h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Just go the fountain of fair fortune
where you'll find all your remedies.
The best time will be when there's a
with a soft and gentle breeze.

Pour the water into a large goblet
along with a few drops of Felix felicis.
Then take it at the time of the sun set
where you'll find a cache of gold pieces.

This will bring you a great deal of success
for you and all those who are near to you.
It will dramatically decrease all your stress
especially when waiting in a long checkout queue.

Don't take too much of the potion
are you either become drunk or giddy
which will give you a very strange notion
that you can fly like a bird or a bee.

I took a pill to make me smart.
I smarted quite a lot!
I held my hands before the fire
Until they felt quite hot.

Do you know what's my name?
Do you know where I'm from?
Do you know where's the game?
Do you know how to beat a snare drum?

I can't get you out of my mind.
I can't stop thinking about you.
I can't get coffee beans to grind.
I can't find a scenic mountain view.

Forever and ever I will try to endeavour
to sit underneath a tree drinking
deeply contemplating the meaning of 'whatever'
and what would it be like to live by the sea.

I lived by the shore
As ocean levels rose.
My lot became flooded,
And so then I chose

Some land a bit higher.
I settled, and then,
The silly old ocean
Went and rose again!

Sam, Sam, have you seen the ram by the dam?
Sam, Sam, do eat only ham that weighs a 100 kilogram?
Sam, Sam, do you eat yam flavoured cram*?
Sam, Sam, would you like to travel in a tram?

Sam, Sam, let's all go and play on the beach's sand.
Sam, Sam, can you the roar of the waves crashing on the shore?
Sam, Sam, would you like to join the Wyrd Sisters rock band?
Sam, Sam, do you want to have a wood panel kitchen floor?


*Cram a type of bread which is baked to Beorn's secret recipe

I cannot get you out of my head
because I cannot stop thinking about you.
From the first moment I get out of bed
to the time I am waiting in the checkout queue.

Your loving is all that I ever think about
when I am practising yoga or meditation
or when I am having a pint of beer or stout
that causes DNA transformation leading to psionic elevation.

Every night and day when I am at work or at play
filled with awe whenever you are covered in straw.
Just the thought of you teaching me how to crochet
or how to draw a bear's paw or a carpenter's saw.

I am light as a feather when there's fine weather.
So please set me free to go on a long shopping spree
where I will be dressed in heather coloured leather
when I am traveling to the Scottish city of Dundee.

We will cure of your obsession
Before you even know it.
Can't get something out of your mind?
The cure is to stop being a poet.

Wild Thing, you make my heart sing.
Wild Thing, you are my everything.
Wild Thing, you are so cool and hip.
Wild Thing, you sit by the pool eating a potato chip.

I think I am deeply in love with you.
I think I wanna join the rock steady crew.
I think I wanna hold you tight next to me.
I think I wanna life to become free and easy.

Life can never be easy
Whenever I am feeling queasy
Without any doubt
I feel bottomed out.
To rise, I must eat something Greasy.

When you hear the call in Fall
to go on your way to the cafe
which will have an indoor market stall
selling china clay and books on ballet.

Oh Sam, Sam you know where I am
living in the town of Durham.
Come and talk a while
when I am resting at the stile.

This door is always open wide
so come in and play on my slide.
You need a listening ear
and a pint of my home brewed beer.

My name's not Sam, but your invitation
I'd accept with no hesitation,
For you sound like a very fine hostess.
It's Halloween. May I bring a ghostess?

Come along with your female spectre
and I also invite my friend Hector.
They'll be plenty of food and drinks
with mystics forging psychic links
to spirits, poltergeists and ghouls
who were clowns, jesters and court fools.

Jesters and clowns? My kind of crowd,
Whether they're silent or whether they're loud.
We'll bob for apples or cameras or cheese.
Bring on the dips and the sandwiches, please!

Come to the party at the Haunted Fort
where everyone will be in their Halloween disguises.
It is situated next to the harbour fort
where there will be lots of surprises.

So come dressed in your scariest costume
and join in all the fun and the games
involving playing quidditch with magic brooms
and giant dragons that breathe out fierce flames.

Look at Ted dressed in red,
he is dancing next to me
to the music by 'Right Said Fred',
which is setting us free
from the mundane things of this world
such as going on a shopping spree
and only using cream that's been whirled.

You and me, we could be living in the town of Bree
or in the Scottish city of Dundee where there's a wailing banshee.
We could be happy together no matter the weather
even if it's windy making us feel light as a feather.

I think about you all day and night
and it's giving me such sheer delight
to be thinking we could be such a cute couple
when practising complicated yoga that keeps supple.