h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I was rather disappointed when I read this article. I thought we'd be having a lively discussion about a certain hallucinagenic substance commonly known as grass. Should it be legalised? Is it addictive? However, I suppose that anyone who actually uses the stuff is having too good a time to be bothered joining internet forums.........man.

So, to lawns. I can see two pastimes commonly occuring on lawns that have not been discussed.

1. Sex. Having sex on grass is a wonderful experience. Most people will prefer a relatively private area, and an absence of nettles. Lush green grass is far superior to lino or carpet for this activity, as it all but eliminates friction burns. Insect bites can be a problem though.

2. Sunbathing. This is one of my candidates for Most Stupid Activity Possible. If sunbeds were saucer shaped and Non-Stick people might realise exactly what they're doing to themselves. Does anyone seriously think that cooking a steak to a nice golden brown colour is healthy for the steak? Melanin production is the body's way of saying "Cover up, you idiot!".

There's also the ritual of tea on the lawn (drinking tea whilst on a piece of grass, rather than spreading it round your garden liberally). This is often associated with large houses and posh people as depicted in Merchant Ivory films, but can be easily reproduced in your own garden with a dining chair, a mug of char and an elderly relative to make and fetch fresh brews.
Incidentally, if it is sunny at the time you wish to partake, you must get a parasol/small oak tree/marquee/giant to shelter beneath otherwise you'll be tannin' with your tannin.

In view of this enlightening information, I have decided to give up the practice of cutting turf, rolling it into a joint and lighting it. I did wonder why it never produced the desired effect. I am continuing the treatment from the doctor for a nasty case of soil erosion (heed my warning - it's not pleasant - keeps me up at night...)

I tried telling my next-door neighbours when I was small that the reason they went brown in the sun was because their skin was weak and was burned. My pale, reddening skin was strong and could resist the burning. Toast goes brown when burnt; so does skin. They didn't believe me.
Left long enough, any patch of grass will turn into a patch of extremely long grass with lots of strange, impenetrable things in. Left longer, it will become a forest full of small trees, very big grass and spiky things. This is nature's revenge for being made to look neat and cropped, like Noel Edmonds' beard. I'm sure the grass doesn't like it. Rather than lying on the grass overdosing on vitamin A, people should roll about, do handstands, fall over and generally rejoice in the fact that their body can do all these things. Joints are far more important than the colour of the skin.
Grass underneath trees is the best sort. The trees need the direct sunlight more than we do in order to give us something to breathe.

Tannin' with your tannin? Isn't there a law against puns that bad?

Sex on grass.Much more interesting,both kinds that funny hallucinogenic stuff and the kind people hallucinate about the rate of growth of.Really, if you're not doing it on either you're missing out,the enhanced sensual experience of a good stoned romp canna be beaten,that is if you can hack your partner(s)giggling all the time,or there's the added rhythmic bonus of the lush green grassy lawn(no carpet burns!)with the hidden infant thistle you were sure wasn't there when you started! Maybe this is the origin of the Scottish Emblem?In some areas of that country "cutting his/her grass" means your doing it with their wife/husband.