h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

The sea is heavily polluted in the Cote D'Azur. There are hundreds of private yachts streaming up and down the coast. They are supposed to dock to empty their sewage and bilge tanks, but they often can't be bothered and go for the cheaper and easier option of emptying them straight into the Mediterranean.

Fungus thrive on this tasty organic mulch. Anyone fool hardy enough to swim in the sea risks catching a fungal skin condition known locally as champignons, literally mushrooms. If you catch champignons your skin pigment is destroyed in large patches, a bit like the condition Vitiligo (which Michael Jackson claims to have). It spreads across your skin until treated. The cure is to paint the afflicted area with a sulphur paste for about a month.

If you are prepared to swim in the sea, regardless of the risk of champignon, don't let the water get into your mouth. If you do, you are almost certainly guaranteed to spend the next two days being sick.

As you can gather the locals don't swim in the sea very often. Nice and Menton are the worst places to swim. The best place to swim is at Cap D'Ail (Headland of Garlic curiously) which is just outside Monaco. Take the road the Moyenne Corniche from Nice. 20 minutes drive.