h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

European Cup Final comes tae Glesga. Thae obviously didnae waant tae risk rae soburr forrinners damagin' baith oor good stadiums so rae played ra gemme it Hampden.

Anyway, never mind ra stadium, result inawrat, ra main news isritt ah wiz finally back oanra Buckie efter a brekka four days thanks tae some kindly stranger in George Squerr Ah resistit ra temptation tae waash it doon wi' vodka ris time, innit ferr didra bisniss.

Six o'cloak inra punters inra Squerr stertit splittin' up in driftin' away. Ra Spanish in German punters headit fur Hampden (ah hope rae wurr warnt tae take a perra binoculars wirrem tae watch ra gemme), inra Scoatish wans headit furra pubs so uzz no tae interrupt ra bevvyin'.

Efter ra pubs shut, ah took a kerry-oot up tae ra Squerr, in opint ma first boatle. Ah hid swalleyed aboot hauf ae it when a big f****n' polis comes up in takes it aff me, "No drinking in public places", he sayed. Ah turnt aroon' in looked in nearly evry c**t wis huvvin' trouble understaunin' ris law, cos rae wurraw swallyin' like Titanic passenjirrs. In jist ren sumurra punter wanders by kerryin' a CASE a Stella. Noo that's whit a call some c**t takin' ra pish oota ye. Ah well, it least it wis only a lager, in no a boatilla Buckie.