h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

No! You can't tell them! They'll take us away! The people will! They'll send round doctors!

We understand. We are here to help you. Now come along with me and the other nice gentlemen.


Pattern-chaser

"Who cares, wins"

Don't do it! It's a new government torture technique- they throw you into a vat of boiling custard!

Now, now. There's no need to get upset. One of my pick-me-up pills will soon sort you out. Here's a glass of water to wash it down. Bottoms up! No, of course there's no custard...


Pattern-chaser

"Who cares, wins"

Not a chance! You'll drug me, take me to some secret underground base, force all I know out of me (as if I'd tell you anything! I'd die before I do that!) then perform bizarre and unsual acts on me merely for the pleasure of doing them. Finally, you'd cut my body up and sell it to medical companies, and probably the very, evil, pharmaceutical company you got that pill from!

Well, what do you have to say NOW, eh? I think I've got you sussed.

Of course, I might just be planning to do exactly that to you.

RoadKill:

PC: "It's a secret."

That just proves it.

Proves what? There's nothing to prove; I have no secrets!

Pattern-chaser

"Who cares, wins"

*Incoherent and muffled screams*
Voice 1: That took care of him.
Voice 2: Are you sure?
Voice 1: Of course I'm sure. Look, try him.
*Kicking sounds*
Voice 1: See?
Voice 2: That was fun.
*Loads'a kicking sounds*
Voice 2: Yeah. You know what? We should use the experimental laser gun to carve him into little sock puppets.
*Fizzing noise, then a camp-sounding and very Freudian play starts up*
Voice 2: Oh, no, look at that. I've gotta go, I'm late for my pedicure.
Voice 1: You are *such* an embarrassment. Just look at that! Black is *so* out...
(They leave in a pink van labelled "SPECIAL OPS")

The next day's tabloid headline:
*Whirling newspapers spin towards you*
"Shock horror scream alien footmark fest found in dead body Jordan orgy football"

You would say that. You're just covering up this dead Jordan whatjamacallit. It's all lies anyway.