h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I *know* I am very, very lucky to have the two beautiful sons that I do have. I also know that this is going to sound self-indulgent to those of my friends who, despite trying and desperately wanting one have been unable to have any children, so I apologise to them. Don't think for a second that I don't know how lucky I am, and don't think I am not grateful for my lot.

Having said all that, I am beginning to get obsessive about the prospect (or lack of one) of having baby #3. I can't help but feel like there is a place for another child in our family and the drive to have one creates a kind of internal clamouring that can be hard to ignore. I stare at bumps, and newborns, and look into prams. I fight the urge (because I remember how weird it is when people do it) to touch the bumps of my pregnant friends.

I count my blessings but the two biggest ones serve to underline what my body seems to be telling me I need and haven't got. I know what I am missing, the good and the bad. My head can come up with dozens of reasons why not, why it wouldn't work, why it isn't the right time...none of which make any difference to how I feel about it.

Maybe if there were some physical barrier then I would accept that we are as complete a family as we will ever be, but the barrier is simply that J doesn't want any more children. He says no and I am not the kind of woman to have a deliberate 'accident', so I carefully and dutifully do the things that go against what I *really* want.

I am sure this constant nagging ache is nothing compared to the pain of the feelings of those who want them but cannot have children at all, but it is real and painful nonetheless.

I have no idea how to resolve this. Seems unlikely J will change his mind - I think in a way the little bit of hope is what is slowly driving me batty. Perhaps I should send him for the snip so at least it is a final decision.

If he doesn't want the next child, perhaps he should be the one who protects against it, rather than you?

I can't say I know what you are going through - I was ready for a baby, along came J and I never had another urge in the direction. But I have a friend who went through it, to the extent she deliberately stopped taking the pill and pretended it was an accident. The second pregnancy her partner went and got the snip, and I know what she was going through when she wanted a second one. In her mind it was about not being seen as a slag by making sure she had 2 kids by the same father! Too much Jeremy Kyle if you ask me...

Don't feel guilty about what you want, but having also seen you worry about not being supermum when the school makes ridiculous demands, is it possibly also about 3 babies meaning it would be time for you to give up work?

When my mum was a childminder the 3rd baby *always* meant goodbye to the world of work, as childcare was too expensive for 3.

I don't think it is about giving up work, not for cost reasons anyway. At this point #3 would be coming along just as the childcare costs drop off - t'other would be starting school while I'd be on mat leave. Although I hate hate hate my job, I do appreciate the fact that it gives me time without the children when I can be a non-nmummy adult.

I keep thinking of things that might be causing these feelings to try to rationalise them away. All the stuff I come up with is kind of plausible, but none of it feels right enough to make the feelings go away (am I looking for more unconditional love, do I want to quit work, am I just looking for *any* change, do I want a break from trying to make my body look right).

Actually one of the fears is that if I *did* have #3, would I then start hankering for #4? What then, it could be never ending (well, until nature steps in).

I don't know that I want him to be responsible for preventing any more children, as his approach would be of the snippy final kind. Like I say though, maybe it is the hope that is killing me.

Maybe I should get a cat.

Didn't you used to have some dogs?

In all seriousness your bairns are getting to the kind of age where maybe havin a pet would be good for them, we got a family dog in the end as folks happier about me and my brother being off on our own in the park and that when we had a dog with us.

Maybe a bit of puppy action owuld make oyu feel better for a bit?

FB

We did have dogs, and rehomed them because of t'Boy's wheeze that he developed, and the fact that we were out too much of the day for it to be fair to have them. Cats don't need quite as much time, so maybe one of them, but J's excema flares up around them, so probably not.

We have the chickens, but they aren't quite the same despite that t'Boy keeps picking them up to kiss them

to be honest the first thing I thought was: what the heck are you thinking, Kelli? You have so much stress in your life already.

I still get bump envy sometimes, then I remember how much i absolutely hated having small children around, and how much I have enjoyed my occasional nights out recently and I think: stuff it. (I'm just about too old now anyway)

It's a big decision though. And if you have a baby when your #2 is starting school that's quite a big gap.

I know! and rather than this feeling going away it is getting bigger and deeper. You'd think, given how miserable I often am, that I'd be put off. Other women say similar - they 'just knew' that they were done, or a particularly troublesome child dissuaded them from wanting any more. Doesn't seem to work for me!

they're not troublesome enough then...

in which case: print this thread and look at it when they are running rings around you next time...

Perhaps I think I'll get a better-behaved one next time?

I used to think I wanted another one to see if I can finally get birth right.

*sigh*

ah, hun, you know it's different every time

This feeling used to be hormone-linked, ie for about half the month it ws there but the other half I could ignore it. Now it is all the damn time. Doesn't help that some of my friends have started having #3s now...

This has become almost a daily row now! Found out yesterday that he thinks I want another baby just so I can have a year off work .

I just wish this bloody urge would go away! Am I going to have this nagging at me until I hit menopause? Maddening when the only thing stopping me is my husband thinking another child would be too much hassle, and my own integrity (considering the number of people who have advised me to just have my coil taken out). *sigh*

Oh Kelli!

I have no words of wisdom, as I have never been in your situation, but it sounds like a pig of a situation to be in.

I agree that getting your coil taken out is just asking for him to stop trusting you, bu I worry that this divide in attitudes is going to drive a wedge between you. Perhaps a mediation service might help? If he thinks it's because of work he clearly doesn't understand your real reason, and it might need a neutral party to help explain it. Plus, he might have ,ore reasons himself that he needs help to explain.

With a newborn niece and a nephew on the way I have a little bit of bump envy too, which is totally normal! However, we've decided that although it would be nice for J to have a wee brother/sister to boss around, we're happy the way we are.

If your hubby really doesn't want to have another child, I think it would be best to go with his wishes. As you already know, babies take a lot of work and you have two lovely boys already so if I were in your shoes I'd settle with two. That gives you the advantage of giving them the extra attention you'd wouldn't be able to with a third child

Is it the actual bump you want, or is it a baby in the house? My cousin used to take in foster babies for a while, newborns, up to a year old, I think. She'd care for them for a while, until they were placed in their adoption families.
Of course, she was a stay home mum anyway, so that made the logistics better.

It is a bigger family I want. I like our home best when it is full and bustling and lots going on. J prefers it to be quiet, still, and to be able to get on with one-person hobbies. We are never going to resolve this, it is a fundamental mismatch.

It isn't really the bump I want, or the small baby! J barely tolerates his own kids, I can't see him wanting to foster although I wouldn't mind.

Oh. It does sound like a mismatch. I'm sorry for you.