A Conversation for The Great Australian Bar-B-Que

Important Rituals

Post 1

Fatigue Cracks

How could it go unsaid. It's considered traditional in English barbequing circles that when the barbeque is ready to be cooked upon there is the ceremonial intoning of the opening phrase.

First the intoner clasps a can of beer firmly in one hand strikes a pose that indicates an 'amusing' impression is about to be perpetrated. The adoption of an approximation of an idea of a parody of an australian accent is made. The accent sometimes starts well but always by the end is beginning to show distinct leanings towards being a Welsh, Indian or in extreme cases South African (as heard in Lethal Weapon II) 'funny' accent. At this stage the expression on the speakers voice is trying to indicate firstly that the joke being told is going to be incredibly, unbearably and quite possibly life alteringly funny and that they may wish to hold their sides now to prevent them splitting and major organs falling out.

When they actually speak the voice that comes out is strangely exactly unlike the voice they intended, a sneaking suspicion that all is not well starts to enter their mind.

As the voice continues to degenerate the expression changes to one of panic as the mouth continues to speak in a completely inapprobiate way. An attempt to correct this odd sensation leads to the voice becoming even more strangled and unlike the intended sound.

The intonee's face tries to indicate that contrary to all apearances the mouth is operating completely on its own and that the rest of the body cannot be held responsible for it's actions.

Finally all hope is lost and the the phrase is completed purely out of a sense of duty.

The phrase to be spoken is:-
"Time to throw a few shrimps on the Barbie, mate."

After it is spoken it is traditional for the spectators to throw things as a mark of appreciation.

The intonee must now become very drunk and try and sleep with someone who is not a) his wife and b) has the slightest interest in him possibly because c) she is married to someone else who d) will later threaten to stuff the kebab skewers (e) into an inapprobiate orifice (slot f).

The person at the barbecue will invariably be male this is because:-
1)Man make Fire.
2)Fire is Good.

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Important Rituals

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