h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I know it's weird but come here.

You can't leave because of your cat and job. I can't leave because of kids and job but come here. Permanently if you want to.

I could do with some Mogie teachings.

Big kiss.

Alex.

GB, there's a lot of love flowing all ways amongst us. I'm so sorry to hear how fragile your dad has become.

I never quite made it out of bed on Sunday, was in such a funk and so tired from the accumulation of wakeful nights the last few weeks I just never made coffee or got dressed. However, I had a feeling my Sunday was going to go that way so I picked up a stash of documentaries to watch, just in case.

All of them were good and there was one that was mind-opening amazing. Y'all must rent it: "What the Bleep Do We Know?" It's about quantum physics and the possibilities that are present in our lives. It's also about the power of thoughts--ideas, and how an idea can actually create physical realities, just by being thunk. As a film it's bizarre, starts as interviews with scientists and doctors, there's a story line, some kinda surreal animations and sequences and it all ties together beautifully, as something that's *about* the interconnectedness of everything should do. I'm going to watch it again, but it's given me some ideas for experimentation on myself. I think I *should* be able to affect my visual reality, at least enough that I'm not going insane about what's happening at my place here. I'm not sure if teaching myself to actually see something that's not quite 'reality' fits in with 'normal' ideas of sanity, but we'll see what happens.

Meanwhile, this evening I worked on enhancing a rosier view of my Universe through diligent application of vodka. That worked too. I got my friend Quintin to join me on this mission. We wore our magical cowboy hats, discovered the coolest cheesy-ass places beachside, kinda like a Florida version of Blackpool sans the amusement park. After a few cocktails it was definitely like slipping through the rabbit hole, especially at the Pirate bar with kareoke. Arrrrrrrrrrrgh, matey.

Alex, thank you so much for the offer of escape hatch and friendship. I'd wither away and die in the UK, though, even if I didn't have and job to worry about. I *am* a tropical fleur, and besides, my wooooooo-hoooooing would drive y'all nuts soon enough. Ask Alf. I was pretty well-behaved around you, but he was subjected to more of my natural, loud-mouthed impulsiveness. *snigger* I'm not sure whether he's recovered yet.

poop. I was just googling around looking into possibly actually *buying* What the Bleep, came across some reviews and debunkifications that seem pretty rational.

*sigh*

"There is nothing so ugly in nature as seeing a beautiful theory murdered by an ugly gang of facts." --Ben Franklin

Ok, so the *science* in the movie is probably crap, but I liked it anyway and will experiment with changing my perception because I *must* do that. If quantum woooo wooooo doesn't work there's always vodka. And mojitos.

Ahhhhhhhhhhh
Things are moving now. My yard is slowly coming back together and more important, I had my first visit at Moffitt Cancer Center. That place is AWESOME! It sets standards for medical care I've never seen before. You drive up to whichever building you'll be cared for in, they have complimentary valet to park the car for you. How thoughtful, for the people who are sick with chemo or surgeries or just so frantic with everything, not to have to hunt for parking and exhaust themselves walking. Every single employee I interacted with today was exceptionally pleasant, helpful, humane. The woman (Odette, of course [I told her about Odetta Flambeaux]) who will be handling the financial aspect for me was not only charming, she made it soooooo clear that she was there to help me, not just ruin me, and that she could and would do her best to make sure I don't end up destitute. She told me to go ahead and take care of necessary things immediately--eye exam and new glasses, car and renters insurance, credit card. Sure, my savings will be gone, but I have a feeling I'm not going to have to quit working in order to qualify for manageable medical care, or lose my home, or live in the most desperate level of poverty and have to rely on my family for assistance. I was worried about that. This lovely woman gives hugs to the people whose papers she's pushing, and hope and serenity. If all medical paperpushers were like her it would be a totally different experience.

My doctors are brilliant. All three have lovely senses of humor, they're thorough and know how to treat patients. That's not necessarily the norm for surgeons, and these fellas were not only impressive, they were kinda fun. If it had been a social situation I'd have quite enjoyed myself in their company. And *my* surgeon is a hottie! Cute, funny, and *purr* *purr* *purr* such hands! I had more action today than I've had in three years, with each of them inspecting me and prodding my lymph nodes, but the doctor who's gonna do the cutting ....*swoon*....ahhhhhh. He's got a waaaaay of palpitating.....

Every one of the nurses who'll be assisting different stages of the proceedure made it a point to meet me. Everyone was so kind, and they all acted as if they had *time* for me, not as if I was another slab of meat to be processed. My future sis-in-law remarked on the same thing. Moffitt is not your average hospital and research center.

I am sooooo fortunate to have them taking care of me. Surgery will be next Tuesday, unless there's visible cancer on my lymph nodes they'll only take a couple of them out along with a goodly slice of my arm. But it's outpatient surgery, I needn't stay overnight, I should be back to work in a week or so, and the prospect that this'll be the last surgery is pretty good. 70-80% of people with my level melanoma don't show progression to the lymph nodes, so that's cool.

Woooooohoooooo!

Excellent news



<>

The words "tropical" and "Great Britain" never appear in the same sentence
This: http://uk.pg.photos.yahoo.com/ph/anniebarrnone/detail?.dir=a9d9&.dnm=cebb.jpg&.src=ph
is what happens to delicate flowers in my garden...

That poor rose! I hadn't realized they'd bloom so late in the winter, though. That's pretty neat if you can have them year-round unless they get snowed or iced on!

I'm enjoying and eruption of bromiliads blooming at the moment. I never realized that they bloom at a certain time, perhaps mine are all from the same mama plant. I think each one blooms only once in its lifetime, so I'm in the lucky zone to see it. I'll take some pics this evening.

I'm glad you've got good people looking after you.

And the bromeliads in bloomfest? That's a really good omen.
s

I need good omens about now. I'm so volatile and frazzled about this damned apartment I don't know what to do. Had another head-explosion this morning, apparently the owner thought it would be just fine to leave about half my yard a sandpit full of human waste and scary stuff. They've put *some* rocks back, but it's a very thin layer and the dirt is already coming up through it everywhere. And no matter how much I clean, every time I walk outside I track sand and dirt back in. After a long discussion with the manager *explaining* that I JUST WANT THINGS BACK THE WAY I HAD THEM, they did a bunch of half-assed stuff today that makes it superficially a bit better, but will still be a long-term problem. I AM SO TIRED OF THIS! I was infuriated when she reminded me that they took care of my cat for me. HELL, it's not like they did me a favor when I was gone for a pleasure trip. I'D BEEN KICKED OUT OF MY PLACE SO THEY COULD FUMIGATE! I had to find a place to stay for two nights and three days. IS THAT NOT AN INCONVENIENCE TO ME? Doesn't it make sense that I'M GODDAMNED TIRED OF DEALING WITH THIS CRAP TOO? And then she had the nerve to tell me she was tired of hearing me bitching that things hadn't been done around here. WELL SHIT! They were handy enough about supplying the labor to destroy the polace for their own projects. WHY IS IT SO HARD TO PUT SIMILAR EFFORT INTO REPAIRING WHAT THEY RUINED?????

I just want my life back. I want to wake up in the morning, chant, ride bike, work on my art stuff, go to makeup work if necessary. I want to be able to have friends over for barbeque and cocktails. I want to be able to meditate myself into good health. I want to sleep through a night without waking up in a panic/rage because I feel so violated here, in my home. I AM SICK AND TIRED of having to schedule my showers, my mornings, my meals around having guys working here 5 days weekly. My damned head feels...dizzy, half the time. Like blood-pressurey stuff. I come home and I never know what I'll find. Yesterday I was happy with Moffitt and happy that they'd begun on the yard. Today I'm on the edge of a panic attack as I realize that these barstids apparently have no intention of fixing this place to what I rented.

And aside from the physical aspect, I'm so disappointed that I've not been better able to keep my cool. It's years since I was such a wreck, back when I was under care for PTSD. I'd thought my chanting had me *really* under my own control, now I'm losing it every other day. I *want* to do destructive and violent things to these people who are trying to take advantage of me. I won't, but it's awful to wish bad stuff on people, no matter how much they seem to deserve it. Except Bush, maybe. This stupid situation is making me break all the things I believe in.

--------
(later)

1) *I* am breaking my beliefs. The situation sucks. It's unfair, undeserved and wrong. However, I'm the one who's not acting in accordance with my values, in terms of self-control.

2) I have *got* to get over this attachment to some crazy idea that these people will do the right thing because it's the Right Thing. My welfare is not their priority.

3) I'm getting sick. I no longer have the prozac option, so I'd better figure out an internal way to get over this thing. Quickly. And not by self-medicating with vodka.

Shit, I want my life back. It was so beautiful here for a brief while.

Ahhhhh. Friday I came home and it felt like *home*. They got most of the repairs done, enough that I can function properly again. I bought a few new fleurs today, figured they'd be cheerful when I come home from the surgery on Wed.

Yesterday and today I grilled brunch and dinner, went to work, got a lot done towards cleaning, sorting all the stuff I need for Moffitt, bought a few new fleurs to welcome me home Thursday.

It's so good to feel stable, and not to be worried about whether something will send me over the edge in the immediate future.

Dammit, I was *almost* looking forward to having an excuse to lose all self-control. Naaaaaaaah. It's waaaaay too stressful.

Moffit sounds like a good place and nice to know that there are genuine caring staff there.

You sound a bit more settled today.

Big hug

Alex

Today I got the good news--lymph node biopsies were clear, so unless the research I signed up to be a participant in (which slices and dices waaaaaay beyond the normal standard of care) comes up with an errant cancer cell, I'm almost certainly melanoma-free from that site. Wooooooohoooooooo!

Now it's just a matter of waiting til the scars heal and I'll be back to 100%. I feel great, my arm looks kinda funny with the big dent in, I sleep substantially sleep more than usual and can't carry heavy stuff yet. Soon, once the skin starts to loosen up and I get some fat back under there again I can DO stuff. I'm really fortunate with this event.

Meanwhile, my beloved friend who was kinda offended that I might not be immortal almost died this past weekend. Turns out he has long been suffering various symptoms of untreated HIV, but his damned mule-headed Oklahoma self was either in total denial, refusing to *get* the concept that it's not *normal* to have constant exhaustion and intermittent symptoms of debilitation (granted, his current job has been a stress grenade, so I can almost understand him rationalizing it as "just stress'), hoping he'd hold out til he has insurance (Oct. 1) or HE'S STUPID. Or a mix of all of the above.

Anyway, if his partner had not been dead serious about "you go to the hospital or I move out--tonight-- and you can die alone", my friend would probably have been found dead in his closet sometime this week. That's where he's been going, laying on the floor curled up like a dog, when his head swells and he can't breathe and he needs dark and quiet.

They pumped him full of blood and antibiotics and antivirals and nutrients, so by last night he was actually able to take solid food for the first time in nobody-is-quite-sure-how-long. Apparently, between the hole in his palette (the roof of his mouth fell out a couple weeks ago, and he's had non-stop diarreah for some time) he just *couldn't* eat. HOW THE HELL did that go on while he was living with a partner *and* his mom came to visit? HOW did none of these people pick up on the urgent, life-threatening nature of what was going on with him until he literally couldn't stand up??? And, what kind of damned country is this that someone who's been working at the same job for most of a year now *still* isn't eligible for insurance? Now the HIV and everything else wrong with him classifies as a pre-existing condition, so it might never be covered by insurance.

*sigh*

I am so pissed I want to slap all of 'em around, especially my friend, once I've given him a serious hug. I'm feeling tremendous guilt for not being there with him in Miami now, but Brain-in-a-Jar Britta is just not *willing* to go, not right now while I still have my own holes healing. I'm afraid of picking up some sorta weird infection in that hospital, and no insurance to take care of me either, and I just *can't* make that drive yet this week. But next week I shall go. And then I can kill him, once I make sure he's ok.

I'm so happy my personal news was good.

AND! I had a fabulous piece of luck-- we had an actual earthquake here last week (what the heck is that about? This is HURRICANE territory, not earthquakes!) and nothing horrible happened but the place shook for a while. It wouldn't have been at all surprising for at least *part* of this cobbled-together place to collapse, but it didn't. So I shall accept that as a sign that my luck is changing.

I do wish thngs would settle down, even for a while. I'm still overly volatile and it's still not helping when I fly into bouts of agitation, though I'm much better now my place is put back together. I guess I'll keep getting the triggers until I figure out how not to fly off the handle.



I just got back from a lovely sunset bikeride, the first in ages. It felt good to *move* again. The evenings aren't sticky-hot now. It's bluecrab season, people out in the shallows catching 'em. Maybe tomorrow evening I'll go dangle a chicken leg on a string in the bay, see if I can grab just a few for a nibble. Yum.

It's definitely time for me to focus on appreciation, for both the good stuff as well as the hard parts. Something in me is obviously trying to shift.

That's fantastic news - about your arm and nodes

I wish you speedy healing - and am delighted that you're sounding a lot more positive about everything.

Sorry to hear about your friend. Our health service over here stinks, a lot of the time - but someone like him would've been helped a long time ago. How awful for him to feel that he had to push himself so far because of insurance eligibility

That's excellent news MoG. I'm so pleased for you.



Things have changed here. I'll mail you at some point.

Alex.
x

Thanks for the good wishes,

My friend is doing somewhat better, I think he'll survive long enough for me to go kill him myself. The one good thing about our insane medical system is that there comes a point where it just kinda doesn't matter, about the money, at least. Once you're huge, unimaginable sums indebted it's kinda easy to just not worry about it any more. I hope my friend is able to access good care, though. Things are *really* bad in Miami. I was incredibly lucky that my speedbump arose once I'd moved here

I feel as if I'm in a new phase now. The past month or so has been tough, some ways I handled myself very well, other ways I have plenty of room for improvement.

As I was biking around this morning and evening I realized that I'm *really* affected by my environment, perhaps too much. It's great when I put myself in just the right place that suits my soul, it's a problem when things go amok, like they did with my home. I have got to get stronger with the Happy No Matter What practice.

*laugh*

If I had the patience to search through old journal threads I bet I'd find myself saying exactly the same thing, 3 or 4 years ago. It's *really* time to get this thing--myself, I mean, under control.


Thank you all for the support and friendship you've given me through this phase. It's meant a lot, especially as I'm here somewhere kinda new and haven't fully established myself yet. It's awesome having friends at hand, no matter where you are.

I've just read through this thread, and you are truly an inspiration MoG.

I am pleased all is going well for you, and my thoughts are with your friend.

I hail from the UK so we do not have the financial constraints on healthcare that you have, I cannot imagine what it must be like to have to worry about finances when you are so ill.

All good luck and good life to you

UG

Wow! .... I just visited your "personal space" as a result of your thoughtful comments in the "limbo" thread.

Have just finished spending the rest of the morning reading your roller coaster of a story and empathizing with every twist and turn. If you've been feeling some extra supportive vibes this morning (not that I believe in such things of course), it's possible that some of them were from me.

As another bit of inspiration for you I'd mention my own mother, who, at age 67, was diagnosed with a form of cancer of the female anatomy that is almost always fatal. She underwent massive surgery involving removal of major bit of herself, including most nodes, etc. A few years ago, sadly, she passed away ... at age 100. Yes, and she was in good health and totally mentally sharp and alert up until about a month before her death.

As a bicyclist myself, I've also been incrediby inspired by the Lance Armstrong story. I've read his two autobiographical books ('It's Not About the Bike: My Journey Back to Life' and 'Every Second Counts'). Both gripping stories. I'd recommend them for your consideration, when you feel up to such things. His testicular cancer had matasticized to his brain and lungs. His doctor later admitted that he personally put Armstrong's chances of survival at roughly 10 percent. That was before Armstrong went on to whip the cancer and win seven consecutive Tours de France, which is one of the most strenuous physical contests known.

I'll be following your story and "lurking" as they say here. Stay strong. Or as Lance says, Live Strong.

Oh! Tonight I saw that someone has been in here and discovered 2 new posts! UG, you must have been here while I was away from the puter a few days. I didn't mean to be rude and ignore you. What a way to treat new friends.

JCN Smith, 'thoughtful comments' my eye. I was in an instigatin', smart ass mode, not thoughtful. But thank you for your kindness. And the extra supportive vibes. I think they'll figure out how to quantify that stuff when they nail down one of the string theoryish theories. Then you won't *have* to believe, because you'll know how it works. Sorta. And *I* will tell you "I told ya so."

So, update on My Condition:
I'm maaaaaaarvelous, dahlinks! The arm is back to normal strength, I was able to haul bags and pots full of dirt around as I updated my garden and planted the fall crops, no problemos. Of course, I'd neglected to remember that the rest of my bod hasn't been going gonzo for a couple of months, either, so.... my poor legs! I can squat down to get something low now, (gravity still works) but the getting up! Aggggggggggg! Last time I overworked the muscles to this extent I was about 20 and it was my first aerobics experience. agggggg!

I'm off to Kansas tomorrow, will drive back Wed and Thurs and am very much looking forward to the bit through the Smokey Mountains now it's fall. With any luck I'll get to sniff crispy air and revel in fall foliage. wooooohoooooo! And the car I'm bringing back is a luxury ride, a totally different experience from my truck.

All Is Well. And I think I shall read lance Armstrong's books. I'm already losing that sense of immediacy I had, the *need* to use my time wisely. That was pretty awesome, made the whole experience well worth while if I can avoid getting lazy and slipping back to the old habits of immortality.

I envy you the trip through the Smokeys (Smokies?). Should be good at this time of year. Please give us a shout when you get back and let us know how it went.

"'thoughtful comments' my eye. I was in an instigatin', smart ass mode, not thoughtful. "

I think the word "thoughtful" can have more than one meaning. I meant by it that some thought obviously had gone into your comments (which is more than can be said of a few comments one occasionally reads), not that they were thoughtful in the sense of being "kind." Instigation can be good when done constructively, i.e., in a way that stimulates thinking, which is the way I took your comments, which also explains why I appreciated them and decided to visit your PS to see who'd written them. And the rest, as they say, is history.

"I'm off to Kansas tomorrow , will drive back Wed and Thurs and am very much looking forward to the bit through the Smokey Mountains now it's fall. With any luck I'll get to sniff crispy air and revel in fall foliage."

So how was your trip MoG? I've been picturing you enjoying your drive through the Smokey Mtns. This past Friday (10/13) a couple of buddies and I went for a marvelous hike to the summit of Old Rag Mtn. in the Virginia section of the Appalachians. Excellent views from the top and a fun climb. This has been an annual event with me for longer than I can remember. Colors even this far north were not yet quite at their peak, however, so I'm thinking that down as far south as the Smokey Mtns. they might be even farther from peak. Still beautiful, regardless, I'm sure.

Happy birthday month, I've discovered from prying into your PS. Hope you have a wonderful year.