h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Welcome to Secret Club.
There are eight basic rules.
However, the third and eighth rules do not apply on saturdays, or the first monday of each month, whichever comes first. If this monday/saturday occurs within a leap year's second month, the first rule (but not the second) may be circumvented, given permission from the False Head of your Chapter.

The first rule of Secret Club is: you do not talk about Secret Club.
The second rule of Secret Club is: you DO NOT TALK about Secret Club.
The third rule of Secret Club is: no girls.
The fourth rule: be creative. Keep secrets you didn't even know existed.
Fifth rule: each shall maketh a group, and shall stick to the group; yea, and they shall (verily) suppose that they are superior to all other groups.
The sixth rule of Secret Club: Paranoia is an art form. The most complex and omnipresent delusion each week shall be merited with a pair of binoculars.
The seventh rule of Secret Club is: Keep it concealed.
The eighth rule of Secret Club: If this is your first day, you HAVE to lie.

Can I join?

My er, my dog, er, my dog has six legs!

I shall form the Sweepstakes group.

Sorry, are you talking about Secret Club? Because you KNOW you're not allowed to do that. I'll make an exception.
You can't be the Sweepstakes group, because now I know what you're called. Unless you're double bluffing... or triple bluffing...
If you're not a girl, or a cabbage or something, you can join. But don't tell anyone.

I might be bluffing. I might not. It depends what I'm bluffing about. It's that, that's for sure. It's poker. A secret game.

I'm probably not a cabbage or a girl. I can check the last one pretty quick. Ok. I might be a cabbage. That's all you'll get out of me, mind.

But what if it's NOT all that I'm going to get out of you?
I am after all the False Head of the Seventeenth Chapter.
This means that it is your DUTY to tell me about your conspiracy/delusion. You might get a pair binoculars. You might not. They might not even BE binoculars. I might not even EXIST. I'm not telling.

You're right. It might not be. But you'll have to go through the secretary of the Mildew chapter. Who might not exist. Or might.

And I'm not so sure there are any conspiracies. There might be. There might well be. I don't think I'd tell you even if there were. You're not in my chapter. Which might or might not be called the Sweepstakes chapter. But it might.

I might not believe in binoculars. Binoculars MIGHT just be a government conspiracy. They hush it up, you know. People claim to have used binoculars, but I tend to listen them with a half- believing ear. And those binoculars I might have seen in a shop window might just be fakes. I might not want binoculars, anyway.

You've been awarded some quasi-binoculars, which are winging themselves (thanks to the auto-homing-flying spy gadgets I installed) to you. Perhaps. Because of your work upon the uncertainty of binoculai.
Of course there are conspiracies. They just don't tell you about them. That's the giveaway for their existence. If they WEREN'T there, someone would be making stuff up about them and a lot of people would believe it.
I, or perhaps a member of my staff, has come up with a catchy motto.
"Remember, just because you're not paranoid, doesn't mean they're not plotting against you. And just because you ARE, doesn't mean that they ARE. And because you're NOT, doesn't mean they ARE. And if you ARE, doesn't mean that they're NOT."
The question remains if *they* are paranoid, and whether WE are plotting against them.
I think they hushed up my long career as ruler of the world. Even to me. It's the spies, I say. The ones in my hat. Coldplay got it right.

They might have done.

*Taps nose*

Maybe I should scout for new members.

Now the question is, is that a bluff?

why the antiness to girls? and its not terribly secret doll if i know about it and im a girl... do the rules not apply to girls seeing as how they're not allowed? So i can tell peps about the *secret club* and.... hmmm

Because girls can't keep secrets, as any fule kno!



I think this may currently be the biggest threat to the Secret Club...

Pattern-chaser

"Who cares, wins"

Oh and men can be trusted more can they? Pah!

Am i a threat then? Well theres a simple way round that. Let me join and i'll be good and not a threat... hee hee blackmail

xxxxxxx

PC
""
Was this a lie? Because it WAS your first night.

Kittens
Fine. Maybe I'll make this into a proper guide entry club an' all, and I'll amend the rules to exclude someone else. Perhaps.

If you do, can you not tell us who it is? I think you'd be lying anyway. Unless you're double bluffing.

Okay, fine. From now on, the rule is amended to "All people who are X are excluded. But we're not telling you what X is. Or, indeed, why."
Then again, I might not make it into an entry.

I might choose to ignore the rule, even if you don't. But I might not tell you.

*Taps nose*

*Raises eyebrow*