h2g2 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: Earth Edition

I hate myself
I know you too hate me
When I'm feelin' down
I want to burn myself
I cut myself
I want someone to kill me
I forget myself
I know you too will forget me
I don't know what else
When I think about life
I cut myself
I don't want anything else
There's no one who makes me happy
No sun who makes me shine
When I’m around they're always laughing
I want to slice my arm
I close my eyes
And see her before me
I Think I wanna die
'Cause she's chosen to ignore me
A fool could see
Just how it's not meant to be
I get down on my knees
And push my thumbs into my eyes

Keep yourself together.

It is good that you miss your fiance who dumped you. But I ask you how long do you want to flagellate yourself?

I have punished myself for several years because I was feeling like garbage and something that was refused.

Try to survive Avernus. Don't treat yourself like garbage for too long.

Think happy thoughts. Well, you don't believe in a god or gods. So do you believe that you are punishing yourself for the right reason? I think it is good that you feel a sadness and a question of why your fiance left you. But do you think it necessary to think that you are garbage? If you kill yourself, you would be making a space for a person who would perhaps be a serial killer.

I honestly ask you if you think that you are a good and worthwhile person?

I do not know you well enough to suppose that you showing your misery because any attention would make you happy. But I am rightly guessing that you are a good man who is feeling terribly rejected. You also don't lash out and become a murderer. Instead, you hurt yourself. I can relate to you, and I know that I am not bad. So, I believe that you are not garbage.

It's more to do with loneliness and self-loathing than anything explicitly related to Her.
I’m sick of surviving; I want to live! But I’m too stupid, fat, ugly, un-likable, useless and pathetic.
I’ve grieved for the end of that relationship. That is done. It who I am, what I am left with, it’s me that I hate. I am my own problem.
“I honestly ask you if you think that you are a good and worthwhile person?”
Of course I’m not. I’m a “big fat f*****t”, I’m scum, I’m an a******e, I’m a waster, a waste of space a useless cretin that no one likes with no friends and no potential. I deserve to die.

And if you think I’m a histrionic you can f**k off.

Well, I thought that I was the only one who used the word "f*****t". A lovely term of expression. I one day watched Bridget Jone's Diary, and I heard her say "shitwit" and I thought that was great. I then decided to invent f*****t as a fabulous term of expression.

Now, I have to say that I don't know what you mean by Histronic.

"People with histrionic personalities are constant attention seekers. They need to be the center of attention all the time, often interrupting others in order to dominate the conversation. They use grandiose language to discribe everyday events and seek constant praise. They may dress provacatively or exaggerate illnesses in order to gain attention. They also tend to exaggerate friendships and relationships, believing that everyone loves them. They are often manipulative."

What happened?

Loneliness and self-loathing.

Histronic: I now know the word.

About what you said in your first response:

>>It's more to do with loneliness and self-loathing than anything explicitly related to Her.
>>I’m sick of surviving; I want to live! But I’m too stupid, fat, ugly, un-likable, useless and pathetic.
>>I’ve grieved for the end of that relationship. That is done. It is who I am, what I am left with, it’s me that I hate. I am my own problem.

What do you mean that you grieved for the end of your relationship with your fiance? I am not understanding you.

You write these poems, and you write these sad and angry posts without a background for people to know why you're in pain. You express your pain but you keep the details of why and how you've been hurt as secret. I do know that you are afraid of Internet stalkers or spectators who would look at your revealed history as a drama. But there are people like Scandrea and myself who are aquaintances of yours and we are unsure if we should knock and ask to be let in to know why and how you've been hurt or we wonder if we should do nothing and not pay attention. Can you understand, for instance, my position? I have spoken a bit for Scandrea because she has shown concern before I even knew that you existed. It was in one of Scandrea's thread that I met you.

***I would like to be your friend.***

Does the above sound wrong and irritating? Well, you will quote me and I will see what you think.

Probably the word friend is something that you don't like hearing. Friend can sound like a cheap commodity that has been over-used and abused. I, for instance, have a difficulty hearing the word love. I am almost deaf to it. But my hearing is improving.

I feel like I am walking on broken glass. So, , can you please give me an email address of yours because I would to email you and get to know you better. I can certainly share my very long poetry with you through email if you let me. My poems are like yours in a way, and I wrote them over a year ago. You don't want to survive but really live? Well, I believe that family and friends can make life priceless and truly wonderful.

my email address is [email protected]

Or you can email me at [email protected]

Use them or leave them - the choice is yours.

I went through a period of grieving. Suz was not dead, but grieved for her because she was nolonger in my life. I grieved for the loss of the relationship between myself and the person I loved more intensely, more truely than anyone else, the one person I thought really understood and knew me.
'You are mortal: it is the mortal way. You attend the funeral, you bid the dead farewell. You grieve. Then you continue with your life.
And at times the fact of her absence will hit you like a blow to the chest, and you will weep. But this will happen less and less as time goes on.' - Dream to Orpheus.
My relationship was dead, it broke my heart, I had to bid it farewell, accept that it was over and never coming back, and grieve for it's passing. Then I had to find a way that I could continue with being alive without it. Suz may not be dead, but our lives are completely removed by her choice and at time her absence hits me like a blow to the chest.
However I am feeling unhappy and depressed for older reasons than being rejected by Suz.

"You write these poems, and you write these sad and angry posts without a background for people to know why you're in pain"

This was a reworking of a fairly well know song to reflect how I was feeling.
It wasn't angry.
One thing that gets me angry is anyone implying that I'm histrionic.
I write poems of my own to express how I'm feeling, to externalise it. I don't write my journals with a potted history of my life for the benefit of others.
"You express your pain but you keep the details of why and how you've been hurt as secret."
How so?
"But there are people like Scandrea and myself who are aquaintances of yours and we are unsure if we should knock and ask to be let in to know why and how you've been hurt or we wonder if we should do nothing and not pay attention."
What do any of you care? No-one gets in, no-one gets everything, there's no-one to trust, no-one to understand no-one that really cares. What makes you think I'm gonna open up to a stranger?!!
"Can you understand, for instance, my position?"
No.
"Does the above sound wrong and irritating?"
Yes.
"Probably the word friend is something that you don't like hearing."
Depends what people mean by 'friend'.

Sorry. Emotional fragility and exhaustion is showing.
I'll e mail so you have my address.

I am here. Perhaps you don't want replies to all that you post? Perhaps some of us interpret your posts more seriously than necessary? But in the end, all I wanted to say is I am here. I will try not to take away from you the emotions that you have, but sometimes question why you have them...

I can see that you are not happy, I wish you were at ease with things.

Milla

Sometimes my saying something helps.
Occasionally the way someone replies does not help.
Sometimes I'm airing internal frustration.
Occasionally I’m saying I’m on the edge of losing control or worse.

I guess it's not always going to be clear to anyone but me which it is at any time.
And yes, I'm unhappy, for a short while a few weeks back I was depressed, but I wasn't really that unhappy, just depressed, there is difference between the two. But now I'm unhappy and depressed again.

email me your email address to my [email protected] account

My gmail account gets constant spam that I have to sort through. So when your email ends up there, I will have to seek it in order to find it.

************************************************************************

Word Definition: Friend

1. A person whom one knows, likes, and trusts.
2. A person with whom one is allied in a struggle or cause; a comrade.
3. One who supports, sympathizes with, or patronizes a group, cause, or movement.

Archaic -- friend·ed, friend·ing, friends.
To befriend (...which is my case relating to you )

[Middle English, from Old English frēond.]

>>WORD HISTORY A friend is a lover, literally. The relationship between Latin amīcus “friend” and amō “I love” is clear, as is the relationship between Greek philos “friend” and phileō “I love.” In English, though, we have to go back a millennium before we see the verb related to friend. At that time, frēond, the Old English word for “friend,” was simply the present participle of the verb frēon, “to love.” The Germanic root behind this verb is *frī–, which meant “to like, love, be friendly to.” Closely linked to these concepts is that of “peace,” and in fact Germanic made a noun from this root, *frithu–, meaning exactly that. Ultimately descended from this noun are the personal names Frederick, “peaceful ruler,” and Siegfried, ”victory peace.” The root also shows up in the name of the Germanic deity Frigg, the goddess of love, who lives on today in the word Friday, “day of Frigg,” from an ancient translation of Latin Veneris diēs, “day of Venus.”

Now, when I read the above, I was amazed to finally know that when I say "friggin' awesome", I mean more than I expect!

h2g2 didn't recognize the letters of the Germanic and Middle English

Dammit.

*sigh*

What can I do?

Here is the like to what I read:

http://www.answers.com/topic/friend

>>Sometimes my saying something helps.
>>Occasionally the way someone replies does not help.
>>Sometimes I'm airing internal frustration.
>>Occasionally I’m saying I’m on the edge of losing control or worse.

>>I guess it's not always going to be clear to anyone but me which it is at any time.
>>And yes, I'm unhappy, for a short while a few weeks back I was depressed, but I wasn't really that unhappy, just depressed, there is difference between the two. But now I'm unhappy and depressed again.

Well, you are in a not so bad way because a monkey isn't on your back. I am a monkey, and so I won't try to be on your back.

What I mean is that I better understand you thanks to Scandrea.

Milla

In future you might want to link to such things in the first place. There are rules on copyright etc to consider.

"Well, you are in a not so bad way because a monkey isn't on your back. I am a monkey, and so I won't try to be on your back."

Eh?

Milla.