Hot Property
Created | Updated Mar 4, 2004
INFERNAL HOLDINGS
Proudly Announce a New and Exciting Enterprise!
Inspired in Equal Measure by :
The Ideas of Mr Dante of Ravenna
and
The Need to Reduce the General Prison Population...
We are Building a
NEW CONCEPT
Corrective Housing Estate!
All the Homes within it incorporate Features Designed to Improve the Occupants!!!
Purchasing a New Home has been Purgatory before - but...
...Now it's the Purgatory You Deserve!!!The complex will consist of nine concentric circles, in deference to Mr Dante's far-sighted specification.
The upper six Circles will be occupied by those whose sins hurt only themselves. (You're probably such a misguided soul yourself. Why not take a look at these bijou maisonettes, perfectly attuned to your excess of capital and deficit of taste?)
Alternatively, you might be a Seasoned Sinner, in which case you'll be looking for opulence to match your appetite! The Middle Circle (the Seventh) celebrates the first group whose whose sins harm others. Applicants must be able to demonstrate that their sins were committed in ignorance (blind contempt for the rest of humanity permissible in certain circumstances).
The Nether-Circles are for Serious Sinners who hurt others wilfully. There's a warm fire for you to come home to in the Eighth, provided that your sins are committed in hot blood. The exclusive Ninth Circle is for those who specialise in Malice of Forethought. By the time you get this deep, you'll be paying for it Big-Time, of course - but what the Hell...You deserve it!
Below (where else?) you'll find some selected home-plans to give you the idea. And why not enter our Prize Competition! Researchers are invited to submit their own plans for dwellings in any of the Circles (customised homes for specially-deserving communities/professions/characters are particularly welcomed). Your plans will be added to our catalogue, and all contributors are entitled to Free Partnership of the Firm, and Life Membership of BIVA (Bogus Institute of Virtual Architects). Plus there'll be a Fabulous Prize for the Best Suggestion of a Name for the New Estate!
Architects : Pinniped, Fred Smith, Sprout and Co.
EXAMPLE SPECIFICATIONS
| 1. | Location : | First Circle |
|---|---|---|
| Owner Category : | Bit of a Pillock | |
| Typical Misfeasance : | Talking Loudly in Cinemas | |
| House Features : | Volume Setting of TV Inexplicably Drifts Downwards | |
| Decomposing Corn-Snacks Manifest Themselves Inside Soft Furniture |
| 2. | Location : | Second Circle |
|---|---|---|
| Owner Category : | Do-Gooder | |
| Typical Misfeasance : | Advocating Neighbourhood Watch Scheme | |
| House Features : | Car Alarm/Burglar Alarm/Smoke Alarm All Go Off Intermittently Without Apparent Cause | |
| Garden Gnomes Spontaneously Decapitated |
| 3. | Location : | Third Circle |
|---|---|---|
| Owner Category : | Bloody Nuisance | |
| Typical Misfeasance : | Peeking at Sun-bathing Neighbours | |
| House Features : | Conifers Surrounding Garden Grow a Foot Per Week | |
| Magazines Delivered With Pages Already Stuck Together |
| 3a. | Location : | Third Circle |
|---|---|---|
| Owner Category : | Miser | |
| Typical Misfeasance : | Failing Consistently to get a Round In down the Pub (hasn't put a penny in a collection box since Live Aid) | |
| House Features : | Sofa is Sloped at an Angle that Ensures all Change in Pockets finishes in its Innards, from Whence it is Irretrievable | |
| All Bills that arrive at the House Inexplicably come with an extra Zero on the end | ||
| Socks develop Holes after being Worn Once |
| 4. | Location : | Fourth Circle |
|---|---|---|
| Owner Category : | Social Delinquent | |
| Typical Misfeasance : | Believing What's Printed in the Daily Mail | |
| House Features : | Cars Parked on Drive Age at Three Times the Rate of Normal Passage of Time | |
| BBC Radio 4 Perpetually Broadcasts Sycophantic Interviews with Government Ministers (and Radio 2 Only Transmits Decadent Modern Rubbish like the Sex Pistols) |
| 4a. | Location : | Fourth Circle |
|---|---|---|
| Owner Category : | Activist | |
| Typical Misfeasance : | Trolling | |
| House Features : | Any conversation in the house will lead to a fist-fight | |
| Comes with a member of the owner's least-favourite minority, and no internet connection |
| 5. | Location : | Fifth Circle |
|---|---|---|
| Owner Category : | Evangelist | |
| Typical Misfeasance : | Announcing the Second Coming | |
| House Features : | Sound of Trumpets Emanates from Bathroom Fittings | |
| Garden Sporadically Trampled by Rampaging Horsemen |
| 6. | Location : | Sixth Circle |
|---|---|---|
| Owner Category : | Activist | |
| Typical Misfeasance : | Deliberately Engaging in Politics | |
| House Features : | Occupants Treated as Idiots or Ignored Completely Outside of a Two-Week Period Once Every Five Years | |
| Any Child Kissed in the House Instantly Vomits |
| 7. | Location : | Seventh Circle |
|---|---|---|
| Owner Category : | Parasite | |
| Typical Misfeasance : | Building New Housing Estates | |
| House Features : | Kitchen and Bathroom Are Smaller Than They Were Yesterday; Small Children Become Trapped in Gap Between Wall and Skirting Board | |
| Topsoil Disappears in Slight Breeze; Drive Dissolves in Rain |
| 7a. | Location : | Seventh Circle |
|---|---|---|
| Owner Category : | Parasite | |
| Typical Misfeasance : | Practising Journalism1 | |
| House Features : | Paperboy/Milkman/Encyclopaedia Salesmen Found Sleeping on Doorstep | |
| All Forms of Intercourse Taking Place in the House are Broadcast to the Nation |
| 7b. | Location : | Seventh Circle |
|---|---|---|
| Owner Category : | Parasite | |
| Typical Misfeasance : | Purporting to Provide Banking Services | |
| House Features : | Piggy-Banks Turn Nasty on Attempt to Empty Them | |
| Failure to Promptly Return Borrowed Hedge-Trimmers/Cups of Sugar/Overdue Library Books Leads to Repossession |
| 7c. | Location : | Seventh Circle |
|---|---|---|
| Owner Category : | Irritant | |
| Typical Misfeasance : | Driving a Motor Vehicle in an Impolite Manner. Parking in Bus Lanes. Driving to End of Closed Motorway Lanes before Pushing In | |
| House Features : | On hot days, the fridge is Full of Cold Beer but when the Sinner seeks to Obtain a Beverage, a queue appears and lengthens from the front while the Sinner Waits | |
| All Comfortable Seats in front of TV are Covered in Plates or Books while other House Residents have 'just popped to the kitchen/phone' |
| 8. | Location : | Eighth Circle |
|---|---|---|
| Owner Category : | Psycopath | |
| Typical Misfeasance : | Murder | |
| House Features : | Strange Odour Around Patio in Hot Weather | |
| Toothpaste Tastes Faintly of Almonds; Use of Bathroom Products Results in Hair-Loss |
| 9. | Location : | Ninth Circle |
|---|---|---|
| Owner Category : | Predator | |
| Typical Misfeasance : | Working for a Law-Firm | |
| House Features : | Visitors to the House Charge for Engaging in Conversation, or Sue Over Health Risks Resulting from Storage of Food Past its Sell-by Date on the Premises | |
| Front Door Can Only be Opened at Thirty-Year Intervals |
1We protest!... Post Team.
