Our intrepid correspondent, Prof. A. Chaos, once again ventures into the War Zone to bring you the latest news from the battle which threatens the peace of the entire household!

Well listeners, this is the last of the Kitchen Wars saga, time has taken its toll.

The days and hours have accumulated to weeks and months and all traces of the minutes have disappeared. This is a Tuesday and Wednesday report, somewhere mixed in with the other days; they are together in the same week of events though, walking through the minefield of rubble and dust in the main bedroom, the sounds of 'Tubular Bells' was heard and when I stood still to hone in on their direction, they ceased? Was this battle fatigue? Was it shell shock? But over the two day period, 'Tubular Bells' continued to resound around the bedroom, what a time not to have mine detection (could have been a musical mine (secret weapon type thing)). Finally, with the aid of a plumber and an electrician and doing a tri-quarter sounding, it was pinpointed to a place below the floorboards, a position where no work or mines (pipe bombs) had been placed? This now meant more ripping up the battleground – morale sinking another level (and gibbering 'why me?')

Removal of a floorboard revealed two radiator pipes leading to nothing, but NOT fixed down in any way – hence 'Tubular Bells' when walking round the room WHOOPEE! I've NOT cracked up and gone mad (opinions and psychiatric reports could differ). With a little struggle the plumber was able to defuse the situation and after many bends in the pipes were made from round the floorboard opening, the pipes were removed for analysis and found to be part old and err part new? We can only surmise that this was done about 18 years ago when the central heating was first put in and the other ends of the pipes were cut a few weeks ago, when they removed the water tank and immersion heater.

Thursday came, I knew it was a Thursday, as Friday was late, now don't ask which Thursday it was, but I do know it followed a Wednesday for sure and as I evicted myself from bed, a lovely blanket of frost lay on the ground. A short while later, as I drank my morning coffee, there came a knock at the door? Now I’ve never had a knock at the door on its own, so someone must be with it, oh yus! There was - Hello! We've come to fit your front and back door, to which doors promptly removed and a crowbar attack to door jambs. Frost around and gaping holes at front and back of house, absolutely great! Just what was needed?

Moving on, we go with another Tuesday, final electrical check – oh dear! Says the electrician, err what sort of 'oh dear' says I (not many teeth to grit, but started with the ones left) they've NOT fitted an on/off switch for your plinth heater (fan heater on floor, under one of the new kitchen cupboards) AND they've NOT even fitted a 13 amp socket underneath either – I'll see my boss tomorrow, but it looks like your cupboards will have to be ripped out – DÉJÀ VU - morale sinking another level (and gibbering 'why me?' (its got to be me ain't it, boy! My reputation don't come cheap...)) Luckily the plasterer had not completed building the defences up in the back living room (plasterboard and skimming false wall to kitchen) so the electrician/s could reach down behind and install the said plug/socket - phew! Breaths a sigh of brick/plaster dust relief.

Days come and days go intermingling in to other days (I think) tiler comes to fit err tiles! In the bathroom and toilet (after more plaster boarding fitted).We are now in the realms of 7 to 8 weeks and some men, who think they are Generals, tell the tradesmen that 'this' light fitting has to be moved to the centre of the ceiling (approximately 6ins) and various other traps and mines had to be repositioned or altered and this was causing friction as some of the alterations didn't seem to be needed? And I got the impression of the 'puppet' Generals, that they just loved giving out orders. To which after the detachment had vacated the area as a lull came in the evening, the Generals came back and seemed hell bent on reigniting the conflict, as to my surprise they wanted 'that' light fitting moving again as they said it was NOT fitted to where they said, hence forth it had to be moved another 9 inches to a different position from the last two positions. During this period of time while bomb disposal experts (plasterer and electrician) were in the process of removing a pipe bomb that was disguised as an electrical conduit, the plaster it was hidden in, still had some fight in it and it had my full admiration, after all the bombardment the house area has withstood over the weeks, that three quarters of the entire walls plaster was in the process of falling, which held them up while a urgent phone call was made, from which the plaster was to be shored up until another detachment (plasterer) came from the housing department to deal with it – still waiting (now into 9th/10th week of battle)...

This plastering exercise has now grown somewhat, as after reinforcements (Vicki Virago) came from afar (t'other side of the Pennines) to give International Aid (not being from or Yorkshire born) including a much welcomed morale booster and most appreciated assistance in removing wallpaper from all the battle damaged rooms in the house, light shone on the scarred landscape whereas most the walls in all but one room, need some form of reconstructing (plastering) to which the housing department has been instructed to add that on to the task of the detachment (plasterer) still to appear, they have also being informed that 5 to 6 doors do not close correctly due to battle fatigue and require err counselling (a joiner). The initial forces that instigated the conflict are close to a complete withdrawal, but reconstruction work of aesthetic colours to the walls/ceiling and paintwork is on hold, as more battle damage has to be carried out throughout the house and the blitzed panorama will remain for another month or so with more coverings of fine dust. This is an ongoing war of attrition, with months still to endure, many have fallen, but it's the role of a reporter to bring the news from the front has it happens. Each day in this conflict has brought something new, many small items of news about various attacks and defences have slipped through, as I've had to evacuate to rear bunkers and at times had to dig in until things have died down and a truce has been called.

My only warning and advice is: - if a conflict starts in your abode, save as much property as possible and totally evacuate the area – lots of things get whitewashed over after the war, but the scars remain – do not stay! Grown men have been near to tears at the sights seen.

This is your reporter asking for asylum (a mental one ) signing off.

(No need for the men in white coats, I'll come quietly)
If I cut myself – DON'T DARE ASK IF I WANT A PLASTER'er!............

Poetry and Fiction Archive of Professor Animal Chaos

Prof Animal Chaos

14.05.09 Front Page

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