h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I don't know why I chose that as a title, it reminds of an album many years ago.
Anyway, this will be a place to keep a record of events around my mental health, oops I have revealed I am that person on the Dark Side Of The Moon I thought about when a lot younger, I never really liked Pink Floyd much apart from that album about insanity mainly, which brings me nestly onto todays 8am events,lol
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I shaved my hair off at 8am with hardly a second thought A La Britney Spears and burst into tears after, I expect Britney cried too at the feeling of being out of control. I had been fighting the urge to do it for days and indeed a couple of days ago I got to a No2 crop, today it was No1 the proper Skinhead crop and as far as you can go with electric clippers.
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I rushed into lounge and put the first Clash album on very loud on headphones and took up a Crucifix stance infront of mirror feeling elated and powerful, but totally out of control and unhappy inside. I felt like Skinhead posing for an article or album cover and knew how ill this was really.
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It all went on for an hour and came down into a depressed heap in the bath instantly, after making animal noises and scaring the neighbours, it scared me too as knew this was the worst episode yet. While in Crucifix position in lounge, music and even clothes touching me felt differant.
It is happening every 2 or 3 days now and suspect my Phychiatrist, a new one, thinking on his first time of ever seeing me, thinking the old shrink was wrong about thinking it was Bi Polar, is wrong himself. It sure seems like fast cycling Bi Polar Disorder to me, and if it isn't it is something pretty serious anyway so doesn'tt really matter what they call it!
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I have an MRI brain scan soon so if that is clear they will be able to give me differant medication.
You might think it odd I give so much personal detail on here, well no one knows who I am on here or knows where I live so it is ok, also it might help others to seek help!
If you are depressed go see your doctor, especially if you are male as males tend to leave it too long. I certainly did and look how I turned out,lol!

Hi SS ,

I read your post twice, I fully understand what you are going through. I am on the highest dose of medication you can get, and I still get depressed from time to time . The tablets do help the depression, but does nothing much for the anxiety. I find that relaxation time does help, even if it is 10 minutes a day listening to relaxing music .

Also, if I keep busy then my mind is occupied, otherwise I start to go into a depressed state. Go on your walks every day, I know the weather hasn't been brilliant, but fresh air does the world of good .

As for you shaving off your hair, tell me SS, what do you feel beforehand? I mean why do you feel you must do it? Man to man.........does it give you a sort of thrill or fantasy to see what it feels like? I am sorry for being so personal, but the reason I said 'thrill and fantasy' is because I do understand. I have felt the same, but have never told anyone at the time as it is a personal and difficult thing to talk about.

SS, I think about you and are here for you, along with all of your other friends on h2g2 . Hang in there, and continue to battle on.

Nigel

No the head shaving is nothing like that Nigel!
It is more like Britney Spears and how she did it. If it is Bipolar Disorder then it does things like that more than normal depression which mainly just drags you down. It is a power with in that takes you over and gives you a false sense of being powerful, the life and soul of the party, thinking you can do anything.
It is false of course and suddenly dies away and leaves you down again. Bi Polar is as in the name, flipping from low to high and sometimes back again. The actual shaving of the head has no meaning except in the compulsion to do it, perhaps as with Britney in mind.
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The head shaving could easily be say grimacing and pulling faces which I do as well. Before when I had short hair it would anoy me when grew long so got it cut fairly often. If anything it might be more a tidyness obsession like OCD type things, which I have had briefly since this all started in last 6 months or so..

I understand SS . I have a hint of the bi-polar, but it is not an easy thing to diagnose. It is just a case of getting the right medication and the right dosage.

Take care.

Nigel

I should add something really. The head, eybrow, etc compulsive shaving has continued. It might be a way of 'gaining control' somehow, but of course being involuntary it doesn't. I am trying to limit it to head and hidden areas as eybrow shaving stands out too much and gets noticed as I can see people looking if talking to them directly.
In general things are getting worse but with areas of normallity, but not much! The shaking is turning into whole body shakes at times(still waiting for brain scan results) which I still am 95% certain are caused by mental health problems, depression and anxiety, possibly even Bipolar Disorder! There are times when I am losing touch with reality for short periods of around half an hour, and am still having ocassional sound and visual hallucinations(not schizophrenia).
I am seeing new shrink soon but to be honest i am really not sure about him as he had made up his mind what I had before I even met him I felt from reading anothers notes.

It seems that's what they do these days SS, read notes and make a diagnosis based on those rather than talking to the person in front of them.

I hope it turns out better than expected and that you get your scan results soon. Did they give you any indication of how long it would take?

take care,

Websailor

This is where it gets complicated. All I want is an all clear so shrink can change my medication, however getting a result is proving difficult. I have an appointment for neurologist in May which is useless, although apparantly if they find something wrong it will be brought forward. It seems the hospital won't give a resut over phone so I asked neurologist dept to send results to my shrink, I have a shrink appointment in about 2 weeks time. I told neurologist dept that shrink waon't act until gets brain scan results. To be honest I wish shrink had never asked for bloody brain scan as making it so complicated and slow!
It seems extremely unlikely that with a close relative having exactly the same symptoms as me it is some brain damage type thing,

I don't think I mentioned MRI brain scan was clear which leaves just Mental Health problems. so really no surprise there, lol!
The new shrink thinks it isn't Bi Polar but bad Depression, sever chronic Generalised Anxiety Disorder and episodes of Hypomania and Paranoia, you pays your money, you takes your pick!
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Not sure which is worse really, the short Paranoia episodes do detatch one from reality a bit! It would make working a bit difficult as could never be certain what you thought someone said to you actually happened!
I am waiting, still, for an antidepressant as has to write to my doctor first before starting.
At least the new shrink appeared to be actually listening to what I said this time in our second appointment. Not much else to say about it really. Still shaving head. Would I give me a job at moment, nope, as I can't remember things well, still have panic attacks, claustrphobia, crying at times, head tics, shaking, and all the rest really. I suspect if tried to work it might go really bad again.
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Glad the brain scan was clear. If the psychiatrist is listening then that is something. It sounds as if work would be out of the question, and as you say might make it worse. That is quite a range of problems to choose from isn't it?

Hang in there. I hope something will be found to help soon. In the meantime keep watching the wildlife - no better entertainment anywhere, and count yourself lucky you have the time to watch for now.

Take care,

Websailor

But hey, look on the bright side, the ocassional sound and visual hallucinations can be fun!
He thinks it is all anxiety related, I really don't know, sometimes I think it isn't and is something differant. It really doesn't matter what label it has really Bi Polar or Hypomania Episodes with bad Depression, they both are as close as xxxx to swearing.

Hey, reached another all time low!
I got a letter saying I have the EAS money thing medical assessment in a couple of weeks. The neighbour upstairs has 3 people with noisey boots in and they sound like elephants on his uninsulated laminate flooring.
I have started to cut, and burn my arm with hot fork prongs, I even cut "ME" in big letters on my arm as they want to see 'me' at the medical assessment. How sick is that. I can save them time, just put Crazy and getting worse on form!
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The head shaving is bad enough, now I look like I don't know what with my arm. Something else to be embarrassed about, along with telling yet another assessment about my Paranoia, Halucinations, etc.

There is one possitive thing though, hopefully if they allow me to get/carry on with the ESA after this medical assessment, and they also give me DLA, then hopefully I can crawl back into my proverbial hole and will only have to see my phychiatrist mainly from then on.
I can go back to staying indoors for a week and avoiding people if I want to, most of time actually to be honest, as even when I go out I try to avoid as many as I can.

I have to admit to not understanding why you cut, I can't think how you do it, it would scare me to death. There is a programme coming up on the tv about it soon but I can't remember when. Perhaps I should watch it and see if I can understand a bit.

Please be careful and keep it clean. You could get all sorts of complications, and I don't think you need to go that far to prove you are ill to the assessment people.

Try to keep busy with wildlife and try and put it out of your mind. I don't envy you the clumping boots upstairs though. Most frustrating. I would get out as much as you can.

Take care,

Websailor

Don't worry WS, it isn't as bad as it sounds!
This is a particulary bad time now and as soon as this assessment is over it will be a less stressful time, thank God.
The cutting is really just an extension of my compulsive head shaving which is less harmful so will hopefully head back to that, no pun intended, after assessment. I am counting down the days to get it over with, I would do it tomorrow if I could. I suspect by time it gets here I will have shaved my eyebrows off too, and maybe even the small goatee beard I kept just to show I do have some hair ,lol!

I know what you mean. I hate waiting for dreaded appointments, I would rather get them over and done with. I never seem to be able to think sensibly beyond the dreaded date, or concentrate on anything.

Websailor

Blimey, actually some good news for a change. I found out that if doctor agrees I can get a free swimming pass. It means I will have something I can do during day that dosn't have to be planned and involve pubs, etc which I am not really into at moment. It also means I can be near people but not too near as in having to make conversation. It would save me a lot of money and be exercise that got me out of flat, particularly in winter time. I am being sent a form which presumably I take to doctor to get signed. I can't see why they wouldn't sign it as it must be good for my situation(it is for mental health probs too). Infact it is ideal for my situation really.
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I went to library to see what events are happening which is where I found out about free swimming pass, although I did know it existed years ago but thought it might have been stopped by now. There are assorted things happening but which are quite expensive. It isn't so much the money as I might get really panicky in an enclosed space full of people and leave at start which is a waste of money.
There is a college just on edge of my area which does "discreet" courses for people with mental health problems which is great but to have "discrete" in brochure comes across as a bit patronising like we should be hidden away!
...blimey, I just used "we" which is a bit of a thing for me to use!

Another day nearer medical assessment. I sat outside Sainsbury's again today and noticed a change in symptoms. It seems to happen from time to time. I seem to have gone from more just shaking/head tics to shaking and head tics but with more rocking backwards and forwards and particularly talking to myself. It must look very strange, well I know it does, as can see myself reflected in windows!
Cutting again today and felt slightly sick after , perhaps from my revulsion that I should do it, however it hurts less that the burning I tried with heated fork which hurt for days in sunshine.
I am going to have to watch the overeating I have started again, I was doing really well with one large meal in evening with some fruit during day.
Hey ho, Crazy is as Crazy does, I am sure situation will be more normal after medical assessment. At least I will know where I stand if they won't give me money and shall think about it then....

The form for the free disabled swimming pass arrived today so duly took it to docs to be signed and sent back to me. It will be one more free thing to get me out of flat. I have other things I could do but don't want to have to do them as HAVE to do them to fill time as won't enjoy them any more.
I really don't want to have to do things arranged for people with mental health probs by the Crazy House where I go as that could be quite depressing, no pun intended. To be honest I would rather go to ordinary things arranged for 50+ people even if most will be older than me as likely to have a better conversation than Crazy House arranged things.
If someone wants to spend a lot of money it is easy to find things to do but would rather do free/cheap things. Strangely, up until a few weeks ago I was finding it easy to fill my time and with weather getting better it should be actually be easier!

SS, I understand what you mean but I think it would be better not to call it Crazy House. That's rather unfair to those who have to go, and it sounds as if you are in denial. Your symptoms may, or may not be crazy, but it shows a rather old fashioned view, unkind view of mental illness. I am sure you didn't mean that. I am older than you, so I know what you mean.

Keeping yourself occupied when you are fretting about something looming is very difficult. The swimming will give you exercise too. I always find a good bout of hard housework helps

Take care,

Websailor

WS, nope you have got it totally wrong, I am very aware of how ill I am, my Crazy House description is of 'ME' having to use it and not others who go there, most actually of whome show no outward signs and if anything look and act more 'normal' than me, whatever normal is. Crazy House is gallows humour employed by those in my situation, a situation I am very aware of, denying the cuts and burns on my arm and me rocking back and forth talking to myself in public is hard to deny.
Indeed when the assessment is over it will be a relife. None of assessments I have had so far have been that important as all work based and if they sack me it will actually make it easier so wouldn't have to do their assessments anymore. The one in a few days is to decide whether I get longterm didabilty money or not.