) A statue of Sir Thomas still stands on Greyfriars Green, near the city centre.

Its first head master was Thomas Hale.

So, not all bad news for Thomas's in Henry's reign.