Mu Beta Does (For) Eurovision - 2004
Created | Updated Jun 1, 2008
Mu Beta writes LIVE from in front of his TV
7:59pm Here I sit, beer at the ready, a browser window open on askh2g2's Eurovision conversation thread (with the dubious company of Croz and SpinksSecret at the other end), the horrid memories of Jemini still in my mind, and with Odo studiously ignoring me from behind a book. Exciting, innit?
8:02 I didn't realise Faye from ex Abba-likes, Steps, was Turkish. Her mother appears to be the reigning champion and singing the opening - introductory - number. Seeing a 50-year-old belly-dance is really not the way I'd hoped to digest my dinner.
8:05 Faye's mum is starting to get a bit scary now...
8:07 Terry is suitably rude about the hosts. Unsurprising, given that they look like Frankenstein and Bride Of...
8:10
Spain Young man sounds like Ricky Martin (no surprise there) and stands like he is in the final straits of constipation. Under-clad young ladies take away first his guitar, then his microphone stand. I being to wonder how much stage equipment he'll be left with. What originally appeared to be another young beauty turns out, upon closer examination to be a 40-year old male timbale player. He really should know better. It's not a bad song, if scarcely original and the band seem to be unusually well-dressed. A good mood-setter. 
8:14Austria Imagine Busted, devoid of whatever remnants of charm they had once possessed. Give them all Michael Schumacher's jaw, terrible grins and a song that was obviously written by Tim Rice. With, of course, the cheesy modulation at the end. The words 'Keine Punkte' are ringing in my ears. I enjoyed Austria's entry last year, sung by a chappie in Lederhosen and a bunch of stuffed animals. It would appear that they've gone all serious on us.
8:18Norway Anyone with a promising name like Knut Anders Sorum should be worth his money. In true Eurovision fashion he is wearing a metallic suit and a string vest. And he appears to be singing a Des'Ree song. It really doesn't get any more naff than this.
8:22France Odo cheers as the stilt walker in pastelly dress wiggles her bottom at the camera (no mean feat when you're on stilts, apparently). The singer looks French, sings in French but is apparently English. This is obviously payback for Chirac's position on Iraq.
8:26(Yes, the 4-minute scheduling is really strict!) Serbia & Montenegro A rather pleasant start on a flute suggests that Serbia haven't got the hang of Eurovision songwriting yet. Although the chap singing looks like George Clooney's idiot younger brother, it is a particularly pleasant song. Another thing Serbia will get the hang of in time is Father Ted-esque Euro-avoidance.
8:29(Damn! No it isn't!) Malta The excellent Eurovision title of 'On Again Off Again' is particularly promising. And the female lead, with her cheeky winks and grins to camera is clearly a natural. The greaseball she's partnering thinks he's the godson of Caruso and the silly armswinging dancing and faux-operatics make this by far the best song so far. Won't stand a chance of winning, mind you. 
8:33Netherlands Written by a couple of Dykes, from what I can make out of Terry's increasingly drunken brogue. Holland's answer to Crowded House are fairly inoffensive (although one of them is very, VERY orange) and have a backing band in straight zoot-suits which makes them look like the bouncers who got lost. 
8:37Germany As Terry says, surprisingly sophisticated. Some very nice acoustic jazz makes up for the fact that the lead singer looks like Phil Collins. I hate to say it, but this is a strong candidate for a winner. That's assuming the people at home have any taste, mind you. 
8:41Albania Euro first-timer is described by Terry as a 'saucy baggage', which doesn't excuse the fact that she is dressed like Wednesday Addams. She's singing a second rate Gloria Estefan poppy number with the haunting refrain of 'You Make Me Feel...', and her dancing's not up to much, frankly. 
8:44Ukraine Ukraine entered Eurovision last year with a spectacularly odd number in good tradition, and Terry builds this one up big time as a successor. A group of leather clad barbarians gyrate crazily behind a nice lassie with a few tattoos and a powerful pair of lungs. Odo describes it as 'hairy Riverdance' which as good as anything I've thought of. It's mightily hypnotic, though - I think I shall have to go and lie down. 
8:48Croatia A poor power-ballad with not much charm at all. I seem to remember Croatia usually do something like this. Please make them stop. 
8:52Bosnia-Herzegovina 'In The Disco' sounds like a highly promising title. String vests are in this year, I see. The chap, despite sounding vaguely like Duran Duran does too much hip-gyrating to be convincing and has a haircut that looks like a mullet which is lacking the courage of it's convictions. 
8:56 Oh good, the hosts are coming back. 
8:59Belgium Blimey! This is a bit racy for Belgium. Very Mediterranean-Euro-dance-sounding, with some decent gyrations from the dancers, and sung by a lass who bears more than a passing resemblence to h2g2's very own Vip. Unfortunately, unlike Vip, it's dull as ditchwater. 
9:03Russia Top marks to the dancers, who look like a mutant cross between the London Boys and the Teletubbies. The singer looks like a failed candidate for 'Celebrity' Stars In Their Eyes (I haven't recognised any of the so-called celebrities on that programme for years), but is more than cute enough to get away with her iffy singing. 
9:06Macedonia A convincing cross between naff pop and a gay porn video. I suspect these chaps might work for George Michael. The lead singer has either styled himself on George or Obi-Wan Kenobi, I can't decide which. The backing dancers, who have been disappointingly subdued all night, look more like furniture movers than seductive chair-dancers. It's difficult to know what to say about this one. 
9:10Greece Aha! Euro-stripping! Greasy man in frayed jeans rips some severe suits off some lovely wriggly ladies. Who cares what the song's like, when the performance is of Spearmint Rhino standard. 
9:14Iceland I bet it's too cold in Iceland to take many clothes off. Thankfully. This chap appears to be a religious musical vigilante, somewhere between Michael Ball and Billy Graham. He should stop. (2 minutes later) NO! NO! NO! PLEASE STOP! NO! 
9:18Ireland Ireland is usually pretty dependable for a naff crowd pleaser. For about the third year running it has been written by a member of Westlife. It's a halfway decent tune, with a typically strong vocalist, but carefully not good enough to win. Surprising, that. 
9:22Poland A gentleman who looks like Lemmy from Motorhead has stolen David Bowie's trousers. He fortunately shuts up quickly and the lead is taken over by a Blue Peter presenter-type who flirts mercislessly with the brass section. My word, that chap's got a big horn... ... ... Ahem! The song itself is one of those annoyingly catchy two-note riffs, which I will probably be humming all night, with Lemmy wailing in the background. 
9:26UK Young James-the-Fame-Academy-reject looks as boring as ever. He sings a damn sight better than Jemini, but he can't really showboat the crowds. It's looking like a far cry from Bucks Fizz or Katrina and her Waves. 
9:29Cyprus A pleasing piano ballad, a little more complex than the ordinary, from a pleasing young lady. It gets cheered enthusiastically by the Turks (I wonder why...), but I don't care. This is one of the songs that makes you feel pleasingly warm inside. Or maybe that's the beer. 
9:34Turkey Well I never. Ska music is something I thought I'd never hear at Eurovision! As Estonia's 'Eighties Coming Back' was the cult favourite of last year's Eurovision, this is surely the musician's pick this year. OK, the singer's terrible. but the backing band are playing guitars and trombones and wearing silly hats. What more could you want? 
9:37Romania A Transylvanian temptress indeed. She can't sing, but she's got a mullet, very few clothes, and sounds a bit like Christina Aguilera, which is bound to garner a few votes. 
9:41Sweden Terry's best quote of the night, while translating lyrics: '"It hurts, it hurts, so much in the middle of the night." That'll be indigestion, then.' I don't think I'll surprise any readers by revealing that this song sounds like Abba. 
9:45 The hosts return. I take stock and make my bold prediction, based on musical merit and entertainment value (silly concept, I know):
12 Germany
10 Turkey
8 Cyprus
7 Poland
6 Serbia
5 Ukraine
4 Spain
3 Holland
2 Malta
1 Greece
And nul points to Iceland.
9:51 The interval act. Time to top up my drink...
9:58 **returns for drink topping-up** Still the halftime show. And apparently Turkey have Riverdance too (SpinksSecret: "I was expecting Max Wall to walk on then"). 
10:01 Singer interviews start. My word, it seems like a long time until 11:10, the officially-designated finish.
10:05 Voting from all 36 countries starts with Andorra. This is going to take yonks... 
10:07 The Albanian host looks like an MP who's wandered into the wrong studio.
10:12 The Eastern-European block (Bloc?) voting is drawing heavy sarcasm from Terry and, frankly, it looks like it might sway the whole thing.
10:13 The UK get awarded 1 point from Belarus - our first in nearly two years. Cue the celebrations.
10:20 Cyprus award Greece 12 points, with maybe a faint touch of irony. What a surprise!
10:21 Germany award Turkey 12 points. Here we go again.
10:33 Guess where the Greek vote went?
10:38 We're pinning all our hopes on Norway. Yet again, they currently have no points.
10:54 It looks like the Hairy Riverdancers are going to win it.
11:00 The Swedish host, heavy on sarcasm, says "We love this competition so much, it hurts". But they do get Norway off the ground with 3 points. So, no zeroes this year, I'm afraid.
11:01 The Slovenian host shows off his knowledge of Turkish by saying "sheesh kebab". 
11:05 And it's all over! The leather-clad Ukranians have won, with the melodic Serbians in a well-deserved second, and the stripping Greeks in 3rd. The crazy-ska Turks and the nice Cyprus lass (actually from Kent) followed up. Ireland had one of their worst ever finishes, garnering 8 points from the UK and little else. James Fox got a handful of points from here and there and scraped up to mid-table.
11:10 Last year's winner gets her stiletto caught in the grating while coming on to present Ukraine with their prize, hence providing the evening's most entertaining moment.
The overall standard of entries, I feel, is increasing, although there was nothing to match last year's wonderfully punk-poppy 'Eighties Coming Back'. Germany's song showed a brave, new and refreshing direction, but tradition was also upheld by the likes of Malta, and of course Spain, Sweden and Ireland, the three of whom always do the same song.
Terry's performance this year was definitely up on last year, although I did feel he was to blame for neglecting Serbia's excellent entry and his consequent sarcasm during the voting. Still, you know he'll be back for Euro 2005. From Kiev, I presume.
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