h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Some days, you're better off staying in bed. My latest day of teaching was just such a day. I could tell it wasn't going to go well right from the train journey up (sitting opposite a Texan who earnestly informed me that not all Americans are like the ones on TV), when I realised I'd left my packed lunch at home.

I'd spent all week painstakingly preparing my session, and when I got there, the weather was bitingly cold and only one person turned up. And he didn't want to do the public speaking exercises I'd prepared, and preferred my hastily-knocked-together 'Plan B' writing exercises. All that work for nothing.

I missed the train home and sat shivering on the platform in the gathering dusk, waiting for the next one. I took out my sudoku book to distract me from the cold. It slipped from my hands and, when I picked it up, it and my fingers were covered in thick yellow phlegm from someone who had been spitting there before. I wiped it all off with a tissue, then looked around for a bin. But all the train station bins in North Wales have been removed, because of the Terrorist Threat: I guess they're afraid that a suicide bomber might decide to climb into a bin on some deserted Welsh station and blow a hole in the platform.

There was no way I was going to put the phlegm-soaked rag into my pocket, and I reasoned that, if the bins had been removed, there must be someone who comes to clear the station of litter every day. Besides, tissues are biodegradable. As is phlegm. Feeling a little guilty all the same, I dropped the tissue on the floor.

Two heavily-built policewomen appeared from nowhere.

"Excuse me, I think you'll find that's not a bin," said one, aggressively.

I was mortified. I blushed to the roots of my hair. I'd never dropped litter before, and here I was, caught in a criminal act. I felt like I'd just been caught performing public acts of obscenity whilst mugging a pensioner.

"There *are* no bins," I tried to explain, indicating the space on the wall where the bin used to be before the London bombings.

"Then put it in your pocket like everyone else, and take it home with you!"

I eyed the gloopy tissue. I looked around me at the scads of litter blowing around the platform. The policewoman leaned in close to me and said, "I'd pick it up now, if I were you. I'm sure you don't want a £50 fine."

"No, I don't," I said. I ventured an ingratiating smile. "I'm sorry," I said. I lifted up the tissue by its one dry corner. Satisfied with a good job done, the police officers left the station. Had I been mugged at that point, they wouldn't have known about it. All the same, I was afraid to drop the tissue back on the floor, in case they magically reappeared at my elbow. I had to leave the station and wander down the road until I found a public litter bin.

I missed my connecting bus and had to take a taxi home. My tooth fell out while I was eating soup.

Oh

What police!!!!! And how completely to spit such ...eeewwwww....

And your tooth too!

At least you can use all the teaching preparation for next time?

...otherwise, I'm speechless...



J

Get drunk & go to bed & when you wake up; howl loudly, start getting drunk again & join me on Nation States; we can plot genocide together. I am in much the same condition except my student hasn't yet arrived.

Pass that lesson plan 'cos i sure as hell don't have one!

Here's a meanwhile; order Gothly to administer it in person or i will drop a nuclear bomb on Gothly's nation, the name of which escapes me right now.

zdt

You're all very lovely and sweet. By the time I came to write that journal entry, I thought it was all rather funny. Maybe it's just my sense of humour, but I was expecting some laughter. Instead, here you all are being really nice to me. Awww.

I do like this suggestion, though: "Get drunk & go to bed & when you wake up; howl loudly." You come out with some excellent bits of advice, Terri.

Oh, and Gothly has been administering plenty of .



As for the lesson plan, I doubt it would suit your English lesson: it's all breathing exercises and projecting and poems and pep-talk. Tomorrow we're doing a public performance, so I only have to come up with a short welcome speech. Assuming anyone turns up!

That is something you laugh about later for sure!
Good thing laughter did not come to you in the moment


Your nose is runny,
and you think its funny,
but it'snot.

Hope that runny problem clears up soon

Nice one abbi!!! If in doubt, dribble over hecklers i always say.

Glad to hear Gothly is doing supportive stuff; here Gothly, have some; wish i had a Gothly!

As a matter of interest, were these Police people male, female or both? Here in frogland i have noticed over the last couple of years that the "gang of three" seem now to be usually two females to one male, reverse of 5 years back; i wonder if it's the same in UK?

zdt

Gothly's nation is Borkenville.



I don't know if Manic Vixen found my telegrams from Galactic Gargleblaster funny or not, but I attempted the same chain-of-mishaps kind of humor on her, which has resulted in a Bulgbatter beast running loose near one of her ports. GGGG as a nation is somewhat accident-prone, it's everyone's drinking habits, I think. It remains to be seen if I will see silverwing percolator missile launches off one of my coasts, there's been no response from her for a couple of days now.

>>My tooth fell out while I was eating soup<< Anything teeth related freaks me out. Terri’s suggestion of using your teeth as Christmas decorations on the straw poll thread left me very queasy!

I got pulled over for speeding a few weeks ago. It’s the first time I’ve been stopped by the police and I couldn’t believe how nervous I was. The traffic cop turned out to be surprisingly nice and polite and let me off. I got the distinct impression that he was just bored and fancied a conversation with someone.

Oh dear, sorry for the queasy stuff; i suspect me & Snailrind have a higher tolerance for such things than most. Snailrind sent me some lovely bones in the post & we do tend to discuss things like leeches & bacteria, which i suppose may not be everyones cup of

I have checked up on Fedupchecking tonight; as per usual thay have been taking advantage of my absence by breeding like hell, this is despite the introduction of flavoured condoms; i think possibly an education campaign is called for, the evidence is plain they are uncertain about how to use these

zdt

I really do hope tomorrow is better
That IS a bad day

I hope that spot left my your missing tooth does not hurt!
What tooth was it?

"Good thing laughter did not come to you in the moment"

Indeed it is! I do tend to laugh when I'm nervous.

"wish i had a Gothly!"

Gothly said: "Aww. ...Is she pretty?"

I said you were a hideously ugly octogenarian. But Gothly seems sceptical.

The police officers were both female. Round here they don't go round in threesomes, and the pairs could be any combination of male / female.

How long has this GGGG been around?

Quixote, I'd say you were lucky with that traffic cop, if I didn't know you have EVIL MIND-ALTERING POWERS. You and your tin hats. I'mnotparanoidohnonotI. I suppose teeth are like kryptonite to you. (You'd better avert your eyes for the next two paragraphs.)

"I hope that spot left my your missing tooth does not hurt!
"What tooth was it?"

It's more irritating than painful. The nerves were yanked out years ago, so I've only got feeling in the surrounding gum. It's my middle upper molar. Some of it is still there, actually. I can't eat solid food at the moment, in case it lodges in the root, which is hollow and exposed. I don't want anything starting to fester before I see a dentist on Monday!

"I really do hope tomorrow is better"

Thank you. I'm supposed to be encouraging my poets to not have stagefright, and I've got stagefright myself.

Oooh, fancy trying to put Gothly off, tsk tsk!!! There is a RL photo of gruesome octogenarian me on Az's Fofkti photo thing, i think it's page 14; i'm two years older and fatter & more wrinkly now though. Yoda however, is just as beautiful *hiss*

In one of his delightful moments of either extreme Aspergers or simple tactlessness, Viking earnestly declared "You are not Claudia Schiffer, but I don't tend to go for beautiful women, i go for the sentiment & personality" He was astonished when my sentimental personality reared up & clobbered him.

So when do we get to see pics of Snailrind & Gothly then eh???

with the stagefright & quaking would-be poets. is probably a good short term help; i used to find that 2 G&T's was not enough, 4 was too many, 3 was just right.

Interesting that the UK police don't pair up male & female, i would have thought this was sensible, bearing in mind the unknown situations they may be called to, different psychological & indeed physical approaches might be needed. This recent case where the policewoman got killed, she had a female partner with her who also got shot. I am not saying women can't be tough, far from it, but in general they are smaller & since UK police aren't armed, i would have thought having a bulky bloke around would have been useful sometimes.

zdt

Did you tell them what had happened?

The tissue is biodegradeable, unlike the other trash that was most likely blowing about on the platform.

Yuk - I feel sick for you.

The poetry reading went well: good turnout, good audience. Afterwards, the social worker gave me a big hug and a kiss and said, "thank you for *everything* you do for us! You're so supportive and helpful."

Yay.

"There is a RL photo of gruesome octogenarian me"

I'm well aware of that, and I shan't be telling Gothly where it is!

Re. Viking's tactlessness, I had a boyfriend at school who said, "Good-looking girls have no personality. I'm better off with you."

"So when do we get to see pics of Snailrind & Gothly then eh???"

Sorry, no can do on the Gothly front, but there's always this one of me in my summer glad-rags: http://public.fotki.com/Snailrind/h2g2_in_south_park/snailrind.html

"Interesting that the UK police don't pair up male & female"

Sometimes they do.

"in general they are smaller & since UK police aren't armed, i would have thought having a bulky bloke around would have been useful sometimes."

How would being bulky help to stop a bullet? I'd have thought a smaller person would be a smaller target. In that particular case, being armed would have been of no help either: they were taken by surprise and wouldn't have had time to get their guns out or take aim.

The women who told me off were pretty damn bulky, anyway! There was no point in telling them what had happened. The outcome would have been the same, and I didn't have a spare £50 to chuck around for being narky.

They obviously have authority issues and took it out on you. GRRrrrr.

Anyway re: tactlessness...I was once told by a bf that I looked better in the dark, I think he meant to say that I looked hauntingly pale and beautiful still, he didn't quite get it right...I think...we were shaggin in car in a lane in the middle of remote country lane in Wales at the time... The car got stuck, which served him right..and that was that.

Another told me I had cow eyes. They are large and brown.

I'm full of shit that's why my eyes are brown...heard that one afore too...

"I was once told by a bf that I looked better in the dark, I think he meant to say that I looked hauntingly pale and beautiful erm still, he didn't quite get it right...I think...we were shaggin in car in a lane in the middle of remote country lane in Wales at the time..."

Hey - that was ME! Hiya babe, long time no see!

Screw you!

Oh right, I already did..opps...

Jeez, can't go anyway these days...

I was never forgiven for saying that 'someone' *didn't* look gaunt. That's just one of the difficulties in being with an Anorexic.