h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Jeeves trembled, his pretence of imperturbability quite abandoned.
"No-one alive, Sir, but there have been dark nights like this when I've seen a man stalking the corridors. According to the history of the house, the ghost of a highwayman haunts it, trying to gain revenge for a wrong that was done him. Mr Springer didn't believe the legend and forbade me to speak of it. But...."

"For heaven's sake, Jeeves", Simon said, "you're not trying to tell us that you believe in ghosts?! There must be a reasonable explanation. Let's go and investigate!", and with that, Simon stormed ahead.

Arthur felt his heart lurch as it sometimes had done when he was out on a tricky spying mission. Like that time when he was savaged by a Stasi guard dog. However, he wasn't going to let an ignorant fool like Simon show him up, so he hurried after him. He reached the doorway where they had seen the shadow disappear and entered cautiously.

In the impenetrable black behind the door, he could see nothing. From directly in front of him there came a yelp, a crash and a curse as Simon hit the floor.

"Blasted rat! Well, I've found the damn dog."

Jeeves stumbled over a ruck in the carpet and collided with Arthur.

"Please gentlemen, wait. You can't see where you're going. We should stay together. There are batteries for that torch in the kitchen Mr Cleghorne. We are unlikely to find the young lady in the dark. Have you got the dog Mr Fairweather, sir?"

"No. The little blighter's run off again."

Arthur sighed. He didn't trust the butler but their choices seemed limited.

"Alright Jeeves. You're right. There's no point running around in the dark until we break our necks or have our necks broken for us. Lead us to those batteries."

As Jeeves led the way along a hallway, Arthur looked about him, trying to work out the layout of the house. The wind stirred the heavy curtains and, here and there, a shaft of grey showed the outline of a chair or a table. At last, Jeeves opened a door into a room with a tiled floor. Although the walls receded into darkness, here and there a copper pan reflected a little light. They had arrived in the kitchen. Suddenly, the door slammed shut behind them.

Nerves were beginning to fray. The crash of the door made Simon squeak in surprise. As he tried to covered this embarrassing sign of fear, with a deep, manly cough, they heard a key turn in the lock. Arthur spun round and groped for the door handle. Finding it, he rattled it back and forth. The door would not open.

"Well, we're locked in the kitchen. While you're digging out those batteries Jeeves, perhaps you would be kind enough to abandon your idiotic ghost story and tell us the truth. Who did you really see sliding through that door. You recognised the person, didn't you? Was it our host? What game are you playing with us?"

"I assure you sir! Mr Springer is dead. I saw him with my own eyes."

A chair scraped as Simon felt his way around the long table occupying most of the space in the middle of the room. Homing in on the sounds of a drawer being opened, he stepped up behind Jeeves, twisted his arm behind his back and placed a large knife that he'd found on the table against the butler's throat. "He's right. You're lying to us. Springer's put you up to this, hasn't he? Tell us truth now, or I'll.... "

Jeeves sighed. "Very well, Sir. I'll tell you the truth. Mr Springer is still very much alive. He told me that he was calling you here to put some pressure on a group of people who knew too much about him. I thought that he was just playing some kind of trick on you. I'm now afraid that his intentions were more serious. It's just occurred to me, as well, about five seconds ago, that he might include me in that group..."

Simon relaxed his hold. "I knew it! Though... wait a minute. What does Springer imagine I know about him? He must have me mixed up with someone else. Is the old man senile Jeeves? Has he lost his mind?"

"I fear his mental state has deteriorated of late sir. I have served Mr Springer faithfully for many years and yet, I too seem be the victim of his paranoid suspicions."

Arthur proceeded to rummage in the drawer where Jeeves had been searching for the batteries. He paused for a moment at this revelation. "I hope you're not looking for sympathy Jeeves. You're up to your neck in this. Ah, what have we here? A revolver! Is it worth our while to continue the battery hunt, or is this what you were looking for?"

"I know nothing about that Mr Cleghorne! Mr Springer must have..."

He was interrupted by the sound of a mobile phone playing "Whiskey in the Jar".

"Who's got a mobile phone?" demanded Arthur. "I left mine in my coat pocket when I hung it in the hall."
"Me too."
"It's Mr Springer, sir," whispered Jeeves. "He's just outside that door."

Simon snorted and tightened his grip once more. "Old Springer's a Thin Lizzy fan then, is he? I kind of doubt that. In any case, the sound's not coming from the other side of that door."

"Really sir! You must believe... Ouch! I am not accustomed to such rude and boisterous treatment, sir. Kindly release me."

"Yes, do stop mauling the poor devil, Fairweather. We can squeeze the truth out of him when we can see what we're doing. In the meantime, I believe that's the ring tone of Miss Lupinova's phone and it sounds as though it's coming from somewhere in this room. Where's that torch Jeeves. I've found the batteries."

Simon reluctantly let go of the butler and felt his way back to the table. While he groped about the for the phone, Arthur pocketed the revolver, retrieved the torch and changed the batteries.

As the kitchen filled with light, they looked round. Everything was spotless, from the tiled worktops to the rows of kitchen knives. At first, there seemed to be no sign of Olga Lupinova. Then the mobile phone rang again. Arthur strode across the room and opened the door of a large cupboard.

The sound was coming from a biscuit tin on the middle shelf. There was a mouse-trap on top of the box, ready to snap down on any careless fingers that might happen by in the dark. Arthur reached for one of the glittering knives and used it to poke the trap. It went off with a loud clatter on top of the tin. He played the beam around the box, looking for further signs of tampering. Finding none, he lifted the box out and placed it on the table.

Simon stood well back. "Careful. There's no telling what that barmy old fool might have done to it."

Arthur nodded. "Jeeves, you open it. There's a good chap."

Jeeves edged the tin open and took out a mock leopardskin covered mobile phone, wrapped in several pieces of paper.
He unwrapped the paper and pressed the call button.

"Jeeves here, Mr Springer."
"I wanted you to know that I've got Olga at knifepoint. I'll cut her throat unless you promise to sign an affidavit. I want you all to promise that you won't publish anything to my detriment."
"I don't think we were proposing to, Sir."
"That loyal butler act doesn't work with me, Jeeves. I know you're writing your memoirs. Just sign."

He held the phone so that Simon and Arthur could hear Springer ranting. Arthur smoothed out the sheets of wrapping papers as they listened. It was a legal document with spaces for each of the guests to sign.

"My God, he's completely insane - even madder than we thought," Simon whispered.

The sound of his voice, low and harsh, seemed to bounce off the tiles and the pots and pans lining the kitchen walls. Springer's tone became shrill. "I heard that! Who said that?"

Arthur snatched the phone from Jeeves. "Let us speak to Olga. We need to know that she's safe before we agree to anything."

There was a pause, then Olga's voice, tearful.

"Please help me. Please do as he says. I'm sure he means to kill me otherwise."

"We'll do everything we can," said Arthur. He covered the phone and whispered to Jeeves "Any idea where they are?"

Suddenly Springer's voice boomed out. "Don't try to double cross me, or Olga will pay for it."

"Calm down Springer. You're being irrational. Why would you want to harm Olga? Tell us what this is all about, for goodness sake. We're at a complete loss to..."

The line went dead. Arthur sighed. "Well, at least we have a phone now."

"What are you waiting for Cleghorne? Ring the police."

Arthur tapped in 999 and raised the phone to his ear again. He listened for a moment then lowered it and studied the tiny screen. It displayed the message: 'No Service'.

"Odd. There's no signal now."

"As you may have noticed sir, there are no other buildings for miles around and we are surrounded by hills. Mr Springer overcame the telephone signal problem by having his own radio equipment installed and a mast erected upon the north tower. He controls that equipment and has evidently switched off the signal to prevent your communication with the outside world."

He put the phone down on the table. Jeeves reached towards it but Simon got to it first. "I'll take that. We might need it later."

Arthur glowered at the papers. "Damn! We'd better sign these documents, I suppose. It doesn't matter what we promise under these circumstances. It would never stand up in a court of law."

"Careful what you say sir. Mr Springer may..." Jeeves was silenced by a blood chilling shriek.