h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Analiese was out riding one time when she noticed two white boys on bicycles stopped at a fork in the rutted dirt road down the valley from her house. As she rode towards them she noticed they wore white dress shirts, ties and dark pants and each carried a daypack. She wondered what they wanted so she asked,

"Hey, what are you doing out here?"

"We're looking for the Farthing place. Can you help us?" one of them asked.

"Sure thing. Just follow me," she replied and headed off up the trail at a trot.

The boys followed on their bikes, mountain bikes with colorful paint jobs. They seemed fit but exhausted in the heat, their white shirts soaked in sweat. Finally, the group arrived at a small house with a porch covered with a brush awning and a blanket for a door.

"Go on in," said Analiese. "There's water outback and I'll brew some coffee if you want."

"We don't drink coffee," said one of the boys, "but we'll sure take some water if you don't mind."

"Okay, there's a dipper hanging by the trough."

"Dipper?" the other boy asked seemingly surprised.

"Yeah, unless you want to use your hands," Analiese answered. "Don't worry, it's rain water and pretty fresh too."

"Don't you have indoor plumbing or running water?" asked the first boy looking somewhat troubled.

"Nope, sorry," replied Analiese. "What's your names?"

"Oh, sorry, I'm Fred and this is Mitchell," the first boy said introducing his companion.

"Hi, I'm Analiese. Pleased to meet you."

"Analiese? Well, that's a pretty name. Where did you get it?"

"My ma I think. She heard it once maybe."

"So you live here, right?" asked Fred.

"Yep, you guys hungry?"

"Well, yes, a little I guess."

"How about some antelope and beer? I got some meat dried on the clothesline. It'll taste a little smokey but that's just so the blow flies don't get all over it."

"Well, uh, I'm sure it's really great," said Fred. "Maybe Mitch would like to try it, right Mitch?"

"Uh, well,,,"

Mitch was scratching his ear and looking uncomfortable. "Actually, we don't drink alcoholic beverages."

"Really? Why's that?" asked Analiese.

"We keep the Word of Wisdom," replied Fred solemnly.

"The Word of what?"

"Uh, Wisdom. It teaches us to keep our bodies clean and pure."

"Hmmm, well whatever. What exactly is it you want anyways."

"We were supposed to visit with Elma Farthing. Is that your mother?"

"Yeah, that's her alright but she ain't here right now."

"Is your father here?"

"Nope, he's helping Mr. Randall build a corral and ma's probably cleaning the toilets."

"Oh, uh, I see. Well maybe we can visit with you awhile, Analiese."

"Sure, I guess. Let me get a beer okay? I'll bring you some water."

"I don't suppose you have any milk?" asked Mitch.

"Yeah, tomorrow morning when I milk the goat."

"Well, I guess I'll take some water then."

Analiese filled some cracked crockery cups with water and opened a can of beer. She set the cups in front of Fred and Mitch who had settled on the old couch with all the stuffing pushing out of it.

"Okay, so what do you want to talk about?" she asked after settling down on a willow stool.

"Well," said Fred, "I think we should pray first, don't you, Mitch?"

"Yes, Fred, would you lead us?"

"I sure will. Our heavenly father," he began, "We thank you for this day and the opportunity to get together with our red sister here in this humble abode. We ask that you bless her and her family that they might walk in your grace. We further ask that you grant our red sister the ears to hear our message of loving kindness for her eternal salvation. These many favors and blessings we ask in the name of Jesus Christ, our lord, Ay-men."

"Ay-men," echoed Mitch.

"Okay, cool. So what's next?"

"Well, we like to ask you a few questions," said Mitch.

"Okay, shoot."

"Do you believe in God?"

"Sure, doesn't everybody?"

"Well, not really, but do you believe that God gave His only begotten son to cleanse you of your sins?"

"Well, I don't know really. Does it matter?"

"Oh, yes, Analiese, it matters very much. You do want to be forgiven your sins, to be cleansed and made pure and innocent again don't you?"

"I didn't know I was dirty."

"All of us are consumed in the filth of our sinful natures."

"Uh... well maybe we need to talk about this some other time."

"Perhaps, you've heard this message before then?" asked Mitch.

"Yeah, I think so. I remember one person said I would be made pure and white and I thought that was sort of like bleaching in the sun, don't you think?"

"Well, it's only a metaphor, Analiese. Whiteness stands for purity and innocence," explained Fred. "Do you understand?"

"Sure," answered Analiese, "like the driven snow, right?"

"Yes, that's right, and God loves you Analiese. Did you know that?"

"Yes, God loves everybody and everything."

"Oh, no, Analiese. God doesn't love everything. God doesn't love sin and filth."

"Hmmm... where did you learn that?"

"From God's own Word, Analiese. Here let me show you."

Mitch handed Fred a book with a black cover and a gold angel embossed on one side.

"This is God's Word, Analiese, brought to these very shores by God's only begotten son that men might finally know God's will for time and eternity. Do you understand?"

"Probably not, but go on. I'm listening but I got chores to do before the folks get back."

With that Analiese began to do her chores while the boys followed her around the house, exhorting, correcting, praying and questioning. In time, it seemed, they grew weary as Analiese kept asserting that she didn't feel like she needed to be cleansed and if she did, she could always take a bath in the duck pond. She said this with a grin but the boys didn't seem to want to laugh or anything.

Finally Fred asked, "Analiese, we must go now but we would like to return next week to visit with you again. I think you're almost there, almost ready to accept salvation."

"You're probably right but I think I'll be dancing next week."

"Dancing?!!" asked Mitch, sounding somewhat annoyed.

"Yeah, there's going to be a fandago at Battle Mountain next week and I thought I'd go and dance a little."

"There's probably going to be a lot of drinking too, isn't there?" asked Fred who could barely disguise his revulsion.

"Yeah, always is and gambling too, the hand game, you know? Do you like to gamble or does that make you filthy too?"

"Gambling's a sin, Analiese," declared Fred with unconcealed self-righteousness.

"Well, to each his own, right? Anyways, if you boys want to tag along, I'm okay with it but I don't think you better come around when my folks are home. They don't like you talking about sin and filth so much."

"Yes, the elders are difficult to deal with sometimes," observed Mitch.

"Ain't it the truth," agreed Analiese, "but you should try to respect their wishes maybe?"

"Well, we've certainly enjoyed your hospitality, ANaliese, and we look forward to seeing you again soon whenever you feel like you're ready."

"Yeah, you're very kind, so see you around, and bye for now."

Analiese watched as the two boys mounted their bikes and peddled back between the ruts in the road. When they got over the hill, she followed on her pony. Concealed in some pinyons she watched as they took out their canteens and poured water over their hands then wiped them with papertowel they had kept in their daypacks. They then tossed the papertowels in the sagebrush and continued on their way.

"Why would anybody waste water like that," she wondered as she returned to her house.

Thank you.

You're welcome. What did you like about it?

You have (as I see it) captured in a wonderfully poetic and quiet way the disconnect that exists at the heart of every fundamentalist, the inability to move out of themselves to see anything other. In fact, the selfishness invisible to itself which too often is hiding behind a "helping" hand. And you've not been condemning of any particular group: are the missionaries Mormons? Probably not, they would have called each other Elder so-and-so. Jehovah's Witnesses? they don't really seem to be. It doesn't matter what church they speak for; they don't speak for or to who Analiese is. It left me feeling wonderfully bitter-sweet.

I can spot Mormon missionaries a mile off, that got those weird underwear. Never had one try to convert me though. I like the Jehovahs Witnesses. Back when I used to drink a lot more, I had an old man who used to come visit me on Sunday mornings and we'd go back in forth, thumbing through a worn copy of a bible I got teaching Sunday School to little kids when I was in High School. He was dying of a broken heart after losing his daughter and her two children in a car accident. I think it made him feel better to come out once a week and bash me with his beliefs. But I moved and haven't seen him since.

Actually they are LDS, which is the term they prefer to be called. They don't use "Elder" around us much I've noticed since people tend to giggle when boys barely old enough to go to college call each other "Elder".

I know they do it because it's a requirement for their priesthood which allows them to fully particpate in the congregation. So the motive is selfish to begin with. You can decide for yourself what other motivations they might have.

Is that your name now, Uncle Kyaa? Anhaga?

Well, maybe, Nelson, people with all the answers must search for the questions then?

"Oh, lookee! I have bright blue beads!"

"Those are very nice blue beads but I have some already."

"But I need your land!"

"So it's there."

"But I need it exclusively. You can't keep using it too."

"Why not?"

"Because I need it. I need what you have. Everything except your life. I don't need that. Get rid of it."

no, anhaga is Researcher 215480's new name.

Sorry, Anhaga. I got you confused with Uncle Kyaa because he uses the numbers too and I didn't read them very carefully.

Sad to think that I don't even have blue beads. Have you got any? And to my grave misfortune, I instead have to sell 30 years of my life to a bank to get 11,700 sq. ft. of land. Somehow this deck doesn't seen to have been stacked in my favor.
So what are the questions, beyond the obvious? Why aren't I in S.F. today? I apologize for my laziness. I could have driven up, but I was packing instead.

And to any of the fine members of the Latter day Saints I may have offended, I apologize for refering to you as Mormons. Is it true that the Book of Mormon contains an explanation for the dark skin of some humans as a mark that distiguished one tribe as disobedient and unfaithful to God? I heard that was why Blacks were banned from the church for so long, and that it was why the "other" races were banned from holding administrative positions in the church for so long. I'll stop, you know those wild athiests, always ready to point out the flaws in other peoples firmly held beliefs. Maybe we're bitter that we're incapable of believing in anything, makes it hard to answer those questions out there.

Oh, Nelson, give them a break. The Saints are just into being white. White shirts, white blouses, white underwear, white tablecloths. Even Jesus is white and sandy blonde too with blue eyes. I saw the picture. And Joseph Smith, Jr. was white and Brigham, Bless His White Little Heart, Young was white. So if you hang around long enough you might turn white too and think you're in a blizzard, a regular white-out. Anybody seen my goggles?

If you go into the Church headquarters in Salt Lake you can be dazzled by their multimedia presentations the Gospel according to Joe. It's very uplifting if you're Scots-English or Scandinavian I think.

But to be fair, they do allow blacks to hold the priesthood now. But they still persecute polygamists just to prove they've learned their lesson and are really more American than most Americans still. And they still like to encroach although they rely on emminent domain to do the dirty now days. It's easy when you control the government.

I just don't have too much use for some white people who diss them because it's like what are you? Baptist? Why that's an improvement isn't it, Jim Crow? Yeah, there aren't any polygamists in your family, which is probably why you're inbred. Just keep whupping your daughters so they don't tell the parson.

The only really white person I ever meant wasn't a Saint. He was Lutheran I think from Minnesota, and incredibly arrogant too. He was albino and couldn't see very well, but he'd overcome that handicap and had little sympathy for others as a result. He did have one redeeming feature. He was darn good little league baseball coach. Being half blind, he tended to remember things better than most people so baseball was hardly the mystery for him that it is for most people.

Which only goes to show practically everybody has some redeeming feature, although sometimes it's a little hard to figure out what it is. Even atheists.

What can you diss about an atheist? Darned if I know. I guess you could criticize them for not believing but then would unbelief be a belief? Would faithlessness be a faith? Maybe we shouldn't go there.

Sorry, they're just such an easy target. It's like the worst elements of Christianity were distilled and a little hatred for our fellow man and woman was thrown in, and they called it a religion. No wonder the whole road from the East coast to Utah was such a blood bath. I am sorry for anyone who is forced to interact with them, including myself.
On a lighter note, I can knock athiests for you easy. What is redeeming about a person who refuses to acknowledge the possibility that someone or something is ultimately in charge of everything. Athiesm is just a cheap excuse to do whatever you want, and then place the blame for all the world's shortcomings on the religions that are actually trying to get it together long enough to do the right thing for a change. It's easy to poke holes in other people's beliefs when you don't even have one.
No, this just sounds like fun to me, maybe it is hard to diss athiests. So I guess i'll have to put myself out there and have a belief of some kind. What I believe in is personal responsibility. Everyone on the planet capable of understanding how the planet functions as a self contained system, should be responsible to leave it in as close to state as is possible. Because once we mess it all up, God will not show up to make us a new one, or make sure our grandchildren are taken away, or our future incarnations are preserved. But we should do it because we are a part of it, and are not going to escape to another planet or plane of existance. Even if we could there will always be things and creatures we will leave behind that we would not want to see come to harm by our actions. So if that's a religion out there I will sign up and begin tithing immediately.

Glory halleluyah, he has seen the light! Praise the lord, and pass the plate, so our blessed brother can contribute a love offering to the cause!

"Always get the money upfront," she advised. "Otherwise, when the bill comes due, they'll weasel out of it. They're proud of it too. They say they'd rather sneak with the weasels than soar with the eagles because weasels never get sucked into jet engines. That's what they say. I heard it once."

I'd make a terrible weasel. My dogs would rip me apart.

Well, I suppose you could eat your Wheaties and grow up to be a wolverine. Your dogs might be more polite then.

I have a dog buried in my backyard that was named Kavik, after the Inuit (sp?) word for wolverine. She died about five years ago.

By the way, she was 16 at the time of her death, so I came up with it before the Disney movie came out.

Most things are come up with before the Disney movies come out because the Disney people like to wait for the copyrights to runout. Then they change everything to suit their whims, which makes you wonder why they bothered waiting.

The original author would hardly recognize her or his work, except for the title maybe. This is probably how entire generations of American children grow up with rather detorted views of the so-called Classics.

That and Walt Disney was an FBI informant who was responisble for the blacklisting of many of his enemies in the entertainment industry. I can't even type a sentence without getting really annoyed at the thought of him. I just want to take his cryogenically frozen head and use in as fishbait off the pier in Ventura.
I was discussing with someone about what age children should be when you stop hiding the reality of the world from them. What do you think? Should it be from the day they can understand language, or when they are teenagers, or let them discover for themselves and just be apolitical around them? By the reality I mean, the real reasons for wars and racism and inequitable wealth distribution and the inhumanity of limited liability corporations. Stuff like that.