h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Vitamin M is used by the body to justify eating exactly what it likes.
It is found in marzipan, chocolate, pistachio nuts, licorice-allsorts and lots of other good stuff.

Notionally, eating any source of vitamin M increases the desire to eat sources of vitamin M. (ie: they are by their nature 'More-ish')

Anyone else invented their own vitamin?

Vitamin H (%&* see below) is also one those little known, but very important vitamins, which like vitamin D we seem to need more and more of as we get older. Here is an idea of daily consumption requirements for the different age groups:

0-55 years - 200mg
55-70 years - 300mg
70+ - 600mg

There are a number of sources of Vitamin H, all generally accessible (except *).

Grimsby
Fish supper
Boil in the Bag Fish with Butter/Parsley/White Sauce
Fish fingers
Scampi and Chips
Rick Stein* (can be a long waiting list)
Crab sticks (note - do not contain crab)
Cat food.

There are some supposed sources which we should not be fooled by, as they contain no Vitamin H e.g. Scampi Fries (like you get in pubs); Fish cakes from the chip shop etc.

Deficiency of Vitamin H is noticable only by the mass orderings of fish type food products e.g coach parties in Ilfracombe, where by sufferers gather together and pool their resources by some kind of air osmosis, until they can reach a source for said Vitamin H. Vitamin H has no real function other being nice and gentle on the tummy, perhaps comforting, and easily made bland (there is a more prolific use of condiments such as ketchup, salt and vinegar, and even curry sauce by the 0-55 age group). But you just can't do without it, it seems, once you hit 56 years old.

(These findings are based upon empirical evidence which I conducted whilst spending a summer season waitressing in a seaside town. Its nice to meet someone who is also dedicated to the pursuit of new nutrients - all the better for the older generation I say...)


%&* - Vitamin H(addock)- doesn't have to be haddock, just some kind of fish, in the name of environmental friendliness. Perhaps Hoki would be a good substitute

Is this the same vitamin that causes other people's fish and chips to be even more appealing than your own? A strange phenomenon...

Ah! Now, I think that's caused by the Vitamin H complex HEV (Haddock EnVy), which is an integral part of its chemical composition. This can sometimes occur when insufficient quantities of Vitamin H are gained from your own foodstuffs. I believe seagulls suffer from it as well as humans (warnings were issued about covetous seagulls in St Ives a few years back), though I haven't done the stats analysis yet.

Fish is great!

Hmmm.

St.Ives ? I'm going these next month...
What precautions can I take ?

I think the best bet is to take a hard hat, and maybe some kind of tarpaulin to eat your fish and chips under. Watch out if you're taking a dog as well, cos they seem to exacerbate the symptoms of HEV in seagulls.

St Ives is very nice, and the local council are obviously very helpful because they put up warning signs in areas where attacking seagulls are predominant (or at least they used to have them).

I have heard that biting insects (sabre-toothed mosquitos et al.) don't like Vitamin B. Perhaps they just don't like Marmite?

I just wondered whether there was something that could be used to drive off seagulls? I may try some of "Aunt Matilda's Extra-Strong Patent Camel-Repellent", it works on most things!!!