I have an obscure aunt who regularly studies tea leaves, crystal balls, the stars and other fortune telling flummery. As it is the start of yet another year she has supplied me with her predictions for the next year. She doesn't have a great record for accuracy, but do with these as you will.

Aries ^

This year will consist mostly of Flan Flinging. Should you have an allergy to high velocity baked goods I recommend wearing a stout Balaclava helmet at all times.

Your Mystic Spatula is blue.

Taurus _

You will meet an older American comic this year and be swept off of your feet. Wear a rubber ring at all times to ensure you survive the flood.

Your Mystic Rubber Tree is in Malaya.

Gemini `

Moving away from stout this year will benefit not only yourself, but your friends, neighbours, digestive system and a small boy named Timmy from Fort William.

Your Mystic Highland peak is the Cobbler.

Cancer a

The Giant Crab of Time calls upon your Lobster of Life to aid in the eradication of the Sperm Whale of Depression in the Sea of Lifelong Ballroom Dancing.

Your Mystic Crustacean goes nicely with a Whisky sauce.

Leo b

Did you know that the MGM lion is actually called Leo? No, neither did I.

Your Mystic Movie Studio went bust producing Heaven's Gate.

Virgo c

During the upcoming year I see much unhappiness for you. I would suggest you get that new mattress you have been talking about and stop incubating peas under it.

Your Mystic Legume is the Broad Bean.

Libra d

Your attempt to stage a one man version of the Mousetrap on Broadway will go horribly wrong. You will win an award for Best Use of a Broom in an Agatha Christie Adaptation though.

Your Mystic Detective is M Poirot.

Scorpio e

Writer's Block will be a problem for you this year. May I suggest backing a different horse.

Your Mystic Racecourse is Happy Valley.

Sagittarius f

I am told that Sagittarius has something to do with archery. This leads me to muse upon William Tell, that fine Overture, the Lone Rangers needing to be more sociable and what a fine pint I had last night. ? Sorry, your future? Haven't a clue mate.

Your Mystic Wellington is the left one.

Capricorn g

You are offered a trip of a lifetime on the first manned mission to Mars this year. Don't go! Keep out of the way of Elliot Gould too.

Your Mystic Conspiracy involves a Cheese Flan, the DVLA and the Wombles.

Aquarius h

Your age will still not come to pass this year. Just keep hugging the crystals, it can't be that long to wait.

Your Mystic Age is New.

Pisces i

This year you will turn thirty, run a convention, hit the writer's block wall very early and fret about house decoration. You poor, poor fool.

Your Mystic Utensil is a Lang Spoon.

My Life as a Boozy Oaf
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