h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I put a new cover on the seat my office chair today, because the fabric had worn through in places. When I turned it over to staple the new fabric in place, I saw a sign that said, in many languages, "do not attempt to repair or replace".

The bit about the repairs I can understand - the manufacturers want to make money, after all - but the replacing? Are my chair and my behind mated for life? In that case, I'd have put a bit more care and money into picking one! Something in leather, with armrests, perhaps...

*looks around surreptitiously*

I think your secret is safe here.

I'm not quite sure I undrstand. Maybe it contains asbestos which will evade when you replace it?

for refurbishing your chair and the manufacturer's!

Thought for a moment you'd either become glued to something or betrothed

Maybe it's just one of those silly health and safety messages.

You have to bring in an expert to make the repairs

And an expert to replace the chair? Hey, maybe that can be my job some day!

Madam Mala, Expert Upholsterer and Furniture Replacer.

(Offices A Speciality)

It's much like the standing joke in the US about people (my mother was one of them) who refused to rip those tags off the mattresses that said in big letters DO NOT REMOVE.

Ah, yes, I've seen those jokes, with SWAT teams bursting through the windows and dropping through the roof...

You got it.

So many of us were condemned never to enjoy our mattresses and sofa cushions...because of the tags...

Some of us were just rebels and tore 'em off anyway.

*hides behind the settee in case the Tag-Police are signed-in*

This from somebody who was afraid of the ice-cream man.

What, Nick, too?

Sorry, confused. Who's Nick?

The person who made post 11?

Nope, no fear of Ice Cream Men here. In my day, we didn't have them ... just chipped a hunk of ice off of the nearest receding glacial mass.

Good for you...my bad, it was Mala who suffered from pagotoanthropophobia...

Pagotoanthropophobia? You made that up!

Of course I did...

I doubt anybody ever needed that word before.

Just as all the best psychs do.