h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

My old tight trouser wearing Chinese friend, Sing High, says velvet on reindeer antlers makes a wonderful aphrodisiac

Ah, my toothless freind, Juanita, tells me that it is very dangerous to remove the antlers, while in the possession of a 300lb reindeer

Probably the safest time to remove the antlers is immediately after sex while Rudolf is lying down, contentedly gazing at the sky, and chewing his cud

Or perhaps we can liberally dose him with horizontal lubricant.

Beer goes down, sometimes up, slighty mystified which lubricant goes sideways. Blood is my best guess.

Ah this be the mightiest of all lubricants, beer with a chaser of gin and tonic, which when consumed in copious amounts, manages to grease your vertical stance to one of a horizontal nature

And another thing, all this talk about horizontal lubricants is making me thirsty. I'm off down the pub. The 2 things I have over the Brits right now is that the pubs stay open until 2 in the morning, and the other is its only 11.30 now.
Time to say goodbye to another 42 brain cells, and multiples of that.

Will take advantage of this short break to get my reversible lavatory paper dispenser working better.

Ahhh, that was so much better, is, was that good Elkish. How is the dispenser, has everything dried up and become sploctchy.
Beer has a fascinating aroma, and taste. Coupled with an inate ability to make your brain melt into the bottom of your shoes, wonderful.

Everything working on reversible toilet thingy except owners abilty to win argument with reversible thingy. Thinking of bringing in the reindeers, or elks

Reversable toilet? Couldn't that get messy?

pay attention - reversible toilet paper dispenser - could be as big as the gun firing scarecrow invented in 1913

You should make sure that the spring is not to tight on your reversible toilet roll dispenser, it could cause an awfully lot of painful paper cuts in areas that are best left unmentioned

So why mention them at all?? I mean Really..

Surreptitiously kicks large box of large bandages under computer

Mention what, oh those, well they are hardly worth mentioning are they. Go look in the mirror.

Thinks red is an interesting colour for a bathroom floor

Make sure you are wearing non slip shoes or whoops, your in the shit.
Or perhaps you can syphon it up for the blood bank. Mind you if it were my blood, they'd have to filter out the alcohol first

You have blood in your alcohol system? Cor, you lucky begger. All I have is Tequila

Attaches eftpos machine to reversible toilet roll dispenser, doubles price, accepts credit cards from all banks, including blood, semen