h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Heard this on Radio 4 this morning and liked it:

Two monkeys in a bath
First monkey: oo! oo! oo! aa! aa! aa!
Second monkey: Well, put some cold water in then.

Don't know that it works written down though

I like tht one!!!

*chuckles*

*Racks brains for monkey jokes to donate to Trin*
Aha!
Two primates, Mr & Mrs G Rilla, 14 Banyan Grove, The Congo were expecting their first baby. The baby was born and the parents were delighted until they found that they couldn't see any way that the baby's legs could bend in the middle.
A little confused they approached the local health centre and to their dismay found out that it wasn't NHS and that they'd have to pay. They rooted through all their belongings and all they could find was an early Queen Elizabeth the Second 1d coin.
"Let me try," said Mum, "I'll see if they'll have pity on us."
A little later she came back and was having difficulty controlling the little mite who was climbing all over her.
"That's fantastic!" said dad, "They gave you two ape knees for a penny!"

Wa Hey!!!
*Dons Max Miller garb* So what if I am? D'you want the blue book or the white book?

I'm going to re-christen this entry

A very dirty scruffy man walks into a bar in Dublin. On his shoulder he has a sad looking monkey. The barman says "Get out of here!"
The man says, "Before I go, and I will go gladly, I wonder if you would give me just a moment to amaze you. If I can truly amaze you I would like you to give me in return just one single whiskey."
The barman looks warily at the monkey and agrees to let the man have one chance.
The man puts his hand into his pocket and pulls out a hamster. He walks over to an old upright piano which is in the corner of the bar. He sits the hamster on the piano keys and stands back. The hamster leaps from key to key making music, sometimes stretching his little body full length to get chords. The music is beautiful and the barman is amazed.
True to his word he pours the man a whiskey - but being slightly soft hearted he makes it a double.
The man slowly sips the amber fluid until it is gone. Clearly he would like more but he is too proud to beg.
"If I could amaze you again would you give me another of those?"
"Certainly," says the barman - who had no other customers in the bar.
The man went over to the piano and set the hamster down again on the keys. He also put the monkey on top of the piano. The barman expected the monkey to dance and was ready to give the man a drink for generally entertaining him. However when the music began, it was "Danny Boy," the monkey began to sing in a clear, beautiful tenor. People started to wander into the bar when they heard the fantastic voice and marvellous accompaniment.
When they saw what was going on they were amazed.
The barman poured another double for the old man.
One of the new customers declared to the gathered people that he was an impresario from London and booked acts from around the world to perform for huge audiences in film and on TV. Surely such a marvel as this should be seen by more than the handful in this Dublin bar.
The barman pointed out the scruffy chap as the owner of the performers. "I'll give you £50,000 for them." says the impresario.
"Ah, now," says the man, "I wouldn't want to part with them and I'm not a fond feller for the fillums or the TV."
"I'll give you £100,000!"
"Now what need have I of money when I can drink to my heart's content with the two of them enjoying themselves."
"Look I'll give you £1 million."
"Nope," says the old feller wiping his mouth with the back of his hand. "I wouldn't want to be without my company."
Seeing a loophole the Impresario said, "Well sell me the monkey for £500,000! Then you'd still have the hamster to keep you company."
The old chap was silent for a long while and then eventually said, "Are you sure you'd be happy with just the monkey? I wouldn't want to see you angry."
"Angry? I'd be delighted to have the monkey!"
The old man then looked a little sad. "What's wrong?" asked the impresario. "You're not changing your mind are you?"
"It's not that," said the old feller, "I don't use banks and I'm sure you'd want me to take a cheque."
"No, no, no! I have contacts. I can get the money here in half an hour."
"OK then, you can have the Monkey"
Half an hour later the money arrives, hands were shaken and the show business promoter disappeared into his huge car clutching the monkey.
The barman poured another double whiskey and as he pushed it to he old boy whispered, "Why didn't ye take the whole million for the two of them?"
"And sure, where would I find another piano playing, ventriloquist, hamster with a voice like that?"

Oh ho! Lovely!

Have you two been to tell us a joke thread?

I have.

oh...

I just thought a monkey/ape specific joke thread would be good - you know, one for the connoisseurs. That said, I'm racking my brains for more monkey jokes.

*Sits FB down comfortably on a big fluffy cushion and surrounds her with a million flowers. Scratches vest to release odour of serenity and anti hay fever chemicals*
That was a bit abrupt wasn't it. Sorry

How did you know my nose was itching earlier?

I thought you were just picking it for fun.

How do you know all these things?!!!

quite spooky isn't it?

*hides crystal ball in the front, lower portion of vest*
I expect it's just lucky guessing.

One day, the chimpanzee preacher comes to monkey town. He sets up in a big marquee and all the primates come to listen to his sermon. The sermon is very passionate, full of brimstone and hellfire and the chimp preacher rages and shouts - and, as he turns over each page of his sermon, he takes the old page and slaps it against the wall behind him, where it sticks, as if by magic.

At the back of the hall, one monkey turns to his friend and asks:
'How does he do that?'
'Do what?' asks the second monkey.
'Make the pages stick to the wall.'
The second monkey just shrugs. 'Zealot ape?'

Man phones the zoo instead of the electric shop and asks, "Have you got an infra red griller?"
"Nope, replies the zoo keeper but we've got an ultra violent chimpanzee!"