h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Only in Scotland!

The traffic on the south side of Glasgow has been particularly bad the last couple of days, drastically lengthening my trips to work and Poop's nursery. I've just discovered why. A lorry transporting cooking oil developed a leak and spread its contents over 30 miles of roads and motorways.

Doubtless it was an important consignment for the nation's deep-fried pizza industry.

I've been told that on a "greasy road" when you apply the brake you can actually speed up. An old guy I met once told me that he knew a guard (policeman) who was used to estimating speeds. He was travelling at 60 mph and he applied the brake, not realising the road was greasy. By the time he came to a halt he was doing 120 mph!

I've never driven on an oily road, but have been the passenger in cars where new asphalt has been laid down, and it's pretty darn slippery!! I can only imagine how much more slippery cooking oil could be!

I'm glad you got to work, and Poop to his school, safely.

>>By the time he came to a halt he was doing 120 mph!<<

Reminds you of the aeroplane which kept losing engines, each loss adding to the estimated flight time. When there was only one engine left someone said "if this one goes we'll be up here all night!"

Then there was Gerry Anderson's story about taking a taxi ride from Belfast airport. He complained to the driver:
'Why did they have to put the airport so damn far outside the city?'
And the driver said,
'Sure, they had to put it there. It's where the planes come in.'

Some folks aren't so swift on the uptake, eh?

Thanks for those anecdotes, guys. It's great to start the morning with a chuckle.

""By the time he came to a halt he was doing 120 mph!"

So he was doing 120 mph whilst he had come to a halt? Must be magic

Ach...they always did say that Americans don't understand irony. Neither, seemingly, do Devonians.

Both the 120mph and the airport examples were fine illustrations of a sort of deadpan, Celtic lunacy. See also 'If I wanted to get there I, wouldn't start from here.'

Then there's the tale of the Englishman travelling through Ireland. The train stops at a rural station and he leans out of the window and calls to the stationmaster, 'I say, my good man, what time is it.'
And the stationmaster says 'Well, now - my watch says it's five minutes to the hour, but the station clock says five past.'
'Really!' huffs the gent, 'What's the use of having two clocks if they both say different times?'
'Sure,' replies the stationmaster, 'What would be the point if they both said the same time?'

Apologies for perpetuating the stereotype of the Irish begining every sentence with 'Sure', begorrah. Anyway...they don't do that in Northern Ireland, so they don't.

Well, they do sometimes. But not after mid-day.

Only in the top of the mornin'.

In Glasgow, every sentence ends 'by the way', by the way. Billy Connolly reported having heard 'There's the Big Yin, by the way.'

And once - no lie - I even heard 'I mention that parenthetically, by the way.'

Is the 'I Can Eat Glass Project' still on line? (rummages) Ah, yes, in archive form: http://www.geocities.com/nodotus/hbglass.html A collection of how to say 'I can eat glass. It does not hurt me' in various languages.

Well...in Pure Dead Glesca, it would be 'See me? See glass? See eat? Ahm 'kin pure psycho, by the way.'

Ah! That must point to the origin of an old saying of a friend of mine:

"See you see me see me man see Friday see fish he hates it!"

Another saying of hers:

"Says he to me is that you says I who says he you says I no says he 'tis awful like you."

Both delivered without the slightest pause.

'This is me since yesterday'

and

(Bus driver to passengers) 'Come oan, get aff!'

And:
'G'ie's a swally ae yer Irn Bru, pal.'
'Haw! Huv yis no heard ae ra word "goannae"?'

Oh...and..

(Down the chippie) 'I'll have two single fish.'

Interesting glasseaters site.

>>In Irish: "Tá mé in ann gloine a ithe; Ní chuireann sé isteach nó amach orm."
Pronounced: taw MAY in ON glinna ah IH-heh; nee kurrun SHAY IS-chyok no em-OCK UR-em<<

Can't fault the language (though "nó amach" seems unnecessary, and unusual) or the pronunciation, except that the stresses are weird. I would say TAW may in oun GLINna ah ih-heh; nee KURrun shay iss-CHOCKH no um-OCKH urrm.

If only the spill had happened in the height of summer. Then we'd genuinely have been able to say, 'It's so hot you could fry an egg on the pavement.'



Then there was the truck of raspberries that collided with the truck of sugar...

Causing a traffic . . . jam?

If there'd been cream there too, the traffic would have been a trifle late.

*rolls eyes*

If I'm not in, I'm out.