This Entry has been used for a Collaborative Entry on Bullying. Please go there.

Every view of bullying is a personal one, don't believe anything unconditionally, including this one. This one is tinged by general hard-core cynicism - elsewhere you'll be able to find the version with flowers and silver linings, no doubt. Generally I'll be talking about school bullying here, though some things will cross over. If you're actually being bullied, phone the relevant number for your country - they're normally confidential, and they're staffed by experts. As always, post dissenting opinions in the forums....

Overview

Bullying comes in many different forms. Generally, people split bullying into physical and verbal bullying, because if it can be categorised it will fit into a handy helpsheet, and all our problems are solved. In practice, the division is never so clean - it is rare that people will beat a guy/girl up without stopping to shout abuse at them, and even the purest of verbal bullying tends to include accidental trips or pushes. There is no black/white here. You don't have to get a bruise before you can claim to be bullied physically, nor does someone have to call you a name before you are being verbally bullied. As far as I'm concerned, if someone is repeatedly doing things to you that you do not like, and they know that you do not like it, then it is bullying, or worse. Some people also talk about psychological bullying, where the bullied person is made to feel excluded, or vulnerable, but no words or actions are taken. I'll cover the various types of bullying further down.

Language

In the adult world Bullying is called "Harrasment", and there are about 1500 different rules making it illegal, especially if it has it's roots in sexist, racist, or agist attitudes. Harrasing someone because they're incompetent, or just plain ugly, is more socially acceptable, provided the incompetence or ugliness is not caused by some medical problem, of course. Amongst young people, or when the speaker is trying to make it sound less serious, it's called Bullying, which sounds cuter, and brings images of "Tom Brown's School Days" type books. If you want to make it sound much more serious, try "abuse", which immediately gets the listener thinking of GBH and Rape, and which will make them take you seriously. Other terms/phrases to watch out for include respect¹, and cheeky².

Causes

There are standard comments here, which may or may not be true. First: 'Bullies are often very insecure inside.' So in order to hide their deepseated insecurity, they beat people up, etc, etc. As opposed to all the other insecure people you know, who are shy, and get bullied. Perhaps it would be more true to say that bullies were insecure, but now that they are respected and feared by everyone else, are likely to be distinctly more secure than the average school-goer.

Second: 'Bullies were probably bullied themselves, and therefore think it's fair.' Also true, in my experience, but don't think that this makes it inevitable that it has to be perpetuated - I've seen bullying been reduced by a factor of 5 over the time I've taken to pass through a school, and heard complaints from older kids at another that "There isn't as much respect as there used to be".

Third: 'Bullies are cowardly, and bully because they're afraid of a fair fight.' At this stage the advisee is no doubt crying rivers for those poor misunderstood bullies, and remembering them in their prayers. Or more likely, getting a little irritated, and wondering on who's side the adviser is actually on. Regardless of which, bullies aren't cowardly, they're just not stupid. If you have a choice between beating someone up in a fair fight, or grabbing a metal crowbar, and making it unfair, which are you going to choose?

Fourth: 'They're just jealous.' Yep, all the bullies are actually masochists, who would love to get bullied, but since they don't, they take it out on the people who do. There is a grain of truth here, because if you're different you'll get bullied, and one of the ways you can be different is to be too intelligent, or too sporty, or whatever. But you'll also get bullied if you're too stupid, or too unsporty, and I find stupidity-envy a silly concept...

Ok, now we move away from the standard answers, and into stuff which hopefully you won't have heard ten times before. First: Alpha Male. In the wild, when groups of animals roam round in packs, there will always be one animal that rises to the top and is in control of the pack. The alpha male gets first pick of the good-looking females, and the best pick of meat. Below him is the next male, and so on down the heirarchy down to the bottom. Bullying is the time-honoured way of establishing what that heirarchy is. Whenever a newcomer arives, they will get bullied until they find their place in the chain, and things settle down again.

Second: power trip. Bullying is just plain fun. You get other people whimpering in front of you begging for mercy, the little things in life seem to happen much more easily, you can always count on someone lending you 20p for the pool machine. Life is good at the top. Extreme bullying happens when power corrupts, which happens just the same way as in politics and Judge Dredd cartoons.

Third: fear of the different. Children are the most risk-averse, conservative, sheepish group of creatures you'll ever be around. Whatever the reason for this, what it means is that if you're at all different from the absolute average, you'll get bullied. Unusual name? Unusual accent? Unusual religion? gay? smoke when everyone else doesn't, or vica versa? Amusing initials? Non-standard haircut? Parents have an unusual job? Odd hobby? Too intelligent? stupid? tall? fat? big feet? The more different you are, the more you'll get bullied. Welcome to the sensitive, tolerant, world of the future.

Fourth: Escalation Theory. Violence is generally avoided, because it is "bad", and because it risks being hurt. Because of this, people usually use lots of tiny escalations trying to achieve whatever the goals are by bluff. A victim of bullying often combines a failure to appropriately match escalations with a stubborn refusal to accede to the opponent's goals. The bully then repeats the small escalations, be they shoves, or name calling, in the hope of eventually achieving their goals - normally something minor, such as acknowledgement of the bullies strength. This can quickly become a routine, which is when bullying proper sets in.

Fifth: What did I do wrong? Some people don't have the parts of their brain that deal with empathy appropriately wired together, and so will never realise that when they break somebody's teeth that the victim isn't really enjoying the experience. Fortunately, these people are rare, but the excuse (ie, "it was just a game") is much more common. Genuine cases can often be dealt with by pointing out the consequences of their actions. Fakers probably actively enjoy someone showing them the fruits if their hard work...

Personal Responses

Some problems can be dealt with in specific ways, but generally you have a few options which apply to all of them. There is a downside, however - they don't always work, and they may make the situation worse. A lot of them don't change the situation, but make you feel better about yourself, and this is always a good thing. There will also be things which are imposed "from above" to attempt to solve the problem. The important thing to remember about these is that they are aiming to solve the school's problem, not your problem. Your problem is getting bullied. The school's problem is knowing that you're getting bullied, and others knowing that you're getting bullied. In some cases, bullying may even be something a school or teacher encourages - the bullied person is a "sacrificial lamb" to try and geteveryone elsel to behave.

First up: 'Ignore it'. If you think that the reason people are bullying you is because they find your reaction amusing, ignoring it could be the solution for you. The general way things are supposed to go is that for the next few days you get bullied harder, then all of a sudden they'll magically lose interest, and move on to richer pickings in the kid down the road. I've never seen this particular piece of magic happen myself, but others swear blind by it. The really important part of this solution, though, is not how it changes the bullying, but how it changes you. If you can conquer yourself to the extent that you don't react, then you'll have gained a very useful skill - self control, and that will be useful later on. Of course, this is a lot easier said than done - you're in the middle of a psychological war, feeling emotionally fragile, and someone tells you that if you ignore it then eventually it'll go away. There's also the question of exactly how you ignore problems such as stuff getting nicked, or being barred entry to somewhere, and that kind of thing. There's no right answer here - but be prepared for what might happen during the temporary escalation, and plan your response.

A subtle variation on ignoring bullying is to avoid it. At one level this means simply turning around and walking the other way whenever you see a bully, at another this means truancy. You may get told that this is bad, because then 'the bullies will win'. Point out to such people that this isn't General Custer's Last Stand³, and winning or losing is rather irrelevant to the whole situation. In practice, evasion will minimise the damage, but you won't be able to run away forever - at some points you will get caught. That said, it's a decent piece of damage control, and if it can give you the mental breathing room to plan your way out of it, it can only be a good thing. It will fail miserably if trying to get you to run away becomes the new fun game in town, or if it is just geographically impossible.

Think Karate Kid, and any one of a dozen other martial arts movies - the hero goes away, makes himself stronger, and a better fighter, probably under the training of an old man or janitor, while running away like crazy. Then one day, he stands up, smacks all four of his bullies simultaneously, grabs the girl, and becomes the school hero, probably creating world peace and saving the ozone layer in his spare time. It's a corny storyline, but it can work. In practice, martial arts proper are possibly a little OTT, and you should be aware that if you are known to be into martial arts, then there is a fair chance you will be treated as a trouble-maker, and the closing credits will see you in extra detention - not good. A good alternative is "self-defence" classes. They're just as easy to find, they sound a lot nicer to authority, and they're probably a lot more practical in the short term. If, however, you feel that a belt and funny clothes would give you more self respect, or gain you more respect from others, I can recommend Aikido.

The extreme version of this is to grab an arsenal of highpower weaponry and kill everyone in sight. Traditionally you should then kill yourself, in an appropriately public manner. This is emphatically NOT reccommended. For starters, you end up dead, or in prison for life, which is almost certainly worse than enduring even a large amount of bullying. In addition, death is too extreme a punishment, even for the most violent bullies in the world. Death is permanent, and you can't be certain that time and maturity won't turn your bullies into reasonable members of society. There is a reason why capital punishment has been abolished in most of the civilised world. There has, as far as I know, only been one movie made about this sort of thing: "Heathers", and it is a good movie, though the motivations of the murderous character are somewhat different.

The problems with the movie method is that you have a good chance of losing, in practice, and it's normally impossible to excuse what you did as anything other than a direct assault on the bullies authority. It also fails to work if the difference in strength and skill is too huge. That's when cheating becomes useful. First off, lay the ground-work. You need to have a convincing temper - if this is natural, then you have an edge. You also need the school to be vaguely on your side - make sure that they know you are being bullied, but not who by. You probably don't want their help, just a few get-out-of-detention-free cards for what follows. Now, next time you are bullied, look for an opportunity to strike back viciously. If there is no such ability, put on that face which means that you're fighting your temper, and suceeding in controlling it - this earns you brownie points with the school. If there is an opportunity, take it!

Suppose that you are eating lunch, and get bullied in some way. Throw an entire container of sugar/jam/water over them, followed by the contents of your plate. Similarly, if in a fight somewhere in public, ignore the normal rules of combat, and pull hair, grab at the groin, and generally "fight like a girl". Don't bother ducking or warding off blows - the more you get hurt, the better the resolution when the school breaks it up, and the more obvious who the "bad guy" is. The general idea is that during these 'temper flares' you ignore your own pain, or the loss of your possessions, and concentrate on injuring or embarrasing or smashing the possesions of one person as much as possible. Of course, while your temper is 'under control' you should be the model of sincerity and repentance. Apologise profusely to the guy who's head you just rammed through a window, and anyone else who might be around. Promise you'll try better to control yourself, and so forth and so on. If you succeed you'll be a social outcast, but you won't be bullied, and you'll have the satisfaction of doing some severe injury to someone you hate. If you fail then you'll lose the support of the school, and the respect of most of your pupils. Don't try this if bullies can attack you outside of school/youthclub/etc - you need someone to break the fights up before you get severely battered. One more word - don't use weapons. If you use a knife, or whatever, then it's premeditated, and you'll be in big trouble. Try combs, pens, compasses, that sort of thing, if you feel you have to even the odds, but your body is likely just as effective.

Ok, if you don't ignore them, and you don't directly fight them, what can you do? Well, in many cases, the bullies will all come from the same "gang", so joining a rival gang can be very effective. If gang warfare breaks out, then you'll be out of the frying pan, into the fire, but provided there's an effective peace treaty, it can be an easy solution. Of course, joining a rival gang can be easier said than done - there's no general rules for doing it. However, if you see an opportunity you'd probably be foolish to turn it down. One point to note - sometimes a particular course of action you take to try and help against bullying will help endear you to one gang or another. The Karate Kid approach will do well if there is a martial arts gang you want to join, whereas the loose confederation of crazy people you see in most schools will be happier with the temper-temper approach.

There's a technique which is known to be successful at avoiding violence with both dogs and humans⁴. It basically consists of conceding victory to the bullies instantly, and without hassle, on the basis that doing so is probably going to hurt less than sticking up for yourself. This means that you should keep your eyes downcast, and your mouth closed⁵. You should put yourself at a height disadvantage, either by standing somewhere lower, or by squatting. Call the bully "sir", agree with whatever they say, put yourself down, and so forth. Wish them luck in exams, and support them if they play for a sports team. If you're lucky, the bully will be satisfied with this, and will leave you alone. If your unlucky, they will decide they will see this as a sign of weakness, and try and exploit it, and either way round you'll probably lose a lot of self-esteem, and possibly esteem amongst other people at the school. This technique is best used, perhaps, against those who you don't think are particularly sadistic, and so won't take advantage of your surrender, or in those cases where a single bully (or gang of bullies) has the entire school in thrall, where you won't lose much esteem, (and you might even be viewed as stupid if you stood up to them).

That seems a bit far to go, doesn't it? Well, if you'd like to keep some shred of self-respect, try just acknowledging the bullies, in a positive way, but do so as an equal. Ask them how they are, wish them luck, compliment them on the sharpness of their flickknife. Smile at them. If you're picking teams for some sport, why not pick them first, and then ask them for advice on who to pick next? However, while doing this keep your head up, shoulders square, and make it clear to all that you consider yourself equal in stature to them. Don't forget that this can be done on an individual basis - you might give respect to the bully who you consider has the most redeeming social features, while continuing to run away like crazy (or whatever) from any others.

Help from elsewhere

This is all a bit violent, isn't it? Maybe if we all work together, perhaps we can do things in a much more pleasant way. Well, if you're one of those people who naively believe that violence doesn't solve anything, you could try talking to someone. Personally, I think that everyone should try and find someone to talk to and get advice from, solely for the purposes of lightning the burden on your heart. In the past, it has been hard to find a disinterested party, but with the birth of the internet, you can pour your soul out to someone on a different continent, and know that they won't tell the bullies, or (sometimes worse) the school. That's hugely important.

Of course, there's another reason you might want to talk to someone - because you want them to help! Generally this means either school, parents, or friends. Like any piece of negotiation, you need to figure out what these people will get out of helping you, or they won't do it. Hopefully, your parents have your best interests at heart, so their help should be easy to achieve, though if you are in a particularly large family, then you might say that the bullies have threatened your siblings too, to get the issue a little more attention. Your school is mostly concerned with keeping clear of bad publicity and the law, so comments of the form "if this doesn't stop soon, I don't know WHAT I'll do" can help. They're probably also concerned with your grades, particularly if they have league tables⁶, so saying that it's affecting your work is possibly a good idea. Your friends are probably looking out for their own positions in the school, and possibly somewhat afraid of being bullied themselves. Make sure that if you propose some sort of plan, it doesn't involve them risking their neck for yours - few friends are that loyal...

You don't have to talk directly to people: direct communication often has the problem that you may get viewed as a tell-tale, which may well make bullying worse. A better technique is to draw attention to the problem indirectly - for example, you might stop doing any work at all - when the school notices, and asks you, then tell them the truth, and ask for help. Then apologise to the bullies concerned (they'll find out sooner or later), and say that they asked you a direct question, and you're no good at lying. Apologising in advance (rather than after the bullies have been hauled into the office and are out looking for revenge), will make the consequences better for you, and make it clear that you realise how terrible being a tell-tale is. Having a well-publicised inability to lie under pressure also encourages bullies to be careful around you, which can only be a good thing.

So, if you're a friend of someone who's being bullied, what should you do to help? Without of course, making things worse. Therein lies a query...