h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

The original editor neglected to mention that mobile phones can only be used on public transport and are solely for the purpose of telling somebody who isn't on a bus that you are, in fact, on a bus. The novelty of someone being on both a bus AND a phone at the same time is so amazing that the person on the other line will instantly feel like promoting/ sleeping with you. Apparently.

But remember that when on public transport and a phone you should yell down the device "Every one is looking at me giggle giggle" and then wait 5 minutes before laughing hysterically and very loudly for no apparent reason.

It's the "I'll be home in two minutes..." phone call. Is it REALLY worth it.
This is particulary annoying on the tube - as soon as the train catches a glimpse of daylight, out come the phones. Do these people have friends/spouses/children/pets that need to be informed of tehir imminent arrival home?

Do these people do the same when they are off to the toilet??

Hey in my last job we had a lot of contact with Chris Eubank (Don't ask) and one day he walked into reception talking away on his mobile phone. He turned to our receptionist and said "Please wait this is a really important call to America" and then chatted away about how he was only prepared to do some promotion if the money was right. This went on for about ten minutes when all of a sudden the phone rang! Everyone in reception just wet their pants with laughter and he looked really annoyed.

I am surprised that there has been no mention of the spivs that thunder down the outside lane of the motorway with one jammed between their jaw and their shoulder. Or the other type that tootle along at 30 miles an hour engrossed in their conversation and blissfully unaware of the 7 mile queue that has built up behind them.
Does anybody agree that these people should have their phones gently removed with a shotgun?

I hate it when they career all over the road as they are talking. Happened to me this morning as I was driving to work. Scared me so much I nearly lost my page.

AS some one who was 2 cms from being run over by some woman in a Range Rover (cos you get a lot of rough terrain in Fulham) on a zebra crossing cos she was yacking on the phone, you get my vote. In fact I might borrow my parents 12 bore shotgun and make a start, if that is ok by you.

Good idea. People in Range Rovers with mobile phones sounds like an excellent place to start, followed by Jeeps, yakomoki rhinos etc - but that sounds like another topic. Just anybody with mobile phones! Does anybody like them???

Well I am ashamed to admit it but I have one. It was given to me for Christmas - but I tend to ignore it and only use it when the car breaks down. I certainly don't like it and I think I have given it a complex.
Mea Culpa! Mea Culpa! I beg for forgiveness and am very penitent.

You do know that they fry your brains dont you? And you do know that if anybody saw you with it they would have to assume that you were a total prat. Take my advice and shoot it now before you go out and get the 4x4 people.

I know they do - cos they give me headaches as does my computer. Ahhh I think I am allergic to my lifestyle. I am not allowed to bring shotguns into work (probably wise) so I am going to put it throught the paper shredder instead.

I have actually seen a bloke carrying on a conversation on his mobile phone while standing at a urinal !

I've heard that there is a new piece of kit that when activated, blocks all mobile phone signals within 300 yards!!!! smart.

The police say that driving on motorways at 70 mph and using a mobile phone can to lead to lack of consentration as a high milage driver and a mobile phone user I have to disagree as i find that high speed and mobile phone use consentrates the mind greatly more so when reading maps and trying to give eta at next call so I can recomend it as a way to stimulate your brain.

I am fascinated by those people who drive and use their mobile phones at the same time, in particular why do they have tohave the phone in their right hand pressed against their LEFT ear-or vice versa. How difficult are they trying to make it.
We had a boss who would instantly interrupt the conversation you were having with him if his phone rang. And despiote it being obvious that the phone conversation was of lesser importance he would never ask them to wait, it was always the human in front of him who had to wait.

What's Public Transport!!!!
It sounds a bit smelly to me?

Why does everyone curse other people with mobile phones as being 'unecassary', 'just an expensive toy' and complain about their annoying ring tones. You too will have a mobile phone, and you too will chose a ring tone which you think to be rather imusing or just quietly cool, and we too shall find it grindingly irritating, and look down at you with contempt when you use it on trains.

amusing, damn done it again.

this is true but I reserve the right to look down my long horsey nose at any one I fancy, and quite a few I don't!