h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

So. Here I am. It's 00:50, nearly four hours into Liberation Day, the day I defy my parents, and do what *I* want to do - even if it is just for the one night. One night only, where I am with friends, doing what I enjoy doing, in a place I like. I'd paid £15 to be there, it was supposed to be Helios' first real endurance test run.

Only...I'm not there. Instead, I am alone, not doing anything I enjoy, in a place I hate with a vengance. At 22:45, my Mum rang me on my mobile. She was damn near crying, and begging me to come home. The grace period was from 21:00, for us to get our machines running on the network properly, and from 22:00 till 09:00, was supposed to be gaming time, so I'd only been going for 45 min, tops.

There are two things I really hate. The pathetic cowards who use emotional blackmail, and the pathetic cowards who give in to it.

Flashback:
Before I went, my Mum catagoricaly told me, many times, that she would not be lying to my Dad about this, and she would not be covering up for me. "Fine", I'd said, "I don't expect you to. If there's a problem, I'll deal with it."

Back to the present:
Turns out she went back on that, and lied to my Dad. She said I'd gone out for a meal with friends from work. Now she needed me back home before Dad rang, so that if he asked to speak to me, I'd be there. So it seems that having told me repeatedly that she would not under any circumstances be covering up for me - I was now being told that I had to cover up for *her* - having told a lie that I'd told her not to, and she'd told me she'd refuse to do.

She then bawled on about how Dad would shout, and how it's so unfair that I've decided to rebel only 3 months from me going to Uni, and why couldn't I have done smaller stuff when I was 13 instead of now (because I was too busy being pushed in front of cars at school Mum - I know you still deny that over half that stuff ever happenend, but that's why.) I put forward my case, and she (said that she) agreed with me (now I'm at home of course, there is a completely different story), and that she would let me out more.

Anyway - just like the pathetic snivelling coward I am, I gave in.

I have the legal rights of an 18 year old, and the freedom of a 7 year old. Theoretically, with my vote - I can affect this country's future history. However, in reality I can't even affect the course of where I go and what I do during any given day.

One thing SEF suggested in reply to my previous journal entry, was going to a family councillor or something. Problem is - 99% of the time, they don't even believe that there's a problem, and none of us really believe in councillors.

What is the bloody point. I'm bloody well damned if I do, damned if I don't. I have a choice between living hell...and living hell. I'm not even allowed to have the night off occasionally. I don't know what to do. There's nothing. What do you do, if you can do nothing?

Rot.

Firstly, remember this: you're still alive, and I'm still alive, and we've still got each other; so it really *isn't* the end of the world. I have a hard time convincing *myself* of that one sometimes, but its really important to remember that life goes on, and things do change, but not always when we're expecting them to. I don't believe in fate, or some pre-ordained path, but I do believe in the certaintly of change. And I do believe that problems don't last forever - they may mutate into other problems, but one day, you'll be able to look back, and say "I survived that. I got through it, and it ran its course."

Secondly, it sounds like things - as ever - are complicated. You're NOT a coward: you stuck to your guns and turned up, and that took a *lot* of courage in the first place. Your Mum, perhaps, *was* a coward, because she couldn't face telling your Dad the truth. But then, knowing your Dad, I can sort of see what she was afraid of. So is it all his fault, even though he never so much as knew about it? Well, sort of: it's complicated. My point being, that it doesn't really make sense to say that *you* "failed" - it didn't work out the way you hoped, and that's a shame. That's an absolutely enormous understatement, I know, but I think it's a marginally better way of thinking of such situations.

As for what to do now, you've got two options, it seems to me: 1) Wait and see how things fall into place; see if you're Mum lives up to her word; know that it'll all *have* to change come October anyway, cos you're going to Uni. See if your Mum's sorry for what she's put you through, and tries to make amends, and deal with her own issues.
Or 2) Tackle the whole thing head on: tell your parents that you want to do your own thing, and that you don't want to be caught up in the struggles of *their* relationship any longer. See if you can convince them that there *is* a problem. And don't go knocking counsellors: my Mum's one you know; they're not magic, but it's more effective than banging each other against brick walls (or something I think).

Of course, if (1) gets too hard, you can have a stab at (2), and if (2) fails, you can carry on with (1) - which makes the whole of my advice seem suddenly rather pointless. I'm good at that, it seems: giving advice that sounds good, but means little, and completely failing to live by anything resembling it myself. Sorry about that...

"Some people like my advice so much that they frame it upon the wall instead of using it."
--Gordon R. Dickson

Still alive. It doeesn't feel like it most the time. However - you're right, we do still have each other, so there's still some hope...somewhere. I don't think I beleive in fate, but my extreme jammieness thought life, means I belive in someting. I just don't know what it is yet.

Problems: Yeah. I think when I get out of here (get to Salford) things MIGHT turn around - but I don't know. I've a horrible feeling that they're going to move (Mum's been talking about it for years), or be sending me e-mails, letters, phonecalls etc. every day and expect me to spend all my time replying. Mum says she's ready for it in September, but I don't believe it.

Yeah - I showed. Yeah, that took all my courage in the first place, but without my Dad knowing made it a lot easier. Of course this left me with no reserves when the emotional blackmail came flying thick and fast. I would have taken all the flak in the world just to have the social life of a 12 year old for one night (yes - there were 12 year olds there!). I'm 18. I'm suposed to be an adult. Would they rather I was in a pub starting fights? Would they rather I was in a club taking drugs? Or would they rather I was in a gaming centre...playing computer games in a nice spacious environment with friends, food and drink all easily on hand, the only danger being the faint cigarette cloud over the sofa area? "We'd rather you were reasonable" she said. I can't win.

Apparently I'm suposed to be grateful that they let me go to church and brass band practice and hang around with a load of retired old men. Apparently - seeing my friends all day at college should be plenty. They're not even in the same classes as me, and now we've not even got ANY classes - so I don't see them at all now.

Mum's already breaking her word - you should have seen it when I told her about the h2g2 summer meet. She's not really sorry - never will be. It's like I said that night - I had no doubt that she meant it then, when she said it, but the next morning would probably be entirely different. It was. Still is.

I can't wait till October. I'm breaking up stuck in here. I'm sleeping even less than usual, and I'm damn near overdosing on coffee on a daily basis to try to stay awake during the day to revise! I need out, now. It's just all built up for so long, and seeing year 7 kids with more freedom than me just keeps hitting me harder and harder. I'm so fed up about it, I bearly *want* to go out any more incase I see more kids wnadering around doing what they like. even my younger broher is allowed more freedom than me. He was allowed to go the his school dinner & dance, he's allowed out at friends till 23:00 - My bloody curfew is 22:00 for hells' sake! He's allowed to make his own way home from the cinema at 22:30 etc. It just rubs it in and rubs it in.

Tackle the whole thing had on? What, and have bloody Vesuvius again? No thanks methinks. Even so - I've been trying to subtlely point out that there's a problem for years. No effect. They just can't see it - which I suppose is okay for them. For me however...

I wasn't knocking councilors. Just my parents are quite vocal about how they don't belive in them (just as they don't believe in depression, flu, illness, homelesness etc! Really!) and I've never quite felt comfortable with the idea. Don't know why. Even so - if they don't believe there's a problem, they're not going to be taken to a councillor are they.

I love you IM. One day - we'll escape from this crap I call my life, and just be us. I love you.

I think that what you did was a great step into the right direction.
* You did what you wanted, i.e. did not care what your mother would tell your dad and thereby disregarded a threat
* You did what you wanted, i.e. takle the laptop out of the house, which you are not supposed to do, IIRC
* You did what you wanted, i.e. go to the LAN party (I suppose that that's what it was ... what were you playing?)
* You did what you wanted, i.e. you stayed out past your curfew

Can't see how one could call you the looser of this encounter. Just the fact that you came home much earlier than planned and probably a little earlier than expected cannot ruin these archivements. Going out for an all-nighter will not be aarchieved in a day (sorry, bad pun), you will have to learn to walk before you can fly.



Good on ya!

I'm a loser in this - not because of the fact I went home early in itself, but because I gave in to one of the things I despise most in life. Emotional blackmail. I shouldn't have given in - and already knowing that my Mum would go back on what she said - I really should have known better.

For the record, I'd just got connected, and started in a pretty neat game of Unreal Tournament 2003, on the Tokara Forest map - very cool! Helios was running like a dream, and I was getting a ping of about 40!!! With Jolt Cola and Pot Noodle available - I was getting dug in for a good night. Instead I ended up at home, arguing with my Mum, knowing that there were 12 year olds at that event (2/3 my age!) who had more freedom than me.

It really gets on top of me at times.

I've been through much the same, though with rather different circumstances. Eventually, this culminated in my mother chucking me out, and I went to live with my dad. This was four years ago. Things are still not exactly right between us, but they're better. I think when you go to university, you'll find things are better. There will (hopefully) be distance, and most universities have very good counselling services, so even if your parents don't believe in them, you could talk things through with someone, which is often useful.

I wouldn't suggest that you stretch the boundaries too far, but maybe point out the possible consequences of your parents' treatment of you. Trying to cosset you and keep you as close as possible to them may end up only pushing you away. Maybe when you're at university, only phone them once a week or something. I don't know.

At any rate: good luck...

"only phone them once a week or something"

You're either chronically homesick or extremely keen on your parents: mine are lucky to hear from me once a month! But maybe that says more about *my* family than anyone else's

I think phoning once a week is a good compromise target (especially from their current stifling behaviour). I had a phone budget specifically for this and my mother understood that once the coins ran out each time that was it. It was a good non-negotiable objective measure (after the initial setting of conditions) but it probably wouldn't apply in these days of mobile phones.

In contrast, my 2 siblings were back nearly every weekend from university in order to have their washing done. That was because they were inherently lazy and hadn't gone far enough away in the first place! It wasn't because they were in any way more attached emotionally to home/parents.

I suggested once a week because I was under the impression that Lifson's parents would be particularly keen on keeping tabs on her...

> Eventually, this culminated in my mother chucking me out, and I went
> to live with my dad. This was four years ago. Things are still not
> exactly right between us, but they're better.

I wish my Mum would chuck me out! Get me some kind of freedom! Chucking me out to my Dad's would be even worse though!!! He makes my Mum look liberal and easy-going! I think it will be a long time before my parents accept that I'm an adult and my own person, instead of just an extention of themselves. My parents are the kind of people (true story!) who got rid of the dishwasher, because the kids were old enough to do it!!!

The idea of councillors is something I've never been over comfortable with myself, although I'll try anything once. Pouring everyting out to someone face-to-face is something I don't find easy with people I know, never mind a complete stranger.

Pouring it into the large, faceless, aether of the Internet of course, is very different. I know that if I put it on here, people who find it boring and don't care, will just ignore it. People who have advice, or generally give half a damn, might stop by and talk. A councillor doesn't have that option, they're stuck there whether they think you're a very intreaguing case, or just a time-wasting attention-seeker. I don't want to sit there and try to sort my head and my life out with someone who's just humouring me in the hope that I'll go away soon.

> maybe point out the possible consequences of your parents' treatment of you.

Tried that. Tried that over and over again. Tried pointing out the fact that I have never been out enough to develop any sense of direction (IM can vouch for that one! Remember the Winter meet?) IO've tried pointing out that I don't have any social life, so don't have any chance to develop any kind of social skills. I'm still barely allowed in the kitchen, so I can't cook

My parents are partcularly interested in keeping tabs on me, you're right. That's why they wanted me to either stay at home of head up to Manchester. I'm going to be in Salford, nearly all my Mum's siblings are in Stockport (~10 min by train). It's just as well I like Salfod and found a cool course - they kept on "pointing out the advantages" (translation: having a go at me) if I started looking at other places!!! Oh well. As long as I'm 290 miles away from them, themselves, I'm happy. Even Mum's family think she's over the top, so we've already been conspiring to get me a bit of freedom and quiet!!!

Salford does have some nice features. I have relatives there as well. As long as your relatives aren't going to be exactly like your parents by proxy then you shouldn't have a problem merely being near them. I had relatives nearby for some of the time I was at university and I rarely saw them at all. But then I've always been very independent, even from being a baby.

.. I've been lurking sometime, and I should have composed a reply by now, but here goes in retrospect anyway.. ().. I think that some parents must just be wired strangely.. I've never had good relations with my parents (stress never; I can empathise with what happened to you because it's similar to my parents' behaviour most of the way through my upbringing.. ), but as far as being chucked out is concerned, this is not a good thing.

As you probably noticed at the wintermeetup in january, Nyssabird was in england for two weeks, and in the care of me. Two days after she arrived, my parents threw her and I out of their (and my!) house after having previously agreed to look after her (They treated us both pretty abominably in a lot of different ways and still owe me a fair amount of money, but anyways..) - I ended up moving to the states *months* in advance of when I'd intended and on only a few days notice as a result of the unbearable way in which they continued to treat me after realising that I wasn't going to stop doing the things which they didn't want me to do which prompted them (I suppose) to treat me as they did..

..none of which really helps, but I suppose it might be at least a teensy bit comforting to know that there are other less-than-fluffy parents out there. ..

But nevertheless.. it sucks that you're treated so badly. .. I'm sorry.

- njan

My parent's wouldn't chuck me out for anything. Quite the opposite, they'd keep me in even more than they do at the moment!!! Sorry to hear that you've had a rough time with your parents too. I wouldn't wish my parents on anyone, so I feel for anyone who's been though the same thing.

That's darned cruel treatment to throw you out when Nyssabird had just arrived, especially as you seem to have consulted them beforehand! Eeesh! Looks like you got though the situation okay though. You must have been very lucky to have the means to go elsewhere at such short notice.

Looks like you've had exactly the same problem I've got. The more you do to try to break free of their over the top restraints, the more they treat you badly and give you hell. With me, it just gets to the point where I just can't take the pressure any more, so I give in. It took real guts to move over to the US at all in my opinion, but the situation with your parents must have made it harder, and in the same way, made you more determined to do it at the same time. Congratulations for getting out. I hope you're very happy over there with Nyssabird. When times get rough, it'll always be helpful to look back and imagine if you were back at home. I think that's how I'll be looking at things in Salford.

And don't be sorry - it's not your fault, it's their's. They won't accept that they can be wrong, about anything, they don't consider anyone else's feelings but their own, and they're the kind of people who (true story!) threw out a perfectly good, working, nearly new, dishwasher, as soon as the kids got big enough to reach the kitchen sink.

Ho hum. 96 days till I start Uni. Not that I'm counting or anything. That's 2324 hours, or 139478 minutes, or 8368710 seconds....

"96 days till I start Uni"

Are we going to get a reliable countdown this time?

Incidentally, have you checked what sort of internet access you will have? I suspect most universities have better access for all students these days (certainly than most private citizens) but unless it is convenient to your lodgings it may change your login times. Then of course there's the novel idea of attending lectures.

Ethernet in your room at university is a BAD THING. Witness the fact that I am posting on h2g2 when I should be revising for my exam tomorrow morning.

I don't think the internet can be blamed for all prevarication. You might be reading an unrelated book, watching TV, playing a computer game or any number of other things instead of revising.

Hopefully you've done enough preparation in advance though. Some people say that last minute revision (unless it is literally minutes before the exam) is of little value.

Countdown is till 21:00 22nd September 2003. I'm hoping that my parents will have buggered off by then, if not, they'll probably be sleeping on my floor. Then they'll decide they like it, then they'll have control of me forever...

Agggggggggggggh!!!!!!

No! No! Can't happen! Mustn't happen. No!

Mmmmm...Ethernet... Better than the supposedly 56k connection I've got at the moment!!! Download UT2003 maps and skins in a flash!!! I've got some very nice ones at the moment actually! Agent Smith rocks!!!

(Yes, my current social life status consists of taunting the Bots in a computer game, and going to work. Damn.)