h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

You forgot to mention silver racks of toast.
The toast should be a lovely golden brown,
covered in butter and topped with marmalade...yummy!

However, we are talking about the Great British Breakfast here, in which case the bread should be burnt into a square of charcoal, and served with a dab of butter so small that it melts into oblivion the moment in touches the toast.

The people of N.I. go one further. They don't seem to think there is enough cholestrol in the mainland version, and add an Ulster fry. This is some sort of hybrid, somewhere between being a piece of bacon or a sausage.
And I can't believe you left out fried bread.

Yes of course fried bread as well - both of which are cut into
neat triangles and probably the best part for you - the crust
is cut off...

Big item forgotten here is the great British banger (pork sausage) - the greasy spoon breakfast usualy includes up to 3 of these and also sometimes baked beans - and even chips!

Is it just me or am I the only non-vegetarian englishman to dislike the 'great British breakfast', and in fact prefer a nice bowl of Alpen instead?

Surely the addition of a chip would automatically raise the meal into the realms of a "brunch", the breakfast/lunch invented by Yuppies/Americans in the mid eighties. For the Great British Breakfast (or th GB2 as it should now be known) would have to doused in vinegar, contriversial I know but hey,it's a free world.

No. Although I usually have a "Great English Breakfast" followed by a nice bowl of Alpen, to help things along you understand. Alpen is, after all, nature's broom.

As if by magic, sausages and fried bread are now part of the entry. Can't think why I forgot them in the first place.

Baked beans and chips, though... they're more associated with the "tea" version of the GBB. Besides, the plate's full enough already.

Having seen the great D.Adams on the Big Breakfast this morning having a few problems in locating the best scrambled egg, (obviously I can't say where as advertising isn't allowed), the technique I learned from the Sous Chief of this particular Hotel in Mid-Wales is simple.

Lightly stir together two eggs with a splash of cream and season with sea salt and freash black pepper. Heat a heavy based sauce pan and lob in a nob of butter. As it melt pour in the eggs and stir with a wooden spoon. take the pan off the heat, THIS IS THE IMPORTANT BIT, keep stiring using the heat in the pan to cook the eggs to a porrage consistancy. Whack onto a bit of toast and by the time you get to the table it'll be just about perfect. If your feeling special, a dash of Worster souce makes it!

Ah but didn't the Great Douglas also request info on the worst scrambled eggs...
Simple do none of the previous posting, defined by my Granny as...

Get a saucepan, place on an extremely high heat, crack a few eggs directly into the sauce pan when it has reached earth core temp, stir once or twice, go make a cup of tea (hot and strong). when smoke starts to rise from the pan Hey Presto!, undoubtedly the worst scrambled eggs possible.

I've found that the judicious addition of mushrooms into scrambled eggs while they're cooking can result in an unappetising grey, mucous mixture, which could, in the right circumstances, qualify as the Worst Scrambled Egg Ever.

As a vegetarian with a fondness for the old English Breakfast, perhaps someone could furnish me with suggestions for Vegetarian British Breakfast ingredients? I've yet to find an adequate vegetarian sausage for example, most of the ones I've encountered have been a bit skinny and anaemic.

You could always try making your own sausages. And there is no veggie alternative that can mimic bacon. I tend to go for Quorn sausages, no bacon type thing, a couple of fried eggs, lots of mushrooms and tattie scones. The important thing is grease. Oh and the sausages are the think ones you find in cool compartments rather than the pathetic freezer equivalents.

There used to be a health food shop in King's Lynn that sold fantastic veggie bangers but unfortunately it closed down a number of years ago when Holland and Barret opened up.

Is anyone else getting hungry from reading this forum yet?
I see sausages are now on the menu. But no definition of what a british sausage is. i.e. the ideal amounts of lips, hoof and the ever appetising mechanically extracted meat. This is probably wise, as as soon as we define it, the EU will then be better able to ban it. That is if we choose to believe the jingoistic rhetoric of the type of newspapers which often accompany this meal. Also other than this guide entry, probably the only place you will regularly hear the words great and British in the same sentence.
I don't think the breakfast is complete though without some brown sauce.

I am now incredibly homesick because no one in New Zealand can cook a Great British Breakfast - except maybe my Mum. Used to be my favourite Sunday morning treat down at the local greasy spoon - beam me back up Scotty!!!
And brown sauce is essential - another thing they can't make in the colonies.

Why brown sauce? Someone should invent stripey sauce, like in toothpaste, but without the mint. You could choose whatever flavours you like and experiment.

Much underrated in my opinion is the recent phenomenon of the pub all-day breakfast. It tends to have all the essential ingredients but without the grease normally associated with a caff or 'greasy spoon' breakfast. One such pub which does an excellent breakfast is the Hogshead chain. It comes with two lightly spiced sausages, a couple of rashers of bacon, mushrooms, tomatoes (which I can do without, quite frankly), baked beans, two fried eggs and the piece de resistence - two hash browns. Add to this two rounds of white bread toast and I think this represents excellent value for money at just £3.95. And, of course, being a pub there is always the option of the Saturday morning 'hair-of-the-dog' pint of lager to wash it all down.

You went to the wrong colony! We get brown sauce in Australia and it goes a treat with our Great British Breakfasts (reserved for weekends only in our house).
I must say, that something which is an excellent alternative for Great British Breakfasts is the Great Bacon and Egg Sandwich - as long as it is cooked properly.
1. The bread must be toasted and lightly buttered.
2. The bacon must have the rind removed and not be crunchy.
3. The eggs have to be turned once they are cooked and just before being removed from the pan the egg should be squashed slightly so as to break the yolk. (This ensures that when you bite into the yolk it is not so runny that it runs all over your hands.)
4. The egg is removed from the pan almost immediately after the yolk it broken.
5. The brown sauce is spread over both pieces of toast.
6. Each component of the G.B.E.S. is completed and assembled within approximately fifteen seconds, so that it is piping hot.
7. The G.B.E.S. is accompanied by a strong (but not stewed) cup of piping hot tea, white with half a sugar and followed by two pieces of toast with a selection of jams and another cup of fresh piping hot tea, white with half a sugar.

Expert assessment as to the quality of a G.B.E.S is the number of licks of the fingers required to remove the crumbs, fat, odd drop of egg yolk and smattering of strawberry jam which accues from this gastranomic delight.
Three licks or less or nine licks or more - a great deal more practice required, make me the same for my next meal I'll have to struggle through it for your sake.
Four, five, seven or eight licks - you've just about got it right, a bit more practice and it'll be perfect so make me the same for my next meal I don't mind helping you out.
Six licks, the magical six licks - perfection has been attained, you have reached the apex of G.B.E.S. so make me the same for my next meal to make sure you don't lose your magical touch!

What happened to the lamb chops and kidneys? Love the stripey sauce idea.

"Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam"... all to your favorite tune.