h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

The mst amazing thing about the great Ozzie BBQ is that it's not.

Sure there's lots of outdoor cookery, beer, burnt meat, men taking over, flies etc but what about the hours spent trying to get the bloody thing to light, the petrol, the singed hair and the smell of same in the blackened lumps of ex-cow you fish out from between the coals at least 3 times before you get to eat them?

The Aussie BBQ is a gas-fired hotplate. It doesn't contain any charcoal. There is no communing with your primitive hunter-gatherer forebears, just suburban guys in thongs standing close to the citronella candles they light to keep the flies away while they play Burger King's.

It's fun. I enjoy it, don't get me wrong. But what I remember as a BBQ is a whole load more fun, and a whole lot less antiseptic.

errrr, while we do have a solely gas fired camping BBQ, our main one does have coals in it. Okay, it's still fired by gass, but the coals are there and they go red.

There is also the great Aussie 20 cent electric Barbie which can be found in most parks. Or you may have coucil nice enough to provide them for free (or maybe they're just too lazy to hire ppl to collect the loose change).

Our BBQ is the traditional one - carcoal in the bottom...although these days we use something slightly more hi-tech which seems to burn better provided you use enough fire-lighters to get them going!

Must admit, we considered gas, but this was heaps cheaper!

And more fun too, I'll wager.

Although I'm a purist I see no harm in using one of those gas burner things to get the charcoal burning, but fake coals that glow red are purely cosmetic. Don't buy them.

PS Did you used to be Irene the Curious?

My parents used to have a BBQ that you had to burn the wood, and got the plate hot, but not too hot. Now that's the BBQ, and not the gas ones, as there is no skill in them

A Guide to The Perfect Barbie (BBQ... honestly!)

(1) Find the barbie plate which has been beside the house somewhere hiding spiders (it will probably be somewhere behind the canoe/tinnie last used in 1993).
(2) Collect four loose bricks or stones. A tendency to fall over at the slightest knock is preferred.
(3) Place plate on bricks/stones at a height guaranteed to cause maximum discomfort whilst cooking. Pay particular attention to the likely trajectory of the plate when the bricks/stones topple, and remember to stand on other side with camera close at hand for when it hits your mate.
(3) Send the kids out for firewood/coals and open first beer as a reward for a job well done.
(4) Open second beer when first mate and his missus turn up. You must be an attentive host, and remember that it is most important that the beer be chilled thoroughly with loose ice in an esky or blow-up kiddies pool. VB preferred.
(5) Start limbering up for cricket, as the host you will be expected to hit at least one over the fence for a 6-and-out.

I fear I may be on the wrong track with this entry… anyone?

No, that sounds about right numbat

Yep, still am at heart, but the title got just a bit to corny for me.

Hmmm, geah, I think you're right. Well too late to edit the article, but I thought I did a pretty good job though.

Sounds about right to me except you should start off with 2 beers (VB at all times for my father in law) one beer is needed to clean the plate when it gets hot!