h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

There's only one thing worse than kids. And that's other people's kids.

I've come to terms with my own kids. It's just a matter of time really. Learning to accept that they're there, and that they're not going away for years and years and years. It was tough at first, but I did it. We've found a way of living around each other. Conflicts break out occasionally, but on the whole there's a wary kind of Live and Let Live atmosphere. I suppose you could say we've grown accustomed to each other over the years.

This is where the trouble starts. Kids attract other kids. Wherever we go, to the park, to the shop, to the beach, kids come flocking out of doorways, from behind trees, in groups of two or three, the magnetic force becoming stronger and stronger until there is a huge squabble of children questioning and prodding and complaining.

This kind of thing never happens when you're childless. When I was young and free of responsiblilties, I wasn't constantly interrupted by the offspring of strangers, asking stupid questions about why my nails are that colour or whether I owned a Gamecube.

So kids attract other kids, even into the privacy of my own home. Privacy! Hah! So now, after a particularly vicious attack of other people's kids, I have a perma-scowl, an empty fridge, experience of dealing with a cleptomaniac, and worst of all, a broken bed.

A broken bed! Not my bed of course. That's still in the restricted zone. There is still a restricted zone. I'm not sure how much longer I can hold it. Their numbers are increasing all the time, and my strength is failing.

Wooh! Heav-ee...
I sympathise, I guess. A bed is not good. I remember getting mad once about slices of toast in a VCR, but bed-breakers are presumably old enough to know better.
You met Hermione, Miles and Leo, by any chance?
Anyhow, here's one of those bog-brushes they thoughtfully provide for such occasions
Pin

Thanks, Pin. A good thick blast of sympathy is just what I need.

I didn't think I had anything much left in the house that was really breakable. Most things were destroyed back in the toddler years, and I'm just left with a few, fairly robust items. It's amazing the damage that a determined 10 year old can muster.

This evening I've been searching for my inner serenity, and I'm returning to my customary state of stoic calm. I have the company only of children of my own making. They're giving all of their attention to their Gamecube, and I'm giving all of my attention to my PC, so everything is exactly as it should be.

I love these happy family evenings together, and we should make the most of it. Tomorrow we will busy be shopping for a new bed.

Hmmm. I meant "be busy", but I suppose "busy be" has a more poetic ring.

I forgot to ask about Hermione, Miles and Leo.

Have you noticed how hootoo has a kind of collective consciousness about it sometimes? Different Researchers write things that echo similar themes, but they do it independently and around the same time.

H, M and L aren't real and their bed-breaking exploits aren't recorded, but they're certainly "Other People's Kids".
They live here - A975350
and they came about like this - F111985?thread=248883#p3010531

...and I'm not suggesting that you're in any way like the narrator, BTW! Just offered as a bit of fun...

I can dimly remember some of my own childhood exploits. The adverb's appropriate. On one occasion, an upright piano suddenly wasn't any more. On another occasion, the family spent an anxious weekend as a doctor pondered whether a neighbour's child would need eye-surgery. I put my own brother in hospital, through a blow to the head with a toy banjo.

Fortunately there was no lasting damage, unless you count what Bro' grew up like. But I think of the standards I set myself whenever kids are getting on my wick. So far, no present-day oik has behaved so badly towards me.

Stay a Busy Be, yeah?
Pin

I also sympathise. The problem with children is that they are faulty. They leak at both ends and make a funny noise when turning sharp corners.

Dear Cleo
I once woke up on Easter Saturday in Lesotho to find fourteen children sharing my waterbed; only two of them were mine. Hang in there, though. In their teens and early twenties my sons' friends did most of the DIY in our house, including putting together a fitted kitchen. Now they pass through Hong Kong on their way to OZ or wherever, cooking and providing good liquor and generally enriching my life.

Thanks for the sympathy Dr Funderlik. Yes, there do seem to be quite a few design faults. They make a funny noise in almost any situation, are not very responsive at speed, and rather expensive to run.

Wandrin Star has made me realise I've been getting off light. The maximum number of children I think I've had in the house at any one time is 7. And I'm certainly glad that I haven't had any junior Pinnipeds around the place, attempting to hospitalise any available minor in the area. I always thought those seal pups looked so cute, too.

I checked out Hermione, Leo and Miles. Another lovely piece of writing, Pin. I fully empathise with the narrator. Well, I certainly would have done a couple of days ago anyway. We've ordered a new bed, so that's dealt with. For now, at least until the self-assembly flat pack and the credit card bill arrive, I'm feeling slightly more generous. My daughter has called all her friends to tell them about her new hi-sleeper with workstation underneath, and told them they have to come and see it when it arrives. Well, yeah, OK, I suppose they have to.

Tomorrow, for a couple of hours, my children will be in other people's houses, and I will be in the pub. Some days it all works out.

Pinniped, while I was following your links I read Seven Years On. There's not much I can say except that it's a really wonderful and affecting entry; and that I wish I could give you something, like a flower or something. Know what I mean?

here. i think you need it more than me. hope the new bed arrived ok. as a childfree(hurrah)20something, edging closer to 3-0 than i'd like, i can offer only sympathy and the hope that one day, like me, they will leave home!
xx

Thanks Daraline, I'm always ready for a .

I thoroughly approve of your stance on self-denial. Stay childfree as long as you can, as it makes self-indulgence so much easier.

Hey Cleo

You're the best.

Thanks Pinniped. You're the best too.

*not often I get a from a deity*

Guess what, Cleo?

I just spent the afternoon fixing Verminette's broken bed.

Benefit of doubt conceded. She insists there was no bouncing involved, but the report of damage was noticeably sheepish and submitted about ten minutes after her friend arrived.

Good as new, now, though. We hope.

Probably just deserts for the crit way back at the beginning there. These things come to us all in the end, yeah?

Pin

Sorry to hear about the damage but happy that I'm not alone.

The details of the incident here were initially veiled in secrecy, but forunately there was a spy in the camp. Apart from my own two children there were two other friends in the room at the time, and the innocent one wanted to make sure that I was absolutely clear about who'd done what. Anyway, they're both really well behaved when they come round now.

I keep meaning to ask you what's happened to Dreamer. I've not seen much sign of her for a while now. Does she still drop in here?

She lurks, but she hasn't Posted in a long time. I think her usual method is to lurk without logging in, so she's totally invisible.
She comments in RL on a lot of stuff here, though, so I wouldn't be surprised if she got write-active again.
It's up to her. Busy life, GCSE's next year etc. More going for he than boring old Dad; let's hope so anyway!
Pin
(Oh, Hi, Scrofulina...you reading this too? Oops, wasn't supposed to mention GCSE's was I? )

That's the thing with teenagers. They've still got lives, and loads of better ways to spend their time, apart from those nasty GCSEs.