h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

Hitchhiker's guide to the English-speaking universe

Frequently-asked questions about Galactic English

Question: I am confused about the role of the English language in the universe. Everyone speaks English in the science fiction movies and television shows that I watch, but whenever I leave the house to go shopping in the supermarket, my ears are bombarded with Chinese, Spanish, Hindi, indeed everything EXCEPT English. Why Is Earth the only planet in the cosmos where English is not in common use?

Answer: We asked The Inter-Galactic Board of Language Enforcement (IGBOLE, for short) to rule on your question, and they assured us that your ears must be deceiving you. Either that, or these non-English-speaking beings that you hear are from another universe (which is by definition impossible, but we must humor them until they
come to their senses).

Question: Can nothing be done to persuade these beings that English is the only valid way to communicate?

Answer: IGBOLE has set up a pilot program to ferry non-English-speaking people--200 million at a time--to 100,000 different planets for intensive English lessons. We think that they will WANT to learn English, because there would be no other valid reason for them to have left their own universe for ours. Or, if they erred by coming here, they will see their error as soon as the lessons begin.
Of course, if IGBOLE's first theory is correct (that these beings don't, in fact, exist), then it will hard to ship them anywhere. But the bright side of this eventuality is that they are harmless to everyone except you. If we can persuade you that you don't exist either, IGBOLE's job will be whole lot easier.