h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Is not one of the most reassuring sentences you could wake up to after a drunk night out.

Brain:

Panic immediately sets in. We did seem to be in the taxi for a very long time. Perhaps it took us to the airport Surely the airport officials wouldn't let fish fly?

Brain: Stop. Think back.

I took my credit card so I did have enough money for the flight. Maybe I should do as the voice says, smile. Well, I didn't think I was going to get away on holiday again this year. I've got plenty of holiday days going spare at work and I could do with the break after all.

Brain: Stop. Survey the surroundings.

Ok, this is it. *Opens eyes*

Gah!!! Sunlight! Shut eyes! Shut eyes! Eyes! Eyes!

Brain: Sorry, that wasn't planned out very well. Stop clawing your eyeballs out and use other senses.

*Sniff* Bit smoky, but I think I remember smoking quite a bit more than I usually do when I go out.

*Feel* Spongy, soft. Hammock maybe? No, too steady. No sand anywhere though. Hang on, what's that? Grit off bottom of shoes probably.

*Listen* Someones talking. Is that Spanish? I think it's some form of English. Hang on, no, it's....it's...a political debate!

Brain: Apologies for the last mishap, but your eyes should have become accustomed to the light now.

*Open eyes*

My bedroom

*Turns jabbering political talk off with remote control*

Brain: Relax, it was just an advert. Do something about your breath. Find chewing gum.

*Bag search ensues*

*Opens bag* What's this? Half a bottle of Jack Daniels is in my bag...I don't even like JD.

I must have stolen it from that scissor wielding girls house.

Good night then?

*Offers and *

Best night I've had out in a while, not that I've been out anywhere recently Slightly spoiled by this girl who kept brandishing razor blades and scissors, but I got a free bottle of JD out of it

Don't mind if I do

Sounds pretty hectic.

Why don't you sell overhead projectors, by the way? If you had enough of a stockpile, you could use them as some sort of defensive wall against people brandishing scissors and razor blades. Also, the stockpile of OHPs would be somewhere convenient to leave your bottle of JD, so that you wouldn't forget where you put it.

As you can see, I *have* thought about this - and there are many compelling reasons why you should sell overhead projectors. Or at least hoard them.

I could start a business. I could buy them from small eastern companies for cheap, cheap prices and then sell them on Ebay I could have people queuing up to buy them from me. I'd have to set up a stall in the market to sell them and when the demand got higher, I'd have to open up a set of chain stores selling them. I could become a millionaire!

Sorry, I'll just lock my imagination back up again.

*Almost deserted boardroom, vast table, many chairs. Two types in suits and ties and deep dejection*

Bob: Jeez, Mike, that didn't go to well.

Mike: You're tellin' me bud. Know why?

Bob (throws paper cup at wall): Yeah, dammit, I know why. That overhead projector. Blurry. Wobbly. Goddam thing's no good.

Mike: Where d'you get it from?

Bob: Lil' Donny McCheap's place, over on Ripoff Drive.

Mike: Well ... *Pulls out a small business card. Camera zooms in. There is a foot around which is wrapped some bacon and, beneath, the logo 'OHP - It's What We Are'* They're the best Bob. Believe me.

Bob: Hey! Thanks!

*Vast swooshing effects and sudden fade to black. Thousand strong chorus sings:

If ain't got the foot
And it ain't got the bacon
Then it's frankly substandard overhead projection
You're makin'

Same foot and bacon motif slowly fades up, then fades out*

Nothing can top that

Does that mean I've got your advertising account? Ker-ching!

(Because I may have to high-five a couple of my copywriters if that's the case and you might want to stand back because it's all a bit obnoxious - red braces, brylcreem, all that stuff. We'll probably go for a power-tea later)

Definitly! I wouldn't mind a power tea actually, is it like herbal?

Herbal, certainly. Except you don't get time to drink it, because there's too much brainstorming and power.

Eww, cold herbal tea!

It's bad enough when it's warm

*giggles at footy* spain is nice, I woke up in france once. it was probably all a good idea at the time

I've tried Tea without milk, nice. Never tried herbal or power tea before though

Mmmmm cammomile tea

No it's not cloudy, yucky looking and good for treating poison ivy. That would be calamine tea

So many types of tea, I just want a plain old teabag!

Do you want square bag, round bag, pyramid bag, dodecahedron bag, one cup, two cup, catering, loose or Yorkshire?

Just one that's been in a sainsburys bag