Welcome to the Vice's Advice, the column on h2g2
where the Vice President answers such questions as:

• Why does the Earth Edition of the Hitchhiker's Guide To
  The Galaxy graphics library
  contain no pictures of either Earth or the galaxy, yet has
  three pictures of a box of condoms?¹

As well as answering questions, The Vice's Advice
also is aimed at bringing you, the reader, up to date with
what is going on in President Peregrin's government.

Sleaze

As with any government, Peregrin's presidency has also
aroused some accusations of scandal. So on his behalf I
would like to take this opportunity to explain the current
malicious rumours which are blatantly not true.

We did not win the election because we bribed
anyone. That is simply not true.

I can understand, however, that those who were spreading
these rumours were confused - indeed, it is an easy mistake
to make. But the truth of the matter is that we were not
bribing, merely giving out Christmas presents early.
The fact that those to whom we gave
Christmas presents later voted for us is just a happy
coincidence.

Employment

Most of us on h2g2 have, at some stage or other, managed
to find jobs on h2g2. These include washing up in a Virtual
h2g2 cafe, being a Keeper, Muse or Angel, or merely being a
Minister in President Peregrin's cabinet. Sadly, though,
some people remain unemployed.

Luckily, though, we have a policy of employment to bring
hope, joy and jobs to those who need them. If you
are on h2g2 and do not have a job, or you are looking
for more responsibility, then we recommend that you
enroll as a Lifeguard.

You not only perform a public service by preventing
people from drowning, but you get the added bonus of being
paid, discounts at the Beach Barbecue and the ability to go
around giving mouth-to-mouth resuscitation to the people of
your choice.

So, go ahead - join the lifeguards today!

Education

It has come to our attention that smileys are suffering
from illiteracy and other serious problems showing a
deficit in their educational standards.

"I do not know how to spell "chocolate"." the
smiley sobbed. "all my life I have
had it spelt "choc", and no-one has sought to teach me any
different."

This problem was not unique. The
smiley was found unable to spell "champagne" and the
smiley was unable to spell
"rabbit".

Many smileys did not understand a basic grasp of
grammar; the did not understand
that he was in fact "seeING double", the smiley failed to realise she was corn ON
THE cob, and did not know the
difference between "2" and "too".

Other areas of confusion included astronomy, where the
smiley failed to realise that she
was an inaccurate depiction of Saturn, and cooking,
where is not called a
Christmas Pudding.

One of the main causes of smiley confusion is the
insistence on h2g2 of using British
English, yet this rule not applying to smileys.
Instead of doughnut being spelt the English way, it is
spelt "donut" , the smiley is known as "Santa" which is his
American name, rather than the British "Father
Christmas".

Luckily, under our Presidency, a new system of education
will be introduced to try and help the smileys become
literate and educated members of society.

Foreign Relations

This is the section of the Vice's Advice which
tries to encourage h2g2 Users to learn more about other,
related, Hitchhiker's websites. If you wish to learn more
about Floor 42,
then ask someone on the h2g2 Floor 42
User List.

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