h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Has anyone other than me noticed that Fast-food attendants act without emotion? They walk around like androids and are unable to make an original thought of their own. Then there are these huge fat guys who walk around in uniform, usually not doing anything productive except smiling sinisterly like they know something you don't. It all reminds me of Schindler's list, except there isn't anybody killed. Or is there?

I've tried to memorize the faces of regular employees, and have discovered that the only ones who are there the next day are the ones with stars on their badges, but these disappear too after a few days. Where are all these people disappearing to and what do those stars indicate? Where do they get new workers? I think there is a plot or a cover-up in this somewhere.

With Regards

Lord Humphrey 'Thunderguts' Dagenhurt

Here in the states (I can only assume this is universal) IQ tests are administered to make sure the clerks are merely a heartbeat that responds to painful stimuli. Instead of ordering a burger, fries and coke, you must choose an integer from 1 to 8. If you do ask for the individual items, the clerk must frown and translate that into one of the appropriate integers.

This is one area where artificial intelligence could be used.

Actually, scrap that.

Intelligence not required.

Is it also a universal rule that in cities with large tourist numbers, the counter monkeys must be able to speak any language apart from the local one? This shouldn't be a hinderance, as the names of the foodstuffs are the same the world over, but they make it difficult. I'm also sure that some of them can't point in the local language either, though how this can happen, I do not know.

Hi everybody,
here is a little brain - teaser for you. Fast is a period where people don't eat anything, most often for religious reasons. Fast food would therefore be the food you eat when you don't eat food! I think this is the reason why it tastes so bloody awful - the people who cook it are betting on that no one will eat it, them fasting and all, and therefore never actually finding out how vile the taste is!

Tosser

P.s. I know I'm paranoid, but am I paranoid enough?

So what you are saying is that what we are eating when we are consuming fast food is nothing but a figment of our over-active imaginations. Interesting Theory!!!

***special bulletin***

It is now the belief among a certain number of individuals, i.e. ME!, that fast food employees and fast food restaurant managers are sinister vegetables out to conquer the world.
This could explain why they have a hard time showing emotions AND could shed some light on where they are getting the meat.

My theory is as follows. The managers are evil veggies and the disshevelled employees are brainless zombies who in like fashion of The Body Snatchers, have been posessed by evil carrots and whatnots. As soon as the body starts to rebel, it is flung into some type of a machine which basically makes hamburgers which are (if we follow the logic of Tosser) some kind of an illusion.

Why the vegetables from outer space are doing this is anybody's guess, BUT if they are indigenous to Earth, it could mean a revenge. That intelligent vegetables are punishing us for eating their fore-...erm...fatherly vegetables.

Be on the lookout for any funnily shaped vegetables in the future since they might be out to get you!

Lord Humphrey 'Thunderguts' Dagenhurt

So are you just paranoid or are they out to get you?

In my case, I'm not sure.

Oooh, make no mistake, I KNOW someone is after me. I can hear them wispering inside the walls of my house, and only last week I swear I saw someone look at me in a very suspicious manner! I just don't know who it is or why. So the answer to your quiestion is yes they're out to get me - by the way how did you get this address? Who are you? Why are you looking at me in this manner???

In that case, you aren't paranoid. Paranoia is when you -think- someone is out to get you. It's something different when someone -is- out to get you!