h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Having read this wonderful piece of enlightening literature on using trees to get dates (other than date palms), I wonder if there are any suggestions floating around the ether as to what one should do in the absence of any trees, specifically on the underground where this evening i had the misfortune of having a near encounter with a most exqusite young lady whom I found most attractive and was most desperate to initiate a conversation with, but found the presence of my fellow travellers quite off putting as if any move I could make would be completely under scrutiny of twenty to thirty people.
What makes this situation more exasperating is the fact that I am sure that she was as eager for me to speak as I was to do so.
If only there were a tree present.
Pleighto.

there's an entry in the guide for chat-up lines and stuff, but basically you have to be strong. I used to be pretty good at this when I was younger, but age has made me more conscious of where I am violating social mores...

What you need is a portable tree. Something small and shrubby, and, if possible, in a pot so it doesn't get soil all over the seats.

You could simply go for the basic talking to the tree method, as described in the guide, or you could try the "Excuse me, would you mind holding my tree while I fasten my shoe lace" tactic. Human's feel obliged to comment upon your tree when passing it back - for instance "What a lovely tree" or "Why do you have a tree with you?". Perfect. Conversation started. Result!

Note 1: Don't use poison trees as a rash is a sure fire way to put of a potential date.

Note 2: When asked "Why do you have a tree with you?" it is advisable to bend the truth, or, just lie blatantly. "I'm taking it to my elderly neighbor who is in hospital" may not be truthful, but it will have a much higher success rate than "I'm actually lugging it around as a tool to pick up women so I can entice them to sleep with me"

Why not? The direct answer does work with some people - remember, honesty is often the best policy and a sound basis for a good relationship!

Or you could try telling them that the tree fancies them, and is too shy to say so!

Just a suggestion, but I remember using the Metro in Washington DC while attending college, and there were plenty of kiosks around with maps and adverts and whatnot all over the train platforms - try re-reading the original topic and inserting the word "kiosk" for "tree", and follow the advise. Should work out great for you (although it never did for me).