h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Well let's kick this thing off.

What did I do today?

Walked into work. 40 minutes, briskly. Two-day old pair of shoes on my feet. They were fine yesterday, today they're giving me hell. Only difference? Yesterday I wasn't wearing Wallace & Gromit socks. True they're slightly thicker than yesterday's socks, but I had no idea the foot-shoe clearance dimension was so important that a half-millimetre increase in the size of the enclosed object would result in such drastically increased friction from the boundary object. Or perhaps I'm being punished for my questionable taste in footwear.
Nothing else bugged me quite as much today, so I'll leave it there.

Interesting. I have the same problem with friction in the back of my foot. I always assumed that it was a defective
shoe. Just think I could've saved all that money on new shoes and just bought thicker socks.

I think there's a market for a shoe-horn that mimicks the shape of your foot exactly with a long stick on the top of it. You simply bung the horn in the shoe, hold the whole thing by the stick and beat it on the nearest hard object. Artifical wear and tear.

Even cooler would be to have said shoe-horn (I think you might be visualising a cobbler's last by the way) attached to a motorised stick. Take shoes off after a hard day's loafing about, put them on the last, and switch on the machine for a few hours while you relax with a pint of Deuchar's IPA. Machine walks your shoes into submission while you sleep. (Wake up in cold sweat in middle of night, realise you haven't factored the dimensions of your socks into the equation...)

I think your shoe horn thingy is known as a cobbler's last. So even cooler than your stick would be to have a motorised version. Come home after a hard day's loafing about, put unbroken-in shoes on the lasts, switch on and relax over a pint of Deuchar's IPA whist the machine breaks them in for you. (Wake up in middle of night in cold sweat, realise you haven't factored the size of your socks into the equation...)

Okay, you win. I'm going to have to ask you the question everyone has so far resisted asking you.

What the hell is Deuchar's IPA?

There. Happy?

As I attempt to get stuff out through my company's server, which is probably about a Honda 50 where a Ford Mustang would be required, it occasionally locks up, and in total frustration, you end up posting stuff twice. So I'm not trying to beat anyone into submission with the weapon of repetition. As for Deuchar's IPA, it'll stand any amount of repetition, and you won't even have a hangover next day. Check your local Oddbins for availability.

Maybe you should change your name to "exfoliate".

nice one...made me giggle!

By far the best way to break in shoes is not to bother with your shoe horn / lasts ideas (great though they are)
but to soak them in Deuchar's IPA for 2-3 hours then down the Deuchar's IPA. Doing this every night will ensure
two things; (1) nice soft shoes and (2) nice drunken dreams.

Deuchar's IPA is far too good to be used as shoe-softener. Though you've given me an idea - maybe i could try Labatt's Ice (technically the worst beer in the world) on the shoes and then pour the stuff on the path to act as weedkiller afterwards.

Hmmmm, I'll just pop down the the local patent office........